How do I begin? That’s the question.
How do I touch the anger and the frustration I feel when thinking of our life together?
I am a good and honest person and I was forthright with you. I was open about my wants and my needs, my desires and my dreams…and I feel like everything you returned was a lie. I don’t understand what type of person would choose to live their life like this. I opened my heart to you. I offered you everything I had. I was your rock and held you in my arms when you wept from your children. I was your caregiver and made you go to the hospital when you were sick or suffering from an infection. I was the one you made call your ex-wife when you needed something from her. I made the plans for our vacations. I made the plans for our children. I took your children into our home and loved them. And you held a promise over my head that you loved me and would do anything for me.
Where did that get me? Your words were like salve to my heart…but I guess they were more of a placebo because in the end they did nothing. You pushed me to a point of utter panic and anxiety and then worked your magic to soothe me. Promises. All of those promises that were void of any meaning. And why, why say things that you don’t mean? If you truly believed you love or loved me, why would you treat me like that? That’s not how love works. You were so worried that people might think you less than brilliant but didn’t worry that people might think you were a user and a liar. Where is the morality in that? Where is the heart? How can you expect and demand that your life be treated with respect when you give NONE to the people that love you. The people that would have given anything for you. Me. I would have given anything for you. And you threw it all away because YOUR needs were so much more important. Your whims and your whiles.
If something was needed from me you were gone. Out there doing whatever it was you were doing. Helping me? Fuck no. I’m the supposed love of your life. I’m the woman that you’ve only felt yourself around. I’m the woman you wanted to grow old. And I’m the only woman who didn’t matter. Fuck you. Fuck you for being such an abusive user. You use everyone around you for whatever you need. But their friendships end up being exactly as you treat them. Disposable.
I CAN’T STAND THAT I STILL LOVE YOU. I CAN’T STAND THAT I WANT TO SEE YOU AND SMELL YOU AND HOLD YOU. YOU COMPLETELY FUCKED ME OVER AND USED ME AND DIDN’T TREAT ME THE WAY I SHOULD HAVE BEEN TREATED. I can’t stand that you take so much space in my head and don’t pay rent. Not that you ever paid much rent. I had to buy everything because you blew everything you had. And you gave me such shit about the way I treated my children…when I watched you be distant dad right in front of them. How dare you. You’re a real fuckwad. Your happiness was always more important. And I guess I’m not as angry as I should be…because if I saw you treat my sister or my daughters like that I would PAY them to leave your sorry ass. And now I’m just a “keeper” of your stuff while you fuck some other girl. Well, fuck you. I’m not confident enough to see you right now…and it’s better for me to be as far away from you as possible…because it is true. You are like my drug. A nasty drug that rips me from the people I love. I love them more than I love you. So good riddance. Good bye. Fuck that, too. Bad bye.
You know… I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to be with anyone. I don’t want to spend time with anyone… except for you. I’ve never, in the entire time I’ve known you, doubted you to be there for me. Until now. Even before we started dating. You were a good friend, who became a best friend, who became my boyfriend. And for three years you’ve been my boyfriend, best friend, and confidant. I’ve never doubted you. You’ve been there for me through more in these years then some people will be through in a decade. And I’ve been there for you. Without a second thought. Even before I fell in love with you. Because I’ve always, always cared. And I had assumed that you cared too. Until now.
I’m talking to you right now, while I’m writing this. And all I can think about it that I should probably be telling you these things. But… you’d run as soon as I started. You’re good at that sometimes. Running. You only ever run from me. Which, to be quite honest, I’ve never understood. Me? Of all people? I’ve done nothing but support you in everything you’ve done. You’re such a fucking prick.
You push me away. You pull me back. I’m so tired of your mixed messages. I’m so tired of chasing after you and getting nothing but a face full of shit for my efforts. I’m tired of hurting and knowing that you don’t feel even a quarter of what I’m feeling.
