• Letter to my father

    by  • August 24, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Dad,

    It’s been a little over 12 years since I have seen you. That is 4,383 days I have gone without a father. 626 weeks that your 3, and possibly 4, children have gone without their dad. I talk to them, and I get the feeling that I’m the most pained by that fact. That kills me. There are so many experiences in my 20 years of living that I wish I had you there for. You’re not. So many questions I have. So many of your opinions I haven’t had in my life to consider. Dad, I went to your house every other weekend for a few years. I hated every minute I spent in you and your girlfriends house. In the scheme of things I really wish I knew that its all I would ever have with you, because now I can’t even get that. Your family has called me as recently as last year. They wanted to visit, or have me visit. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. They’ve stopped calling. Dad, I don’t know anything about you. I know your name. I know your age. But I don’t know anything real about you. I can’t ask my Mom. She has no interest in talking about you. My sister would like to shield me from your life’s mistakes. I haven’t talked to my older brother in years, but he has a family.. with a whole lot of kids you’ll never get the opportunity to meet. I suppose I should be grateful for the time I had with you while you were around, but I can’t help myself in wanting so much more.

    Dad… You were taken from my life far too early. I know its not really your fault. I wish I could stop trying to blame someone, because I know I’ll never find anyone at fault. And I know it sounds a lot like I’m blaming you. I just wish I had you around. I would give anything to have you back in my life. Even if it were just for a day, if I got my dad for an entire day, I would give up anything for just one more day.

    I need closure. I don’t know how I’ll ever find it. I don’t know how to find it. I don’t even know that this letter will help at all. I just wish you were here. I wish we could go fishing. I wish we could catch turtles and make shirts again. I wish you would take me to your barbershop and cut my hair. I wish we could go out to eat. I wish you saw me graduate high school. I wish I could tell you that I’m gay. I wish you were here for that entire period of my life. I wish I had your insight, your opinions, your thoughts. I wish you were here for all of my life. There hasn’t been anything I’ve ever wanted more. I miss you more than anything, Dad. Even though this is an unsent letter, I hope it somehow gets to you.

    Love, always, your son.

    nick lon*.

    by  • August 24, 2010 • 1 Comment

    i dont know where it went wrong. i dont know when or why you stopped loving me. i dont know how i managed to fuck up the only thing that really mattered to me. i have never been as happy as i was when i was with you, and i would give anything in the world to fix it…. but its too late now. you broke me, i gave up, im not the same girl as i once was. im not happy and giddy, i dont smile too big to kiss. i lost my sparkle when i lost you when i gave up and left, i gave up happiness as a whole. thats not me, im supposed to be a postive person. im supposed to believe that eliminating the bad and the stress will make everything happy, but right now you are the hurt… and i could never forget about the way you made me feel.

    when i moved away reality set in that i will probably never see you again. but i had to, i couldnt stay there. at least now i dont have to have a constant reminder of you. i think of you every 11 seconds, it could be worse, i could still be in welland and be thinking about you every 3 seconds.
    this is the first time ive ever been defeated, the first time i hung my head and walked away. its not something i do. but like i said, you broke me.

    i wish after 3 months of not talking to you or seeing you it would get easier. i wish it didnt hurt as much as the day i watched you drive your big yellow truck away… but it does. and it wont stop hurting. and you probably dont even remember me. i was such an insignificant part of your life. you dont understand how happy you made me.

    oh what i would do to fall asleep beside you one more night. one night without nightmares, one night without crying, one night without heartache.

    but one night would never happen, and i continue to wish for things that will never come true.

    im sorry i loved you too much, and im sorry i continue to love you too much. and im sorry my heart hurts. i know that you would just want me to feel happy without you.

    I’m In Love

    by  • August 24, 2010 • 0 Comments

    With a boy I’ve never met. We go to the same school but we are in different friend groups and he doesn’t even know I’m alive. But I have a close friend who’s friends with him and I’m in love with him. But he will never know, and he’ll never love me back

    i’m still not over it

    by  • August 24, 2010 • 0 Comments

    i get angry every time i think about our huge fight that ended our secret relationship. i wish you would have been honest with your girlfriend instead of just throwing me under the bus. i know its hard for you when you see me cause temptation is bad but just in case you were wondering if i still cared about you just know that i do and that i never meant it when i said i was through with you 🙁

    Why can’t you see?

    by  • August 24, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Do you honestly not see? Do you not see how much I like you? Jameson, I really really like you. You’re adorable, hot, handsome, cute, everything. I find your insecurities humorous, but would never tell you. I just say what I know to build you up. Why can’t you see how deep my feelings are for you!? I think about you so much, I long for you beside me, I long for you to touch me, hold me, kiss me, be with me. But I don’t know why you don’t see. Do you know what I would do for you? I would get on my knees to satisfy you even if I was uncomfortable with it, I want to do that. I want to be with you more than friends. I want to be physical with you. I want to kiss you on the cheek and see that adoring smile.

    Now I know this isn’t love. But it’s a start. I’ve loved you since we were kids. Even when you were mean to me, when you teamed up on me with my brother, when you made me cry. I would never admit it, but I always had a crush on you. A curiosity, a longing, a observation. I worked so hard to get to you, to talk and to be with you. And have us both be comfortable with each other. Last night we did. We were so comfortable. We talked for three whole hours. When you looked at the clock and saw the time, you laughed and said you haven’t had a talk like that in a long time. You said it felt like five minutes, to me if felt like two.

    I want to tell you how I feel. How bad I want you. How much I want to kiss your beautiful, soft, full lips. I want you to understand. But I won’t ever do that. No, I know I won’t. I’m too scared that you won’t like me. I’m afraid you’ll reject me. I’m afraid I’ll never be good enough for you. Will I? Will I ever get enough courage to tell you? To kiss you on the cheek? Will you think that we’re just like brother and sister, nothing more, nothing less. But I don’t want that. I’ve seen the way you’ve looked at me. I think it’s something more than that, something else. Others have noticed it too. They’ve told me. The neighbor asked if I was the bride. But I wasn’t, and you weren’t the groom.

    Jameson, I want you. Badly. I want you to know how I feel. But I don’t know how to tell you. Why can’t you see it? Why can’t you just see it so I don’t have to go through all this hurt and hope that one day you will, and you’ll love me the way I love you.