• Giving up

    by  • April 18, 2010 • 1 Comment

    Im done. I dont want to do this anymore. I can honestly say i wake up in the mornings and wish i could just sleep forever. Life isnt worth it. Im a burden. I hate my past. I hate myself. But I have her, and for her i will stay.

    Secret Dreams

    by  • April 18, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I wake each morning smiling inside
    I go about my daily routine as usual
    No one can ever know the thoughts I’m thinking
    Wishing the dreams that make me smile were not just dreams
    I have a good life, a happy life, everything a woman could ask for
    Why do I desire what I don’t have, can’t have
    Knowing how much hurt my wishes and desires could cause
    Why do I think of you so often and wish I could come to you
    A man that probably doesn’t think of me, doesn’t long to be with
    me, doesn’t dream of a way for us to be together
    I want to explore things with you I don’t usually do, want you to
    teach me things that otherwise I may never learn, it’s not all
    physical needs, I want to know your mind, I want to have fun and laugh
    with you, I want to make you smile
    If only for a day we could be together again
    I have envisioned what a reunion would be like with you
    It has been nearly twenty years since I’ve last laid my eyes upon
    you
    And yet I can’t make my mind let these visions go
    My heart won’t let me
    This is the most illogical thing that has ever crossed my mind
    Still I go on
    Day by day
    Living my happy life as usual
    While deep inside the secret grows and I must keep this forever it
    seems
    These dreams and visions won’t come true
    No matter how much I desire them to be part of my reality
    I know that they can’t come to be
    I will continue to hold onto hope that someday I will reunite with you
    and my dreams will finally come true
    All I ask is for one day, one night to show you the emotions you bring
    out in me:
    Hope, adventure, laughter, happiness, intrigue, passion, honesty,
    friendship
    How can I justify these emotions I feel for you
    I don’t really know you anymore, haven’t heard your voice,
    haven’t seen your face, haven’t looked into your eyes, haven’t felt
    your embrace, haven’t heard you laugh or seen you smile except in my
    memories
    All I can go on are the feelings that my heart has developed from the
    written conversations that have transpired over the past few months
    and my memories of us from so long ago
    These facts I know are illogical and probably irrevocably insane on my
    part but this is my secret
    This is my secret, you are my secret friend, these are my secret
    dreams to keep as long as I desire safe inside me
    I go to sleep smiling inside, knowing the dreams will come to me as I
    sleep and I will wake up smiling to live my happy, normal life
    tomorrow

    man please

    by  • April 17, 2010 • 0 Comments

    what makes you think, that i have time an energy to waste hating on you, come on please live in truth, if when we had moderate clean dealings, why all of a sudden it’s just war with words come on you know me better, when people get angry with you are the two stop communicating it’s like you’ve totally forgot what attracted you to that person,let go of your status post anger my life wasn’t given by you and my life can’t be taken away by you, if you live for Jesus stop being a part time Christian saying one thing then doing something else in your valued time, stop half stepping and just be true to who you are you waste your post about who hate my enemies man they must be on your mind, put more of your time into the Lord, because i have totally moved on from you , and in closing if you can’t handle being rejected stop rejecting true people who you are blessed to have around, me a hater your enemy man please! there was life before me and there is life after me so focus on the positive i am no longer in your circle and you should happy be now act like it and man up. hater thank you and man please.

    Momma,

    by  • April 17, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I’m sorry I’ve wasted so much time with you.
    I’m sorry I never opened up to you, that I never let you get to really
    know me.
    I’m sorry I never really got to know you, that I never tried.
    I’m sorry I’ve been such a disappointment.
    I’m sorry I didn’t listen to all your childhood stories, or that I
    didn’t sing with toy as often as I should have.

    I’m sorry I broke your heart.

    You treated me like a daughter, even though I was your grand
    daughter.
    You and my grandfather took my sister and I in and raised us as your
    own, even though you didn’t have to.
    You both gave me the best childhood there is, were the best parents
    there ever was.
    You made me into the firecracker I am today, I’m proud to say you
    raised me.
    I just wish Daddy hadn’t died, I know some of you died that day nine
    years ago too.
    Truth is: so did my heart, but it turns out it was just half of it.
    Because now you’re dying, and I feel like I am too.

    I know you’ll be happier in heaven with your husband but I just don’t
    want you to leave.
    I want you to keep fighting but I can tell in your eyes that you’re
    tired, just so damn tired.

    So I want you to know I won’t hold it against you if you give in.
    I know it’s best for you, that you won’t feel pain anymore.

    Tell Daddy I love him and I’ll see you both in a couple of years.

    I just hope by then you’ll be proud of me.

    I’ll miss you everyday, you’ll never be far from my thoughts.

    Pumkin

    4/18/90

    by  • April 17, 2010 • 1 Comment

    You know, I don’t miss you. I don’t miss the dandruff or the bad  breath or the violence but I have to admit I still think about you. A person can’t have a relationship as long as we had and not have it affect them some way or another. There are hundreds of people who never saw us together yet, sadly, you are still how I am defined today.

    Before my lips ever touched you, I had a premonition that you would be part of my life. I can remember the innocence of the the first encounters, in a dimly lit garage or after a game. It seemed natural that a testosterone filled teenager in the 70’s would want you. The allure of venturing into the forbidden zone was a rite of passage and once I started working and you were there every night, we just took off from there.

    We were together for 12 years and like every story, we had a beginning, a middle and an end. The middle was when it became more like a job. The longer we stayed together, the more you became a priority. When choices were made and the stink of embarrassment started cropping up. I chose you over jobs, over family, over the very things that nourished my soul. I gave you all I had and by the end I didn’t have much to give but it satisfied you. The mini-breakups were inevitable. A few days here, a week there served only to have me break my resolve and come running back to you, usually with a vengeance. My life, filled with such hope, such potential and promise reduced to ruin.

    Yes there is an official date that we parted ways. 20 years of your absence hasn’t always been smooth sailing but it has allowed me see things differently. I haven’t been in jail or have I been in a fist fight. I do have to stall when using the word “end” or “over” or “done” because you are still there. An old photograph from my college days or that sneaky little voice that always shows up in a moment of weakness. Since my divorce, you’ve tried hard to become a viable option but I looked past the sweet taste of your whisky kisses and remembered the pain and guilt and shame of your maintenance. I will fight you again, I am sure but for now I can truthfully say that I have been sober longer than anything I have ever done, with the obvious exception of waking up every morning and if I, by chance, don’t wake up tomorrow then it can officially be said that sobriety won

    Lost Family

    by  • April 17, 2010 • 1 Comment

    I saw your child today.  She is talented and beautiful.  She is also a stranger.

    It’s sad that you let your religion separate you from family.

    We’re good people…just not as religious as you.  But we have morals and values and treat people kindly and with respect.

    Our children could have played together.

    It’s just sad.