• And the Award Goes To…

    by  • June 21, 2010 • 0 Comments

    …the best grandma in the whole wide world!

    I can’t seem to comprehend how you do what you do. You manage to have a job, love your husband, take care of all your millions of children and grandchildren, invest in your friends, and somehow take care of yourself on top of it all.

    You are the most selfless person I know. If you see someone who needs something, you will give them yours. If someone needs a babysitter, you do it for free without complaints. If someone needs help, you will hop up to lend a hand.

    I have always felt like life and people are too chaotic and unstable, but you have always been consistent AND loving. When you said you would pick me up, you came. When you said you would do something for me, you would do it. If I needed help, you would always be there. If I needed to talk, you would listen and give me loving advice. When I was hungry, you fed me until I felt like I was gonna puke. When I felt alone, you made me feel special and loved. When I felt discouraged, you made me feel inspired.

    I think my favorite part about you is the way you seem to age with me.

    When I was five, you were able to live life with me as a five year old, doing things that a five year old would like. When I was a teenager, you related to me like a friend would and did things that I would like to do. You didn’t try and make me stay young and in the past, but changed as I did.

    You are one of the only people in the world who I feel like I could tell anything to and not feel judged one bit and know that you would support me, but not necessarily what I was doing. Not only that, but you would respond in love and with guidance that would be beneficial and out of wisdom.
    You are such a good role model for what I want to be like. I love you with all my heart and will never be able to repay you for all that you have done for me. You probably do not even know half of the impact you have had. I am so lucky to have you in my life.

    Time is the Best Healer

    by  • June 21, 2010 • 0 Comments

    We used to be really close, or at least I thought we were. I mean we talked to each other all the time and hung out constantly. I am not sure what exactly changed because all of a sudden you stopped putting as much effort into the relationship. I loved you with words, gifts, time, acts of service, and physical touch, so I know I didn’t miss your love language. I went out of my way to make life better for you, but nothing seemed to make it like it was. I don’t think I will ever know what made our relationship change. I knew you still liked me, but it was hard to not think that you didn’t like me and was rather annoyed by my love.

    I remember seeing you after not having talked in almost a year. My heart stopped and time froze. I didn’t know how I could fake being okay if you talked to me. Sure enough you walk over and say hello like nothing has changed, like we have talked recently. I realized after talking to you for awhile that you are just not someone that I want to invest that much effort into after all now that I see your true colors. You broke my heart and made my year difficult. I could not seem to get over you. You told me that night that we should catch up and get coffee sometime. Everything inside of me wanted to say no, but I went along with the idea trying to think of ways to get out of it later.

    I remember sitting there wondering how I was ever going to walk in that door and lie through my teeth about how great life is. Truth is right before I stepped out of the car, I realized that I am finally over the pain you have caused me. You are never going to be a good friend that I tell my deepest darkest secrets to. You probably do not even know the pain you caused me and I can’t put it on you if I am too afraid to confront you about it. The relationship is just not important enough to me to confront you.

    So I guess I will see you when I see you. If you don’t stay in contact for years at a time, I will not take it personally, but rather realize that you just suck at maintaining relationships. The ball is in your court. I am done making the first move.

    A Conversation Never Had

    by  • June 20, 2010 • 0 Comments

    How do you stand there with that mask on? You only come around when you are going to look good. You have absolutely no interest in me except when it rewards you in some way. Why can’t you just be there because it is important to me or just be there because you can and don’t have to be. There has never been a time that you will be there because it is for someone else. The only time you choose to talk to me is when some one that you want to impress is around, otherwise I just get left by the wayside. There have been numerous times when you have been around and choose to ignore me. How can you pretend to be this nice guy, when really what is underneath is this evil man who plays mind games with people. This absolutely drives me crazy! You are the most selfish person in the world. You have no interest in me. When was the last time you asked what I wanted? Or how I felt? You never have and when I actually voice it, you dismiss it or say it doesn’t work into the schedule. Screw your schedule! I am suppose to be an important part of your life and you are too worried about your own life to even give a thought to what I want or what I feel. Does it ever cross your mind that you are suppose to be the adult? You still act as though you are a child. Young kids are selfish and don’t care about anyone else. Is this how you want to be perceived? It must be because that is the way you act. I have nothing to do with you because of this.