I don’t believe in true love. And I don’t believe in love at first sight. And I sure as fuck don’t believe in the concept of “the one”. But I do believe in fitting so perfectly with another person that when you rip those people from each other at least one will lose a significant portion of themselves in the act. And… you know dear, I feel like I’m missing a few limbs. What about you?
I met you a few weeks ago. I was new, so I thought I would walk up to you and start a conversation since talking and introducing yourself is the only way to get to know people. Turns out that you were new too. That was actually really relieving because I didn’t feel like the only one who had not connected yet.
You looked pretty cute, not that it mattered, but it was kind of hard to tell since you had a hood on and it was night. It was nice to talk to a man who looked at me in that way. I have never hd a guy show interest that I was interested in back.
I’m not sure where this will go or where I would even want it to go, but it is too early to know anyway. You are a nice guy, but you didn’t graduate, live with your parents, and don’t have a car. I guess that means that we will just be friends, but its still nice to know what could have been. I don’t want to lead you on, but I do want to feel liked.
Do you know how much you’ve hurt me? I don’t think you do. You say you’re sorry, and I believe you, but I wish you’d feel what I feel. I’ve loved you for 2 years now. That’s the longest I’ve ever wanted to be with anyone. Ever. You might think I’m crazy, or obsessed. But I’m not. I just really care about you.
We’ve been through our ups and downs, but the good times have always been better than the bad. I know I get sensitive, and moody. But you are usually there for me. Honestly, I love that you’re a nerd and like playing computer games. I’ll admit, when you play WoW for 5 hours straight, it’s a bit annoying. But I seriously think it’s sexy that you like MW2 and GH.
I really hope we can work things out. I’m not sure how well being friends will turn out, because the last few times we’ve just ended up getting back together. Why give up on the person who you say knows you best? We tell each other our thoughts, dreams, ambitions. You’re my very best friend. I love you, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop.
You bore me. You are wonderfully nice and patient, and never pressure me. But we’ve dated twice before, and for me it’s do or die time. I know after we break up, we won’t be friends. And I don’t know how long I can put off breaking up with you.
You seem half in love with me, but I don’t even really like you that much. I went to prom with you because no one else asked me. When you kissed me that night, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t like you then, and some how I convinced myself that I liked you. I don’t know if it is the fact that you wrote a song about us and seem like you are half in love with me that convinced me I just don’t like you that much, or all those little annoying things you do.
We don’t always have to be in contact. I don’t always have to be talking to you. I know you want to be facebook official, but I really don’t want to be. I want to figure out how to break it off without hurting you. I want you to stay my friend. I know, too much to ask. So I will seethe silently until I can no longer stand it.
Because when we are together, it is better. I feel like I actually like you. I don’t see all the annoying things you do. It’s only when we are apart and you text me constantly, even when neither of us have something to say. It’s that I feel like I know you completely, and I’ve only know you for a year and a half.
When I am gone, I don’t miss you anymore than any of my friends. I don’t trust you more than anyone else. I don’t feel like I can be who I am in front of you.
And I don’t know what to do. To fix it, and pretend, or wait and see, or to end it now.
I can’t say I loved you when I met you..I think I hated you. But as time went on and you showed an interest I thought..why not? And I went for you..for a month you were all I could think about and I loved every moment with you! Remember the first night we slept with each other? I remember the way you smiled and I remember the way you kept telling me how I could do so much better but when I told you to hush up,you smiled more and laughed..you took me to your room and held me so much. The next day we laid in bed listening to music..laughing at how insane we realised we were.. Oh dear god how I wish I could go back to that day. I wish that I could be with you that same way. We lasted six months and I know we are the best of friends now and I know you know how I feel about you! Dear Jesus you would have to be blind, deaf and dumb not to realise how insane I am about you! I throw myself into complete misery over you. I can’t believe how much I love you!! But it’s hopeless…that night you broke up with me…you said the same thing…I was too good for you. How am I too good for you? I love you…and isn’t that all that matters??