• What happens then?

    by  • August 9, 2010 • 0 Comments

    What happens if you have moved on? What happens then? Will I be on my own loving you forever? Will I realise that you no longer love me back? Of course not… I’ve already realised it… I was just a girl you went out with, done and dusted, history. I bet that it meant nothing to you. It was just something every guy goes through, right? For me, it was so much different. I loved every minute of everyday that I spent with you. I loved you and I still do. But there is not a thing I can do about it. Because you don’t care anymore, so why should I? I can’t, I don’t want to but somehow, my heart won’t let me stop loving you. And frankly, I don’t want to. However much it tears me apart, I don’t want to. I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all. If it means I can feel how I feel about you now and see you everyday, then I don’t have a care in the world how much it hurts! The pain is my only reminder that you were real and that we shared something. Now, when I think about how you and me will never be together again, it feels like there is a dagger piercing through my heart, like there is a big hole inside me, and only you can complete it. But you won’t, can’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t…

    Can’t you see? I need you… But maybe if you’re so stupid and can’t see how much I need you, not how much I want you, then maybe I should go, leave, run and hide… You wouldn’t feel any different! I would… I could never leave you, especially not the way you left me!

    perfect pain.

    by  • August 8, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Insecurity. Killed me. Insecurity killed everything we had. My
    jealousy messed all our plans up. My attitude pushed you away…

    No… It wasn’t me that messed everything up… I wasn’t insecure, you just had too many females around. I was never jealous, you kould hang out with them as you pleased. You kalled them babe, you kalled them hunny, you walked them to klass, you hugged them. What the heck was I supposed to feel??

    My attitude changed dramatically when you and I became an us.. But you didn’t notice that I was caring and affectionate… You never noticed the little things I did for you. You always wanted more. But it wasn’t always about you. Your life revolved around me. I loved you, I love you. You cared. You made me feel special, like I was the one that was meant for you. But as soon as it got to my heart as soon as I believed it…you cheated. It was dreadfully painful. I hated you. I still hate you. But if I had one more chance with you. I’d be with you. I’d give us a try. But since that will never be possible again, Steve, I want you to know that even though we don’t see or talk to each other I love you with all my heart. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be alright. In the end, we are different.

    Missing and Longing

    by  • August 8, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Everything I feel I owe to you. Every time you’d hold me and kiss me, I was happy. Sweet, pure happiness. Every ounce of my wants to curse them for keeping us apart. I can’t see you, talk to you, be with you. I miss you, I love you more than I love myself. For months I heard nothing, wondered whether you didn’t actually care. But you did. That one message you sent me was enough to reassure me I wasn’t alone in sadness and longing, that you loved me still as much as I did you. I went insane after thinking I lost you. I did crazy things I would have never done before out of frustration. Nothing damaging, but out of character. Somehow, I grew a backbone. But from that I learned I still love you, and will never forget you.

    Knowing you still think about me everyday, missed me, wanted me, I know I’m okay. I felt raw human emotion again, but it was happy, because I know you weren’t lost and somehow I felt found once again.
    I love you.

    You are the only exception…

    by  • August 8, 2010 • 2 Comments

    I am in complete awe, as to how much I love you… Just…amazed… I have never, and I am being completely honest here, never, been so “love sick” before…

    I mean, yes I have been in love, and have had my heart broken. We spent a good amount of time together those 2 weeks, and I can say that it was amazing. Purely…I have never been kissed like that. Like, you’re afraid to break me, like I am made of gold, or that I am so unreal to you that you have to kiss harder, deeper…

    Nor have I been touched like that…You were so gentle, and even though I hate to feminize the gesture, maternal. You stroked my cheeks, my jaw bone, the skin beside my eyes, my neck…like I was this illusion or something, like this wasn’t happening and you were trying to savor it all.

    And when we would go to sleep at night, or you would take a nap, you wrapped all of yourself around me, as if to say that “you’re not going anywhere, you’re mine” and if you were startled awake, or waking up on your own, the split second you opened your eyes, you would kiss me, more then once, these amazing little kisses that made it hard to breathe… Sometimes you would just stare at me. Not in a creepy way, in a way that made me want to know what it was you were seeing.

