Time to BITCH up. Show us your BITCH stripes. Buy the bar a round of BITCH slaps. Scream it loud, scream it proud “I’m a BITCH!”
I just wanted to tell you that even though all this time has passed, I still love you. No, I don’t believe its fair. And no I don’t believe its right!!! Yes I have a boyfriend. And once again, its not you. I understand that what you and I had, will no longer be. I also understand that you never want me back. But for some odd reason I’m still holding on to you. Why? You may ask yourself. And the answer to that, is something I would like to know aswell. This gent treats me great. He hasn’t disappointed me in anyway. But my heart won’t open up to him completly. He deserves to be cared for the same way he cares for me. Next to him I feel safe. I feel special. I feel like nothing could go wrong. Next to you I feel annoyed. I feel cheated on. I feel hurt, disappointed, destroyed. I feel like everything and anything can go wrong but we will get out of it alive. My friends ask me..”What does he have that the new one doesn’t” and I don’t answer that. I don’t answer not because I don’t know the answer to that but because the answer is that. You have me. You have my heart my being my soul. You are everything that matters to me. But unfortunately I’m just a ghost in the past. A year 3 months and 21 days later, you still mean the world to me. I don’t understand why. But you are in my heart. And you will remain there, until my heart burns. And even then, the ashes will whisper your name as they flow through the wind. I loved you back then, I love you right now, n I’ll love you forever.
I thought I had gotten over the fact that we were once in love. I thought that I could start fresh without worrying about what you would say, but here I am, hoping that one day you’ll once again be with me. I thought I had moved on, its been over a year!!. But no, the moment I see you again, the moment you acknowledge my presence, all the feelings come rushing back into my being. I become furios, happy, sad, excited,disappointed and confused. I hate that I love you so much. And to you, I’m nothing but an ex girlfriend lost in the past.
There is a girl I see waiting for her bus every day. She’s probably about 16. Her dad gets up every morning to accompany her to the bus stop, and waits with her until the bus arrives. They don’t hug or kiss or anything. He lifts his coffee in her direction, and she smiles. He waits until the bus pulls away and he walks back to their house. I would have killed my dad if he ever did that. How embarrassing. And yet when this dad waits with his daughter, I think it’s the sweetest thing in the world. He cares so much for her. And she clearly loves him back and doesn’t mind his being there. He makes sure she gets to school safely and on-time every day. He gets up early every day to see his baby off. It blows me away. It fascinates me. I feel such a love for the two of them. And they have no idea.
I’ve revealed more of myself to you than I ever have to anyone else. I feel like you know me so well, know my darkness and love me anyway. HE sees me as “a sweetheart,” a truly nice person. It’s true, I am a sweetheart to him. Because I love him, and it’s the only side of me he sees. HE doesn’t believe me when I assure him I’m a selfish bitch. Hate to break it to him, but if he can’t even imagine the idea, I’m scared he’d run if he knew how vindictive and cruel and disturbed I am. But YOU know. YOU know I’m mean and sarcastic and filthy-minded…and also hopeful and vulnerable and dreamy. And you’re still here. YOU know me. With advice and support and all the dirty jokes I could wish for. You make me remember all that I am, bad AND good. You make me proud of the way I am. Thanks for accepting me and letting me be what I say I am.
It’s strange how hot and cold everything in this relationship is. I love you one day. I’m indifferent the next. I want you with me most of the time. Sometimes I wonder what about you is so great anyway. Sometimes I send messages that are too long and too revealing. For the most part, I know to keep it brief and a bit mysterious. I’m never fully there. I want to be. But my mind wanders. It doesn’t know WHAT it wants. Right now, though, it wants you here to hold me as I fall asleep.