• Willing

    by  • September 12, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I’ve felt a lot of pain in my life; and I haven’t been around all that long. The one person that I’ve ever loved is dead. When I think of him it feels like my heart is suffocating; my heart can’t breathe. I carry an intense pressure with me always.

    I’m willing to let the world in, if there’s a chance that I will find the love and friendship that will dissipate this crushing weight. But bad things happen to good people, and my will is slowly being crushed.

    I don’t know if I believe in love at first sight, but when I’m around you I feel like we are a match that would bring joy and laughter, friendship and love. When I’m around you I feel like people could be made for one another.

    I know you care about me; I know you see me like you see her. I know that your honor is what makes you my match; but knowing that I came too late, it makes the weight I carry worse.

    I believe that the universe has a way of working things out. The weight that presses down on me is worse knowing I’ll probably never be with you, because by some tormented touch of fate you found an amazing person before you found me.

    But I need you to know, that when I see you, when I hear you, when I touch you,
    I feel willing,
    I feel my will,
    I feel like someday,
    my weight will be gone.


    by  • September 12, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I can’t continue like this.

    I can’t sleep
    All I hear in my mind is your voice. All I see when I close my eyes is your face

    It’s not getting better, it’s getting worse I continually feel my heart breaking piece by piece

    I just want to go to sleep without crying, without feeling like my world has fallen apart

    How much longer is this going to last?

    How many more nights can I really sit on this website praying that writing how I feel will make it even one tiny bit better?

    I know once I walk away from this letter, from this site, from this computer; I will once again lay in my bed alone, wishing to hear your voice, wishing for the pain to subside, wishing to be able to sleep for once without my heart breaking.

    This is for you, Sugarcube.

    by  • September 12, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Imagine this.

    You are super psyched to go take a trip traveling about 2600 miles away from your home, into a different element.

    That person tells you how much they’d like it if you came out and saw them and all this shit for their birthday. You agree 100% and you tell them to give you a date so you can take time off work. They don’t reply to you. They read your messages on myspace and they don’t respond. So, you’re sitting here wondering wtf. Why? Why? What the fuck did you do to deserve being ignored?

    Now I have heard from you in days? REALLY? Fuck you. I have been there for you more than anyone has in your entire life and I can say that because even when we were fighting and I HATED your fucking existence..I still answered your calls and consoled you.

    I am so angry and so hurt. So fucking hurt. If I don’t hear from you in the next two days..we are fucking..we are just…done. I don’t want contact with someone who treats me like that.

    You are a fucking piece of shit to me right now. That’s about how much I care. I needed to vent this. You are the only thing I looked forward to all year and you had to go and ruin it for me. I struggle through work every single fucking day and this is what you do to me. I sit there at working making it through for you, telling myself this is for YOU, and not me, and it gets me through.

    But you know what? Maybe for once MY life should be about ME and not YOU. I want to cry right now, but I can’t let myself, because that means that I care. And if I don’t cry I know that means I am strong enough to live without you. And it will be a big shock to have me, someone who has been a rock for you, gone. I will disappear. Off the internet. Off everything. I will delete everything you’ve tried to contact me on. I will block private calls, and every number I know you have. Don’t test me, because I know your world would be so much shittier without me in it. It’s been the unspoken rule our entire relationship, friends or otherwise. I have always been the only one who cared. The only one to actually put up with your bullshit thinking you are better than everyone, thinking you are smarter, hotter, and cooler than everyone.

    The reality is that you are a scared little girl who can’t make up her own fucking mind. When you get bored with those people, don’t expect me to come back. Don’t expect me to just be there. I have no interest anymore. I feel very hollow right now. I feel very sad. But I deserve to be treated better.



    by  • September 12, 2010 • 0 Comments

    A year and a half ago you were my best friend.

    A year ago today we were curled up in bed together, and you finally asked me to be your girlfriend.

    I was the happiest girl in the world for the next ten and a half months. I finally realized what people meant when they said they felt like they had come home, whenever they were with their “one.”

    Now I am sitting here, wishing I could call you, text you, just to talk. You told me a month and half ago that it just wasn’t right, we wanted different things. You weren’t in love with me. Well that I could not change, as much as I wish I could. I’ll never know why you are happier without me, why you couldn’t love me, when life was so wonderful when we were together. And you agree to that. I just want you to want me in your life. That’s all.

    I’ll wind up happier with someone else someday, who will truly love me. But for now, I’ll just wonder what changed, as every other dumped girl on what was supposed to be a wonderful day.


    by  • September 12, 2010 • 7 Comments

    So.. I’m a 20 year old female who lives in NYC.

    I’m actually pretty, I get compliments alot. I’m a very sweet person & want to make EVERYONE happy before I make myself happy. But it’s a Sunday night and I feel like crying once again.

    I have no friends & I’m depressed. I spend my weekends home sleeping or on the internet looking for things to pass the long boring hours.

    All the people who I thought were friends all of a sudden up & left. I gave them everything I had, was there for them at 4am or when their parents kicked them out & they just up & left me.

    The only friend I had before this was my boyfriend but he left me, too cuz he didn’t love me & didn’t want to hurt me. He was the one person that was there thru everything. IT HURTS SO BAD.

    I can’t seem to make any new friends & my heart is broken in a million pieces. I just want ONE person to listen to me. ONE person I can call a friend. I want to SCREAM & cry :'(

    Another weekend wasted staring at a phone & FB pg with no messages. Am I really a bad person? Why don’t I have any friends?

    a change

    by  • September 12, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I’ve realized something about myself.

    I used to be a shy little girl, who would gladly like any guy that pays attention to her. Up until very recently.

    Now? Every guy that seems to possess an interest in me, I turn down. In some cases, turn down means “blow off”. I’m not always nice about it. Not mean. Just… passive aggressive. And I feel bad. I’m not a mean person, I don’t mean to be.

    Something in me has changed, though. I’m stronger, even if I don’t alway show it. And I don’t need to be in a relationship. Sure, I would like one. I get lonely. I WANT to be with someone. But I don’t need it. And I’m not going to settle.

    Sometimes, though, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I’m just holding out for you, because I know a part of me does still have feelings for you.

    If it is, I hope its worth it. If not, I will be with someone when I want to be. If the right person comes along, I wont need to worry. If you aren’t the right one, if someone else is, then that will determine it. I hope.