• Dear Parents

    by  • September 26, 2010 • 6 Comments

    I want therapy. I want to see a psychiatrist and get help. I cut. I’m an on and off again anorexic and lately I think I’m starting to be bulimic. I’m depressed. I have panic attacks. But you can’t see any of this.

    You just think I’m some little whiny unappreciative bitch who doesn’t know how to buck up and live life. Please just open your eyes and see that I’m slowly dying on the inside. I don’t know how to go on much longer.

    Please just listen for once. I want to tell you all of this so badly, but I know you won’t take
    it well. You’ll start yelling and tell me “well just stop okay Rachel? I don’t want people to find out about this.” Because that’s what you always say.

    You’re so damn worried about what other people think.

    Please just make me feel comfortable enough to tell you all of this. I know I need help. I want help, even if I don’t want to stop cutting. I know that I need to if I ever want to be happy. And I want to be happy so badly. Please let me be happy.

    Listen to me. I don’t know how to tell you.
    Your Daughter

    Divorce

    by  • September 26, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Dear Lush,

    I told you I stopped loving you years ago. I lied. I still love you and I will always love you.

    I can’t believe we’re getting a divorce. 6 years of my life gone. Just because I was stupid and didn’t realize how good I had it with you.

    I will miss our lives together and I will never forgive myself for messing it up.

    Your Harlet.

    Premiere

    by  • September 26, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Tonight will make me think of the one thing I want to change about myself. The one thing that I don’t tell anyone. Except for you. Except for the person who I trusted, when I told myself to trust no one.

    I hate you for making me tell you. Part of me wanted to, but I knew it would end up like this. My deepest, darkest secret is out. Who knows who you told.

    It’s also worse now. You made it better, but it’s worse that it was in the beginning. You’ve confirmed my suspicions. I fear there’s no stopping it now.

    I used to have you. I wanted to change, and I wanted help. You told me that you would be my light, no matter what. Even if we weren’t together. That was a lie. Just like most things you told me. Just like I do, to everyone I talk to.

    Coffee with a friend

    by  • September 26, 2010 • 12 Comments

    Oh how I wish I could have coffee with a friend.
    Even if it were for five minutes or ten.
    To chat and smile, laugh for a while.
    Oh to have coffee with a friend.

    17.

    by  • September 26, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I am turning 17 in 10 days. 10 DAYS!!! I can hardly wait, I’m so hyper about it. 17…only one more year ’til I go on to learn all about how to be a doctor.

    Hopefully after that and all things permitting, I can go into the army as a surgeon.

    I am a girl, I am really tall and big, so I’ll never be a model. I don’t really want to be, either, so that’s okay. I want to drive a motorcycle and ski all winter and have an awesome time, laughing at my stupidity regularly, with my friends.

    I am only 16 going on 17 and I already have my perfect future planned out. Even though I’m not naive enough to believe that it will go smoothly.

    I am straight. I have never kissed a boy. I have kissed a girl, though. I was 7, so I don’t count it as sexual. It was more like “I dare you to . . . ew! You actually did!”

    I have felt love but it has never come to anything meaningful, like a date or being more than friends.

    I love a really weird mix of music. If you had all the music I like in one place, you’d probably think I was high half the time and drunk the second.

    I don’t really know why I’m putting all of this out here in cyberspace. I guess it’s because I’m just so happy that I’m nearly done with the mundane routine of school and family and school again.

    But then I’m nearly 17. And this is when everything I do will change.

    I will get to learn how to drive and my parents are finally letting me have some freedom and I no longer have to wear a school uniform everyday. I don’t have to worry about what is supposedly ‘cool’ because I’ll be getting an allowance soon, and so I won’t have my parents’ money to spend on the stuff that everyone has but doesn’t need.

    I can legally learn to drive a tractor, buy scissors, order a beer in a pub without my parents present and soon, I will be learning how to drive.

    And then I can escape.

    Tired But Happy

    by  • September 26, 2010 • 0 Comments

    My life has gotten so busy recently and I am thoroughly exhausted yet energized in a strange way. I am so happy and I haven’t been able to say that in a while! Things are looking up:)

    I hope others that are down will feel this way soon. I want the whole world to feel what I feel right now! No…I’m not on drugs! I’ve just finally found my way:)