To my zero (you know who you are),
I think that I’ve spent enough time over the years just thinking about us, what we were and weren’t to one another, to move on. I’ve said this before, and I’ll probably retract and then say it again, but I’m letting go. In order to do that, though, I think that I need to let it all out – everything that I would’ve said to you, had you let me speak. Your indifference still pains me, and with that, I’m too much of a coward to mail this to you, to try to reach you again. Still, I need to write this, even if it’s just for myself.
First off, I apologize for the situation. I know that probably means nothing to you, especially now that so many years have gone by. The reason that I didn’t explain things right then and there, frankly, was because you were my only friend. I was going through a difficult time, and you thought the world of me. I didn’t want you to discover the lie, that the girl you put up on that pedestal wasn’t me at all. You were a rock in my life when everything else was falling apart around me. I had problems at school and problems with family, and hanging out with you was a peaceful part of my day. I didn’t want to ruin your idea of me – carefree, strong, fun-loving, even if it was a lie. Even at that age, though, I thought that we’d in one another’s lives forever. I guess that I was being naive when I thought that.
You have spent so much time telling me that this person is terrible for not being in love with me, even though I feel so much for him and even though we would be great together. His reasons are shallow and hurtful and thoughtless and unfair and you’ve stated as much and you think he’s an idiot for thinking them.
And I finally realized what you’ve been trying to get me to understand for so long: That I should spend less time chasing after men who will never want to be with me, and look for someone who will make me happy. That I deserve better, that I’m wonderful, that I should find someone who thinks the world of me.
You told me you think the world of me.
One day, completely by mistake and without warning, I fell head over heels for you.
Maybe it was the way you looked at me that time I saw you when I hadn’t in months… or that you tell me you think I’m incredible. Maybe it was when you said “Where were you ten years ago?” or maybe that you pick me up when we hug, or it could be how protective you are for me. But somehow, somehow I got it into my head that you would be that guy you keep saying I need to find. That you’d be nice to me, and care about me, and think the world of me.
Well, I must have missed something in everything you’ve been saying, because you just made it clear that I am not what you want, either.
I am not what you want.
Maybe your reasons are more easily justified. But the truth is in the end it doesn’t really matter why. I am tired of hearing the whys. The end is, you do not want me.
You tell me this is right. Part of me thinks it’s right. So if this is so right, why does it feel so wrong?
how quickly you stole my heart, how fast i fell for you. i love you, right off the bat, i love you and wish i could tell you every time i see your blue eyes and your name pop up on my phone. every person who told me you were emotionless and a pointless person clearly has never seen you light up and smile. i can’t help but to think are you the one? two months was all we had together, two months that i’d never give back even if my life depended on it. every sober and drunk night we spent together never got old. i love you. i miss you. come home, please.
It’s been so long, but I am still completely enraged with you. For some reason I cannot let go of the anger inside. I fantasize about ruining your life, because I feel that you ruined mine. I can’t stand to be around you. What I don’t understand is that even though you completely used me and cheated on me when I truly loved you, you still have the indecency to make fun of me and act like a total asshole whenever we’re in the same room. Yet everyone still seems to think you’re a good guy, and it looks like I’m unjustified in hating you. At first I thought cutting you out of my life completely would make everything better, but it’s not enough. For some reason I won’t be satisfied until you are as miserable as you made me. I want you to know the feeling of true heartbreak, because you definitely don’t deserve the girl you’ve got now.
I love you, but I am becoming more aware of our fundamental differences. Your life is based on routine, you cling to the familiar, and any interruption or break from routine is difficult to handle. I, on the other hand, embrace change, even seek it out sometimes. But I find that my primary concern is your happiness, so I fall into your patterns without complaint. The reality is, I have become bored. I yearn for some excitement. As things are now, I can tell you exactly what will happen on any given Friday night, right down to the scripted goodbyes. I know you are dreading the day I leave for college, but I consider it somewhat of a godsend. I know it is going to be hard for you to deal with an hour’s distance between us, but I think this will be a good test of our relationship.
I really do love you, but know that I can’t promise to be with you forever. We’re still so young, and although I know I’ve become part of your routine, things can change whether we like it or not. For now, all I can promise is to stay as long as things continue to work.