Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret again. Of course you probably know that. I hope you’re not up there sighing, “Why me?” when you see my letters. I don’t want to be a pain…I’m really just asking for a little clarification? What’s the old adage – ‘There are no stupid questions.’ I’m hoping that’s true.
So, I’m feeling like I might have angered you when I asked about the whole vajazzling issue. Honestly and truly, I meant nothing by it. I think my vagina felt threatened at being decorated by glue and crystals and lashed out (well, as much as a vagina can lash out). So, please ignore my last conversation. In fact, let’s just forget that whole thing ever happened.
I just want to be clear…that whole conversation that “never happened” (wink wink) wasn’t intended to upset you or provoke paybacks. It was just a girl trying to clear the air (and her crotch).
OK, onto my question. I really thought that acne was something you suffered through as teenagers -like it was a trade-off for being young and lithe and snot-nosed. I thought you were teaching them a lesson about humility. You know…these kids have these hot little bods and think they’re smarter than everybody else…but look at the big zit on their nose! Kids hate zits! But I really think it was a good addition to your teenager plan. It really DOES keep them humble because just when they’re feeling all mightier than thou getting ready for the big dance, you knock ‘em down a couple pegs with a mountainous pimple. That, sir, is a class act.
SO, following on that same tack, do you feel that a grown woman wracked with age and wrinkles needs to be knocked down a couple pegs? This is just a hypothetical question. This isn’t about me. See, I have a “friend” and she has found herself in an unlikely predicament. Suddenly her skin is breaking out like a young boy behind the fryer at Burger King. It’s NOT pretty. Don’t get me wrong…I know that all God’s creatures are pretty…but this just aint. “She” is wondering if possibly you could have a little kindness in this regard and cut her a break. I think it would be fair to offer either acne or wrinkles in old age…but not both. Wrinkles would seem the obvious choice, to me, a lowly human. I don’t mean a ton of wrinkles, just elegant crow’s feet that indicate this person has been happy and smiling.
Or, as a really neat suggestion, you could get rid of BOTH. Think of it, God, Octogenarians with smooth, clear skin. I bet it would really cut down on elder abuse…because nobody would know how old you are. I know it might be necessary to still be able to categorize the elderly, what with “early bird specials” and discount Tuesdays but can’t we do that another way? Maybe offer up people to wear wristbands in the Lance Armstrong vein…but instead of wristbands that say ”LiveStrong” we could have them wear green wristbands that say “LiveYoung”, yellow wristbands that say “LiveMiddleAged” and red wristbands that say “LiveOld”. (Do you like how I worked in the color coding of a street light? Green is go, yellow is slow, red is stopped). Oh, and old people could still hobble around and use canes and scooters to get around, you would still have old age…you would just look younger doing it.
So, that’s my suggestion for today. Get rid of the acne, get rid of the wrinkles. Remember, this request isn’t for me…I’m just the messenger…but I know that my “friend” would really appreciate it.
Thanks , God.
P.S. Keep the acne for the teenagers. It builds character. 😉