You want to know why I’m so moody and bitchy all the time? I cut myself. And it’s slowly eating me alive. I don’t know what to do anymore. So I lash out.
Every time you yell at me is just another scar.
Love, your ungrateful, rude, bitchy, inconsiderate daughter
I want to tell you so badly: I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I entered a relationship with you while still in love with another man. I’m sorry that I try to hide my tears while sleeplessly lying in your arms feeling guilty and sad. I’m sorry that you will probably never have my whole heart. I’m sorry that I’m going to fall in love with you and leave you when he comes back to me.
I’m so sorry.
They don’t see me, not really.
They tell me I’m a horrible person with a horrible personality that no one could ever love.
They don’t see the tears. They don’t see the cuts, or the knife I keep on my bedside table. They don’t see me eat, because I don’t. They don’t see me in the bathroom, throwing up. They don’t see me shivering, shaking, crying, gasping for breath as I suffer a panic attack. They don’t see me stay up late trying to cope with all of my classes, the workload that they put on me. They don’t see how much I just want their approval. They don’t see that a 4.3 GPA is damn good, and hard to get. They don’t see me cry myself to sleep over the guy who calls himself my best friend, because one night he used me for my body then started ignoring me. They don’t see the struggle I go through everyday trying to find my spirituality. They don’t see the empty hole not believing in God or Christ or anything has left in my soul.
They don’t see anything important.
Instead they see the bitchiness.
They see the fear that comes from hurting yourself. They see me sleep-deprived and rude. They see me push away food and they call me ungrateful. They see the one B on a report card of straight A’s. They see the 4.5 my GPA could’ve been. They see the guy who they loved so much, who stopped coming over because of how terrible I was. They see the heathen daughter who is an embarrassment to the family. They see the daughter who won’t believe in Christ or eat meat just to spite them. They see the daughter who is never good enough, never tries hard enough, is never thankful enough. They see the daughter they won’t admit to hating.
They don’t see how much I hate myself, because that’s all I know how to do.
You were my amazingly passionate, my first love.
Our relationship was far from perfect. You lied to me and cheated on me numerous times.
It’s all over now. Although we have different lives now and are in different relationships I still think about you a lot.
You have a girlfriend and a new baby and I’m so incredibly happy for you and I hope things are going good for you and your new family. As for me, I have a boyfriend of just over 8 months and I am the happiest I’ve been since I was with you. At times I am even happier than I was when I was with you. But I still can’t get you out of my head.
I often think about how you are, what you’re doing right now, if you ever think about me, if your girlfriend really did go through your phone that one time and that’s why you blocked me from every way of communicating with you.
I do not want to get back together with you because for 1. I believe I am much more better off with Sam and I am so happy with him and for 2. I’m not sure we would ever work out together after being apart for this long. I do miss you very much and do think about what would have happened if I was 18 while you were still living in Idaho and actually went to live with you. I think if we would have tried to make it work out between us, it would have.
I already knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.
We didn’t need to break up for me to figure that out. I hope that wasn’t the reason you really wanted to break up.
I miss you so much, I think about you each and every day. I miss laying next to you and touching your face and kissing your lips. I miss staring into your eyes and smelling your smell when I put my face into your neck.
I want to be the only girl you love all of your life.
I can no longer tell you these things because we are broken up and you don’t want to hear them. It’s killing me to still have all these feelings inside and no way to show them or release them. I told you to go and talk to other people, that I wanted you to – I want you to go and meet other girls so that hopefully it will make you realize how much we are meant to be together.
Both of us are scared the timing will never be right again for us to love each other, but I think both of us want it to happen more than anything in the world.
I already knew we were soulmates, and I pray that you know that too.
Thank you for being there for me.
You forgave me for hurting you when I couldn’t even forgive myself. You helped me when I needed it and you stuck by me even when I know I pissed you off. Thank you for being such a great friend.
We’re both unbelievably busy, and I’m sorry we almost never get to hang out. But I want you to know that I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.
Thank you for everything.
I love you.