I’m so sorry. I want to say this to you so badly, but I can’t. This fight is ripping us apart, and I know neither of us want this. I love you, and when you tell me it was all your fault, the guilt kills me. It is like needles stabbing into me. You mean so much to and hearing you blame yourself, and hearing stories of you suffering makes me feel like the worse person in the world. That is the last thing I want for you.
At camp, when you ignored me I died. That 2-month period of not talking were the worst 2-months of my life. It hurt me in unimaginable ways. And when I knew you could have changed the outcome, I hated you. When I told you I wanted to make you mad, I was being selfish, arrogant and an awful person. I was mad, and I couldn’t control what I said. The rage surged through me when I found out what you did. But I was immature and didn’t get over it. I wanted to starts fights, because when we meet 6 years ago, I immediately adored you. Your charisma, humor, and beauty were things I could not and still cannot ignore. When you tell me I shouldn’t be nice to you, and how awful you are, I think of all our amazing times together in the past and how none of these hateful adjectives describe you.
I want you to know how much I care about you as a person and how much you affect my entire life. When we fight, I can’t think of anything else. Just you. I want everything to be right, but sometimes it seems like this is the point of no return. I know that’s silly because we have been close since 4th grade, but when we are neck in neck fighting, I hate it.
Please forgive everything I’ve done, and stop blaming yourself for nothing.
I’m sorry I wasn’t the best girlfriend, but please don’t think none of it mattered. It’s been over two years since we’ve spoken and I still feel the results of my first heartbreak, the one from you. I kept that diamond you found one day and gave to me. I kept that ring with the heart gem you gave to me for christmas. The flowers from valentines day that I dried, the prom ticket that was supposed to be yours, the movie stubs, the wooden roses, the pictures, I saved for over a year before I could let those things go. But the ring and diamond I never could part with. They’re reminders of all the things I will never do again.
I’m sorry I wasn’t the best girlfriend. You were my first and I had all these standards of what a good girlfriend should be, but it wasn’t who I was. I lost myself, got confused and acted out in unacceptable ways. You had every right to end it, and I’m sorry for what I did. I lost myself when I was with you. I didn’t know who I was, I lost most of my friends, a lot of them I still don’t speak to just because I never was able to reconnect with them after so long of spending all my time with you instead of them. It was my fault. I learned a hard lesson that I never forgot. We won’t ever be friends, and it makes me very sad. I still love you. Not the way I did, but as a friend, and I wish you the very best. You deserve what you’ll get.
It’s been just over 5 years since we met and I fell in love with you. I know you love me back. So when are you going to give us a proper chance? I will wait forever if I have to… 5 years is nothing
So many things happen throughout my days without you that I would love to share with you.
A joke, a story… I know I can’t.
I know you left me for her.
I hope she makes you more miserable than you made me.
I’ve been waiting and waiting. I’ve been waiting for you my entire life and now two years after meeting you I’m waiting for you still.
You’re slow to mature Josh. I helped you, I love you but now what can I say? You Did mature and then you got stuck. I kept going and now I’m sick of waiting.
Its been two years Josh. I know I can’t force you to grow up, I don’t want to. But I’m sick of waiting, too.
You’re losing me.
I’m trying to stay but I just can’t.
I’m in love with someone else. Somebody I haven’t met yet that I have created in my head to fill the slots that you can’t. Yes, Love. It is as they say. Writers are crazy.
Why don’t you see me? I wish I hated you. If I did, maybe my heart wouldn’t fall into pieces every time I see you. We walk home every day together, but every time I try to talk you just give me a one word answer and then ignore me.
I wish you felt this way. Some days I wish something would happen to me or I would be in a terrible accident so you would realize how close you came to losing me and tell me how you feel. But I know you don’t feel that way. I try to flirt with other guys in front of you so you feel jealous, but I know you don’t. I wish that one day when you shut your locker and give me that polite empty smile I save for adults you would just reach out and take my hand. It’s been 7 years. 7 long, goddamn terrible years. I keep thinking I should just move on. I wrote so many songs about you I just gave you your own notebook. I wear a ring on a chain around my neck so one day I can take it off and you can ask where it went and I can tell you about some asshole who broke up with me, and you can kiss away my tears. Sometimes I feel like you wouldn’t notice even if I ripped my clothes off in front of you.
I try to talk to other guys and I flirt with them and I even let one kiss my cheek, but when he tried to kiss my lips I walked away on the verge of tears. I wish that had been you. I wish you had been my first kiss.
So many girls try to talk to you, but you ignore them. I wish you would just say yes to one girl, even if it isn’t me, just so she can feel her heart jump every time she hears your voice.
I know this is weird because we’ve never been more than friends, but I think I love you.