    You made me feel adored…
    I have only ever felt adored once before you…

    But what makes this so much more intense, is that I have adored you forever it seems. Since the day I saw you I have wanted something, anything, to do with you. I was amazed we became friends, and that all through out high school we stayed that way, and that you wanted me to be your walking partner at graduation, and even after graduation, we kept in constant contact, and every once in a while it would fade to weeks, even months at one time, but when I had lost all hope and given up you came right back, with a vengeance.

    Now suddenly, and thankfully, 4 years later you come around and admit to me that you have felt the same way about me since high school. Imagine my shock?! My utter joy! I was so…euphoric! You rocked me into a state of pure bliss. The kind that every single female on this earth dreams about. You made me so happy. My heart was raging in my chest, as happy as my brain, for once.

    And on the final day of you being here, where I am now, the goodbye was so quick, like ripping off a band-aid. It was an early morning flight. It shocked me stone cold, and I literally bawled all the way home from the airport, and all day. All night. The next day I did not cry a single tear, because you actually talked to me most of it, and the next and the next, so I was alright, I had faith left. You told me you loved me. That made me explode. That’s the only way I can put it. A million pieces of my soul went everywhere and back again because you said those words to me. I have always wanted to hear you say those to me, always wanted you to recognize me as someone who you could be with. Who could make you happy. I have gone to the store to get test strips for perfumes, so I can spray your scent on it and keep it in my purse. I have tucked it in my pillow, and its all I have of you now.

    It sounds sick, but when you love someone this much, you do stupid things, and anything to make them closer. It’s not fair that you have pictures of me, and video of me laughing with you as we rode to the store. I have not one thing of yours. And it feels wrong to go onto the internet and steal one of you. You didn’t give it to me, and you didn’t take it for me. So it wasn’t meant to be mine.

    And last night, a week from the day you left, I got a little tipsy, and a stupid girl that I no longer call a friend because of this, filled my head with stories about how you must be doing something with another girl, or whatever. It ate at me, because I have had that happen with every single boyfriend I have ever had. I can’t stand the thought that I am over here, honest and faithful even though we weren’t officially “together” not looking at a single male in a way that I would find them attractive, refusing any offers of dates from potential partners, I completely knocked the male population from my vision. You are honestly all that I see. All that I ever want to see. All that I want forever. I love you that much. I am so sure of that. But she got to me in a way that she knew, and everyone else knows, gets me. Trust.

    And I did, honestly trust you, but with her filthy mouth he weaseled the insecurity out of me and I did the stupidest thing and texted you that I don’t trust you. That I can’t do this anymore…STUPID! And with a simple, “Well then we wont do this…” you gave up… You dropped it all. Like how much you can see and feel and know that I love you, does not matter. Like maybe you never really loved me at all. That maybe you fall in love easy, and that you love the idea of love itself.

    (more…)

    Wishing I were there

    by  • August 8, 2010 • 1 Comment

    I wonder if you have written any of these letters about loving and wanting to be loved. I wonder how much you think about me, and if it’s as much as I think about you. I hope you don’t believe that I think of you as a convenience, an afterthought, or that I don’t love you. I do love you, and have since I looked into your eyes and felt a connection I’ve never, ever felt with anyone else. I feel drawn to you, like you put a spell on me with your smooth tones and rough edges. As many times as I blink, I’ll think of you tonight…

    Teenage Child

    by  • August 8, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I Hate You. You consume my mind, I can’t go a minute without thinking about the last time you left me crying alone. I can’t go an hour without wanting to be in your arms. I can’t go a day without loving you and for that I Hate You. I care so much and you treat me like a doormat. I let it happen to myself but what human being can’t realize all that’s being done for them.

    You’re a selfish child.

    One day I’ll get tired of it and push you off the throne and then you’ll realize how much I did for you and I won’t turn back to help you pick up your broken pieces.

    I’ll be done with you