• Parents (Why the fuck do you insist on ruining my life?)

    by  • July 12, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Yea i doubt you’ll ever read this wich is amazing. I love knowing i can say just how much i hate you. Yea you heard me I HATE YOU! Always making what i call “Never followed through threats”. Ok so 15 yrs you have made my life fucking hell…God i cant wait till im 18. I will tell you just how bad i hate you. But some part of me prays to God you dont stop careing my husband or boyfriend might be just as big of a fucker as you both were. Hell everyones fucked up. No one cares bout me.Anyway better then spilling my guts now build it up for three more fucking years of hell then i get to tell you just how bad i hate you.

    California Love

    by  • July 12, 2010 • 0 Comments

    You were a mom to me and now you are gone. You were the one who challenged me to be a better person. You were the one who listened to my problems and made me feel better. You never judged me. You encouraged me with your words. You were a source of stability. You really helped me. You helped me break down those untruths that controlled my life. You really cared. You loved me unconditionally. You were honest. You were trustworthy. You live up to your word.

    I know that we still talk over email, but that is not enough to stop the pain. I feel your loss every day and it brings me to tears how much I miss you. I just hope that when you come back, I get to see you. In a perfect world, we would be good friends, but I know that can never be. I just feel like I know in my heart that you really do care about me. I feel in my heart that you value our relationship. I finally believe that you love me.

    I wish you never left and things were still how they were before. Please make this year go fast and come back to me.

    A Tiring Act

    by  • July 12, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I am hurting so bad on the inside, but I am not going to let it defeat me. This has been almost a two year battle of ups and downs. Just when I think it is going to be over, something else happened to push me right back down.

    I am feeling the losses right now. There are just too many to deal with and it has become too overwhelming. The one person that was helping me deal with the pain is gone now. I just feel like I am in this other world where reality does not exist. My thoughts are not mine, my feelings are not mine, and my words are not mine. I hate this place because it is in between happiness and despair. I am in the zombie state that used to be my life. I just want to be happy again and have a sense of community. I know there are tons of people who care about me, but I need that sense of community and direction to feel satisfied. That is why I am waiting for summer to be over and for that to happen. Then I might feel happy again.

    Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

    by  • July 12, 2010 • 1 Comment

    This is the question that I ask myself every time I stand in front of a mirror and always have the same answer to….”not me” because all I see are my imperfections. People tell me that I am beautiful, but I still can’t see it on the outside. I have been working on believing that my soul is beautiful and I am getting closer, but I want my progress on the inside to parallel that of the outside. I wish that every time I looked in the mirror I could see the good about my body and not every area that I want to change. I want to be able to walk outside in a swim suit and not be anxious about what people are thinking or even get to the point where I can go outside in one. I want to believe that I am beautiful inside and out.

    Last night

    by  • July 11, 2010 • 2 Comments

    Last night I sat alone after a long night of drinking with my friends.

    Last night I cried uncontrollable for the first time in a while.

    Last night I wondered and I wished and I wanted.

    Last night I reveled in childish and selfish useless self pity and felt a deep loneliness.

    Last night I stared at my reflection in the mirror and hated everything I saw staring back at me.

    Last night I couldn’t find a sharp implement so I just sat in the park and cried until the were no more tears and I wished there was some one, anybody there who cared even a little.

    Last night I wonder if I will be alone for life.

    Last night the thought of being alone scared me and for once I wasn’t like, whatever, I actually cared.

    Last night I wanted someone to just care for me and love me, no matter what I looked like awkward body and average face and all. This morning I still do.

    -Not ok with lonely anylonger*


    by  • July 10, 2010 • 0 Comments

    You know, you’re all awesome. I know that you all scoff at this statement, and repeatedly deny it, but it’s true. I know you believe it too. Well, at least, you believe that you’re better than me. Don’t think I’m crazy and deny it, I see your reactions. You actually have faith in yourselves, and you should.

    I mean, Aee, you were pretty much my first friend when I moved. Like, real friend. Do you know why? Because you were kind, friendly, you listened to me and told me stuff. You were chill and fun, you still are, and even though you keep secrets, I have already guessed a lot. Just how you are is perfectly awesome, and if you changed, I think I’d actually be lost. Please stop scaring me. Stop hurting yourself.

    Bee, you’re hot. I know you know you are, and so do all the guys who lay eyes on you. I wish I was hot. Attractive, even. Upfront, spoke my mind. Another friend from the start, and loyal. I can show up at your doorstep and stuff around your house for a couple hours, doing absolutely nothing, and we can still have some sort of subconscious bonding. Awesome.

    Eee, you are just so smart. So full of creativity and beauty, and you wish that you had it when really, you already do. You are so pretty and your art and language reflects that, which just makes me so completely envious of you it’s actually depressing. I want to beat myself to a pulp just because I felt envious of your new laptop, and y’know why? Because it just added to your perfection. Your awesomeness. You don’t know how much I wish I had your perfection Emm, you are the embodiment of how every person on earth should be. Sympathetic, empathetic, kind, generous, unbelievably caring. Everyone says you’re nice, but either they don’t really know you, or they just don’t have the time to fully say what you are, so they sum it up in that pathetic word, ‘nice’. You are so smart, but your mind is clouded with your concerns for everyone you know, with the conversations you had with people, endless people that you can get along with so well. I know that you suffer so much from your concerns for others. You take so much on yourself and don’t share the burden. And I know that you understand my almost disinterest in matters that should concern me is just a way of keeping you sane, keeping you from breaking down, because I understand how you work, and that what you need most is not someone who is also sad, but someone to distract you from your already over burdened mine.

    And to all the rest of my friends, especially those I haven’t seen in so long, you are just as special, but this has already turned out unbelieveably long. I should probably write all you individual letters, but then my hands would cramp after the first two, and that wouldn’t even be my BEST friends I was describing.
    You are all so awesome. So awesome and perfect and it angers me that I am so envious of the ones I care for. I hate admitting I care, but I really do. I don’t want to concern you with my life issues, I don’t want to be the sappy one. I may say I hate hugs, but I sure as hell feel like one every now and then. OF course, if you hugged me after I said that I wanted one, I would slap you. That is not acceptable.

    I’m sorry I can’t even stop being kinda hostile in a letter you will never see, but I hope that, through the connections that we have built (yes, our subconscious mind connections) you will know I’ve written this and you will stumble across it, one day.

    Because I’m sure as hell not giving you any inkling as to where to find it.

    From your average friend