    You are too worried about your new family. You go to every single game of theirs but when was the last time you came to something for me. Yes, you did come to my graduation, but I didn’t want you there. Several months before you sent me a letter telling me that you basically have nothing to do with me unless I fix our relationship. Are you kidding me? This relationship isn’t broken because of me, its broken because when I was younger you wouldn’t let me be a kid but instead I had to come see you when I wanted to go to a friends birthday party. Do you know how it made me feel when I missed those? I felt so left out. I had to go see my dad while the rest of the kids in my class got to go have fun with each other and then I got to hear about it at school on Monday. When you are around the age of 10 this literally feels like the end of the world. When I got older and got my permit did you ever take me to go driving. No, you didn’t you were too busy with other things. Where you there for any birthday? No, you never threw me a birthday party, or half of the time never even gave me a present, or even called to wish me happy birthday. You did point out that I never did it to you, but aren’t you the parent, and aren’t you suppose to set the example for your kids. So this must be why I never did it to you. Why thanks for being such a great example!

    I am now graduated and hope to never speak to you ever again.


    by  • June 20, 2010 • 3 Comments

    What am I? Who have I become? I’ve dedicated myself to never becoming the victim of my situations, past and present. I look in the mirror and I don’t even know what I see. I’m confused with myself. I am deathly scared of failing. Everyone tells me how awesome I am, how good hearted and natured I am. They remind me that I’m smart and I’m going to make it places and accomplish everything in life. Everyone has to remind me that I have a great personality. They say I’m the definition of what a great person is.

    I am the biggest liar in the world. I feel like I’m fooling all of these people. They are coworkers, close friends, acquaintances, teachers….everyone. I feel like a fake.

    I dont feel like any of that. I feel like the biggest piece of shit ever.

    These people see a calm good natured person. Smart beyond their years. Brave and strong. Optimistic and supportive. They see someone that devotes every minute of their time to everyone else, and is beyond selfless

    I’m deathly scared of everything. I have terrible anxiety. When I think about tomorrow and the events ahead its comparable to being in a huge ocean with waves while having no knowledge of how to swim. I’m so self conscious and nervous about myself. There is no self confidence

    I won’t leave this place. I will have no success in my careers and endeavors. My dreams will never be achieved or realized. I will never have one to call mine and be by my side.

    I am a liar, but one thing I don’t do, is lie

    What’s on my mind at the moment

    by  • June 20, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Hey, its me. I have so much I want to say, I just don’t know where to start. I guess I will start by saying I know neither of us thought we would be where we are today, at this moment in our lives. I look back and I remember the very first conversation that we had. Then I also remember the very first kiss, and the first time we had sex. It was all amazing and I remember feeling like a little school girl again, with her first crush. Its been a little while now since we have been seeing each other, and I find myself always checking my phone to see if you have texted me or not. I feel like you have become my addiction. I am always wondering if you are becoming emotionally attached, and what you truly feel deep down inside when you think of me. Sometimes when we have sex it feels different, it feels as if you really want to be with me, then I don’t hear from you for a few days. I begin to wonder if your feelings are scaring you off, and you just can’t begin to face it. I know there is a big diffence in our age, but you have said that doesn’t matter. I just keep playing all of our conversations over and over in my head. I too don’t know where my emotions are in all of this as well. I guess I have my feelings standing on guard until I know exactlly how you feel. You always tell me that you will tell me when your feelings start to change, but in the back of my mind I am always wondering if you really will. I know I am still currently married, but you know where I stand in all of that. I guess I just want to say I really enjoy the moments that we have together, and if you did become emotionally attached at any point, I am ok with that. All I ask is that you please tell me when that happens, don’t leave me hanging!!

    You’re a Fake…

    by  • June 20, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Your children hate you. They may not say it to your face, but they talk about it all the time. That you never want them there, and that you only holler at them to be quiet or make them help watch their younger half-siblings.

    You have tried and tried to make their father appear to be the bad
    guy, but your efforts have remained fruitless.

    Your children are much smarter than you give them credit for. They see how things have changed since your return and how their world was dumped topsy-turvy. And they know it was you.

    Don’t be shocked when they turn from you completely at the age of 18. You can change this outcome. If you shut up about their father, and just love them unconditionally. Show them that the divorce isn’t about them by leaving it out of the equation and just being a mother.

    Unfortunately, I dont think you can let that go, even though it was 7yrs ago. Which is not just sad for the children, but sad for you.

    It is YOU who is responsible for your misery. Accept it and move on with your life and you will find that life still has much to offer.