• to thine own self be true

    by  • April 22, 2010 • 2 Comments

    dear B-
    you basically don’t deserve to have any part of my time. you have done nothing but create holes inside my self esteem. for you have done nothing but tear who I have chosen to become down into nothing but shreds. what housing understand is that you never knew me and never will know me and what I stand for and will continue to stand for.

    I cut you off I deleted the images of our friendship that once stood. and to be honest I don’t feel any ounce of guilt for dropping it all. the hints you have chosen to say to me are not fair. I have never been so happy with the friends I have surrounded myself with. you can say I’ve changed for the worse but you never took the sweet precious time to know the real story. I have morals and I continue to stand by them. I am not the “sorority slut” you have recently labeled me.

    I will not let you weigh me down wih your negativity and cruel sarcasm. I have better relationships that need to be mended and better friends to tend to. your opinion has become nothing but a whisper in the wind only strong enough to move the hair off my shoulders. I’m strong and independent willing to make it on my own without you. I don’t deserve to hear your cruel cries of opinions when i never did anything to deserve such a response. go tear another girl’s world apart. you’ve made me cry you’ve made me yell and you’ve made me realize how happy I am without you.

    to thine own self I will be true because i am everything I should be without you.

    Acceptance – Please?

    by  • April 21, 2010 • 1 Comment

    Mom-

    Ever since you were diagnosed with a brain tumor and had a successful surgery you have been different. Now don’t get me wrong, messing with the brain is a big deal and I knew that you would change but this is too much.

    I want my caring mother who always wanted to hold my hand, or give me
    hugs, and encouraged me every day. But instead I have a critical, selfish mother who reminds me every day how imperfect i really am.

    I know you just want to help and are worried about me, but your blunt comments about my looks are not appreciated. To be honest, you make me feel like complete shit. I fear that I will never look pretty enough or skinny enough for you and that scares me.

    I know I always told you I didn’t care what you thought but the truth is – I DO CARE. Your opinion means everything to me and it is tearing me apart.

    Why can’t you just love me for me?

    To the Person Who Hurts Me Most

    by  • April 21, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I like having you in my life and that is why I know I could never actually say these things to your face. But I want you to be more apart of my life then you are at this time…that you ever have been. Caring for you is eating me up from the inside out and I’m finding it harder and harder to deal with the pressure of these things. I know I should just tell you goodbye…but before I do there’s so many things I really want to tell you.

    I don’t think she loves you, you know your wife. You say so yourself that you have to fight for her attention and that all you do when you guys are together is fight, and she doesn’t have sex with you because as you have told me before, “touching you is making me sick.” She doesn’t deserve you and all the amazing things I know you do for her. And now suddenly you avoid being around me because things are finally going well for you with her?

    It’s not fair to me. You tell me you care for me and yet I’m not seeing it. I’m not feeling it. Maybe she does deserve you, and you deserve her crap. You’ll never, and I’ll stake my life on this, you’ll never be as happy with her as you have been and still could be with me. But lets just hope that by the time you realize it, I’ll already be gone and over you so you can feel some of the pain you have been putting me through for a couple of months now.

    You have my heart for now but lets hope it doesn’t last much longer.

    Acceptance of Sexual Assault

    by  • April 21, 2010 • 2 Comments

    Dear You,

    Sometimes it’s better to stay up all night, to load up on caffeine to make it through the day. It’s worse when I fall asleep.  I wish the nightmares would come to you, instead of me. You are the one who caused it, anyway. I trusted you. That’s what little girls that age do. They can’t comprehend “lies”. Innocence is a one-time deal, you can never get it back. And a child without her innocence, well, that’s just a recipe for disaster.

    And that’s what happened to me. I let you invade my dreams, I let you be the reason I had to numb myself from the pain, instead of face it head-on and get through it. You were my excuse for many years. And when I came to this realization after clearing my head and getting sober, I hated you even more for indirectly putting me through the longest, most hellish 14 years of my still very young life. It has taken me time, an innumerable amount of tissues, and lots of therapy sessions to learn that I can’t hate you. By hating you, I am still trapped by you. I was letting you rule my life, caged by your impressionable, dispicable actions. Some days I still have a hard time; some days I still want to hate you; some days I hate myself for forgiving you. But I do forgive you. I have come to see that you are a sick person, even sicker than me. There is no hope for you that I can see, but you should never stop seeking help. I don’t know where you are now, I don’t know if you’re dead or alive, but this is my letter to you, to let you know that I am no longer your prisoner. I have accepted, and therefore I have escaped.

