• The hole has not yet completely healed over

    by  • October 3, 2010 • 0 Comments

    It’s been 9 weeks, 2 days since we officially broke up. It’s only been 8 weeks since we ‘talked’ which ended up in us having sex. I don’t regret it. It was very passionate and spontaneous.

    I have worked on myself quite a lot in that time. I’ve gone through mourning our relationship, hating you, missing you, loving you and crying like I couldn’t imagine I could cry anymore, couldn’t care less what you did with your life and sometimes being so numb I’ve felt nothing. I’m still trying to finally heal that hole that you left.

    I know that really it’s not to do with me at all. It’s to do with you. It doesn’t matter who you get with next, the same thing will happen. Before long the ‘real’ you will emerge and you’ll dump them too and run. Not that the ‘real’ you is that bad. Personally I loved you, like I have loved no one else before, not even my ex husband.

    But no one will ever get close. You won’t let them. There is something so deep that you have buried, that even when you admitted to me that you have never revealed so much about yourself to anyone else and trusted anyone as much as you have trusted me (I do believe you by the way), there is still something that you need to not ‘deal’ with yet. I really hope for your sake, because you are great guy, that you will deal with it one day.



    by  • October 3, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Hello, yeah, it’s been a while.
    Not much, how ’bout you?
    I’m not sure why I called,
    I guess I really just wanted to talk to you.
    And I was thinking maybe later on,
    We could get together for a while.
    It’s been such a long time,
    And I really do miss your smile.


    by  • October 3, 2010 • 1 Comment

    i have reasons to be sad. my mom drinks, i drink, my dad’s an asshole, i’m probably pregnant, the father stopped talking to me after he took my virginity, i’m fifteen, my sister stopped talking to me, i’m losing all of my friends, i’m a total bitch.

    i thought it was sprinkling outside. i felt the water, i even saw the drops falling from the sky. i was smoking a cigarette. why didnt it go out?

    it wasn’t sprinkling.
    i pee blood.
    why dont i care? fuck.

    F YOU

    by  • October 3, 2010 • 1 Comment

    Dear AssHole,

    I still love you. Or at least the idea of you.

    Lately I have not been able to get you out of my head and its driving me absolutely insane. All I can seem to think about is “us” when things were good, it seems like it wasn’t that long ago but I guess it was. You made me so happy and so mad all at the same time. I know that things weren’t perfect, but what relationship is when you are only seventeen and eighteen? I thought we were getting to a really good point and then you broke my heart. Literally broke it into a million pieces, and I still haven’t put it back together yet. And then just when I was doing better, you break me down again.

    This summer was supposed to be the best summer of my life, but instead I was absolutely miserable and I blame you. I have these awful dreams where I see the two of you together and it makes me physically sick. Everything reminds me of you. I can’t escape it, and I HATE that you still have this hold on me. I just want it to stop. I want to move on and be done with you, because God knows you have been done with me for a very long time. I just wish it hadn’t ended the way it did. Or at all. I wish i wasn’t so pathetic.

    Thanks for killing me inside,

    Drifting apart…

    by  • October 3, 2010 • 1 Comment


    Do you know how hard it is for me to watch us grow apart? We used to be so close and inseparable but now it’s like you could care less what I’m up to. I loved you then and I love you now. I have loved you for 8 years and I don’t know what else to do to show you that. It’s like I don’t matter anymore. This time last year, we were planning our wedding. I had a beautiful ring on my left hand and you had my heart. You’ve always had it. You always will.

    I hate how far apart we are. The Army has destroyed what we have. I miss seeing you everyday and snuggling with you. I hate knowing I could call you at anytime and now I can’t even do that because of the time difference and how much it costs to call Germany.

    I hate that you never answer my texts because of your “busy schedule,” but you have enough time to play Call of Duty and be on Facebook commenting on other girls’ pictures. I hate this whole situation. I hate that I love you and I hate that you don’t seem to love me anymore. I hate that I am sitting here alone and you’re probably out having the time of your life. I hate myself for believing things would get better, we just needed time apart. That was a cop out you used so you could do whatever you wanted without feeling guilty and I fell for it.

    I hate that I’ve turned down twenty guys because I don’t want to be unfaithful to you. I’m so confused. I know you’re coming home in March for good and you say you want me to move to be with you, but do you really want that? It doesn’t seem like it. A girl is coming to see you in November and you swear you’re just friends, but friends don’t call each other cute and flirt the way you two do. If you love her, I wish you would just tell me so I could move on.

    I really, really love you. I want to be with you. I need to know the answers to all these questions that I can’t get rid of but everytime I ask, you go off on me. I’m so confused and so hurt. I feel like your back up plan and I think I deserve better than that.

    So please, come to your senses and see what you have before you or let me go so I can find someone who will appreciate me for who I am.

    Always Yours,

    I’ve never

    by  • October 3, 2010 • 0 Comments

    … felt someone hold me the whole night through.
    … felt someone hold me period.
    … had a boyfriend.
    … had some long for me.
    … had someone want to hold me.
    … cried on anyone’s shoulder.
    … kissed anyone sober.
    … told anybody my worries.
    … let my guard down.
    … let the real me shine.
    … told anyone this.

    I have…
    … held someone.
    … longed for someone.
    … wanted to hold someone.
    … let someone cry on my shoulder.
    … kissed people drunk.
    … allowed people to be themselves around me.
    … listened to people’s worries.
    … told people this, in fewer words.

    I know things will be okay. I know I know I know.
    Something’s got to be wrong.
    I am normal.
    I am confident.
    I am myself.
    I am smart.

    I am missing something.
    You fucking ruined me.
    Seriously, if I never started comparing myself to you, I would be so much better off. No matter what I do I am thinking in the back of my head “yea, when she hears about this, she is going to be jealous of me for once.”

    I am so successful.
    I have so many friends.
    But no one to hold me.