I have so much to get over. Mostly things from the past that have caused these messed up feelings about myself… but I do know one thing. I love you.
I don’t know what it is. I have so many people in my life that I care about, but you are the only person I can think about every day. You are always running through my head… I am just afraid of rejection. Isn’t being your friend good enough?
I am a great friend, I know. I just want more from life. More from you. More out of myself. Can’t fail if you don’t try. But not trying is an automatic fail… I have been on auto fail for a while now.
After a while you can not call it auto pilot… you have to call it auto fail. Short. Fat. Stupid. Loud. Moody. What’s not to love?
I just wish I didn’t have the fail voice as my guide. But you. YOU are a great source of inspiration… and yet I know I will not meet your standards. How that silly girl had you and broke your heart actually upsets me. I was there. I saw you breaking and I knew that someday I would be able to take her place… but I don’t want her place… I want my OWN place.
I will sit and write this out another time, for now… I have some things I need to do. Steps to get me closer to you.
I have faith you will love me the way I love you some day?
I know how you feel about me. And I can’t help it, but I’m in love with you. It’s that simple. You always told me that I would just know when the right person came along, and now I know. I can vision us together. I can see us being in love and being happy for the rest of our lives. But you don’t feel the same way. And that’s ok. I just wish it was different. I wish you would look at me and think I was beautiful or want to spend time with me and be thinking about me when we aren’t together. I want this feeling to be mutual. I have never loved anyone like this and it’s heartbreaking. You are amazing. You are everything I wish you would be. There is part of me that doesn’t want to move on or be with anyone else because I have this strange hope that maybe later you will change your mind and decide you have been wrong. Maybe you will be the one coming to me and spilling out your heart. Maybe we actually will be able to be together and happy. But that is just wishful thinking. The truth is that I will probably not get over it and you will, and I will be the forever “friend” wishing for something that isn’t there. But that’s fine. It’s also pathetic.
I hate myself for getting carried away in this. For letting my imagination run wild. For not doing it right. I feel vulnerable and insecure. I feel like I no longer have anything to hide, which is scary.
Life is unfair. The wrong type of people end up in relationships. People look for the wrong things. It seems like it comes so easy for other people. Am I looking for the wrong things? Am I too insecure? Would I even know what to do if I was in something serious?
I guess you would just “know”. Which is this case, turned out to be one-sided.
Please tell me the letter below isnt from you. This kills me, I hope is not bc i still have faith and hope in our love. I am bettering myself for myself and you during this time of space that you requested. I can not do any better than you. i want you and only you.
You have no idea what you’ve done to me. I told you I can’t just be friends and you nodded and walked away. I fell so hard that I’m still on the ground bleeding. Now to get back up, I can’t have you there or anywhere near me. I’m deleting from my life. Don’t call or text if you need an address, because I won’t know the number. Don’t even send the thank you note. You think you’re being nice but you’re just pushing me back to the ground. How can you not realize that? I wish I had never met you. Yeah all the times we shared were great but they don’t outweigh the pain that you caused me. Goodbye.
I remember having a crush on you when we were both so young, and wishing to be placed next to you in class, and through divine justice that was granted. We became great friends, and even though I was friend-zoned I still loved you, as I watched you go through guy after guy that was bad for you. But you know what? I like that we’re still friends. I’m long past the crush I had years ago for you, and with all of your problems I’m way more glad we’ve stayed friends instead of one of those failed boys. I love being there for you. I love you, in all of your moments perfect and imperfect, because you aren’t just some person. You’re the person I can freely care about, so thank you for that. I hope we can grow old and still be the best friends who talk about life as our kids play with each other. I’m looking forward to it. I love you.
You killed me. Killed my self confidence, killed the way I saw myself, killed me. I wanted to love you. I convinced myself I did. But when I told you I wasn’t ready you just pushed harder. You wanted sex and I was going to give it to you or you were going to make me… you’d done it before with other girls. Told them you’d marry them just like you did me. Told them that so they would loosen up and let you take them. I was scared to end it though… because you continuously told me that you were the best I’d ever get…
Your best friend got me to dump you…
I almost took you back. Because who else would take a girl with terrible body image and no knowledge of what to do on my own. But now I have someone who’s rebuilding my image. Telling me I’m beautiful and that he will always love me no matter what my past is or what my future may be.
You may have killed me Mark… But he’s bringing me back to life.
So have fun in Romania… I know our marines would never allow a know rapist into their lines.