    God…may I ask a question?

    by  • April 21, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Are you there, God?  It’s me, Margaret again.  Of course you probably know that.  I hope you’re not up there sighing, “Why me?” when you see my letters.  I don’t want to be a pain…I’m really just asking for a little clarification?  What’s the old adage – ‘There are no stupid questions.’  I’m hoping that’s true.

    So, I’m feeling like I might have angered you when I asked about the whole vajazzling issue.  Honestly and truly, I meant nothing by it.  I think my vagina felt threatened at being decorated by glue and crystals and lashed out (well, as much as a vagina can lash out).  So, please ignore my last conversation.  In fact, let’s just forget that whole thing ever happened.

    I just want to be clear…that whole conversation that “never happened” (wink wink) wasn’t intended to upset you or provoke paybacks.  It was just a girl trying to clear the air (and her crotch).

    OK, onto my question.  I really thought that acne was something you suffered through as teenagers -like it was a trade-off for being young and lithe and snot-nosed.  I thought you were teaching them a lesson about humility.  You know…these kids have these hot little bods and think they’re smarter than everybody else…but look at the big zit on their nose! Kids hate zits!  But I really think it was a good addition to your teenager plan.  It really DOES keep them humble because just when they’re feeling all mightier than thou getting ready for the big dance, you knock ‘em down a couple pegs with a mountainous pimple.  That, sir, is a class act.

    SO, following on that same tack, do you feel that a grown woman wracked with age and wrinkles needs to be knocked down a couple pegs?  This is just a hypothetical question.  This isn’t about me.  See, I have a “friend” and she has found herself in an unlikely predicament.  Suddenly her skin is breaking out like a young boy behind the fryer at Burger King.  It’s NOT pretty.  Don’t get me wrong…I know that all God’s creatures are pretty…but this just aint.  “She” is wondering if possibly you could have a little kindness in this regard and cut her a break.  I think it would be fair to offer either acne or wrinkles in old age…but not both.  Wrinkles would seem the obvious choice, to me, a lowly human.  I don’t mean a ton of wrinkles, just elegant crow’s feet that indicate this person has been happy and smiling.

    Or, as a really neat suggestion, you could get rid of BOTH.  Think of it, God, Octogenarians with smooth, clear skin.  I bet it would really cut down on elder abuse…because nobody would know how old you are.  I know it might be necessary to still be able to categorize the elderly, what with “early bird specials” and discount Tuesdays but can’t we do that another way?  Maybe offer up people to wear wristbands in the Lance Armstrong vein…but instead of  wristbands that say ”LiveStrong” we could have them wear green wristbands that say “LiveYoung”, yellow wristbands that say “LiveMiddleAged” and red wristbands that say “LiveOld”.   (Do you like how I worked in the color coding of a street light? Green is go, yellow is slow, red is stopped).  Oh, and old people could still hobble around and use canes and scooters to get around, you would still have old age…you would just look younger doing it.

    So, that’s my suggestion for today.  Get rid of the acne, get rid of the wrinkles. Remember, this request isn’t for me…I’m just the messenger…but I know that my “friend” would really appreciate it.

    Thanks , God.

    Margaret

    P.S. Keep the acne for the teenagers.  It builds character. 😉

    Thank you for reading this

    by  • April 20, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Even if I’m connecting with you only through a Letter I’ll Never Send it’s still a connection.

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    We are immersed in the business of living but sometimes it’s nice to just sit back, take a moment and realize that you sitting there, reading this, are special.  You are.  You are here.  You are here because you feel deeply.  You care about others.  You have heart.

    Thank you for caring.  Thank you for sharing.  Here is hoping your day tomorrow is bright and joyful.

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