I still love you. Or at least the idea of you.
Lately I have not been able to get you out of my head and its driving me absolutely insane. All I can seem to think about is “us” when things were good, it seems like it wasn’t that long ago but I guess it was. You made me so happy and so mad all at the same time. I know that things weren’t perfect, but what relationship is when you are only seventeen and eighteen? I thought we were getting to a really good point and then you broke my heart. Literally broke it into a million pieces, and I still haven’t put it back together yet. And then just when I was doing better, you break me down again.
This summer was supposed to be the best summer of my life, but instead I was absolutely miserable and I blame you. I have these awful dreams where I see the two of you together and it makes me physically sick. Everything reminds me of you. I can’t escape it, and I HATE that you still have this hold on me. I just want it to stop. I want to move on and be done with you, because God knows you have been done with me for a very long time. I just wish it hadn’t ended the way it did. Or at all. I wish i wasn’t so pathetic.
Thanks for killing me inside,
Do you know how hard it is for me to watch us grow apart? We used to be so close and inseparable but now it’s like you could care less what I’m up to. I loved you then and I love you now. I have loved you for 8 years and I don’t know what else to do to show you that. It’s like I don’t matter anymore. This time last year, we were planning our wedding. I had a beautiful ring on my left hand and you had my heart. You’ve always had it. You always will.
I hate how far apart we are. The Army has destroyed what we have. I miss seeing you everyday and snuggling with you. I hate knowing I could call you at anytime and now I can’t even do that because of the time difference and how much it costs to call Germany.
I hate that you never answer my texts because of your “busy schedule,” but you have enough time to play Call of Duty and be on Facebook commenting on other girls’ pictures. I hate this whole situation. I hate that I love you and I hate that you don’t seem to love me anymore. I hate that I am sitting here alone and you’re probably out having the time of your life. I hate myself for believing things would get better, we just needed time apart. That was a cop out you used so you could do whatever you wanted without feeling guilty and I fell for it.
I hate that I’ve turned down twenty guys because I don’t want to be unfaithful to you. I’m so confused. I know you’re coming home in March for good and you say you want me to move to be with you, but do you really want that? It doesn’t seem like it. A girl is coming to see you in November and you swear you’re just friends, but friends don’t call each other cute and flirt the way you two do. If you love her, I wish you would just tell me so I could move on.
I really, really love you. I want to be with you. I need to know the answers to all these questions that I can’t get rid of but everytime I ask, you go off on me. I’m so confused and so hurt. I feel like your back up plan and I think I deserve better than that.
So please, come to your senses and see what you have before you or let me go so I can find someone who will appreciate me for who I am.
… felt someone hold me the whole night through.
… felt someone hold me period.
… had a boyfriend.
… had some long for me.
… had someone want to hold me.
… cried on anyone’s shoulder.
… kissed anyone sober.
… told anybody my worries.
… let my guard down.
… let the real me shine.
… told anyone this.
… held someone.
… longed for someone.
… wanted to hold someone.
… let someone cry on my shoulder.
… kissed people drunk.
… allowed people to be themselves around me.
… listened to people’s worries.
… told people this, in fewer words.
I know things will be okay. I know I know I know.
Something’s got to be wrong.
I am normal.
I am confident.
I am myself.
I am smart.
I am missing something.
You fucking ruined me.
Seriously, if I never started comparing myself to you, I would be so much better off. No matter what I do I am thinking in the back of my head “yea, when she hears about this, she is going to be jealous of me for once.”
I am so successful.
I have so many friends.
But no one to hold me.
I’m so sorry. I want to say this to you so badly, but I can’t. This fight is ripping us apart, and I know neither of us want this. I love you, and when you tell me it was all your fault, the guilt kills me. It is like needles stabbing into me. You mean so much to and hearing you blame yourself, and hearing stories of you suffering makes me feel like the worse person in the world. That is the last thing I want for you.
At camp, when you ignored me I died. That 2-month period of not talking were the worst 2-months of my life. It hurt me in unimaginable ways. And when I knew you could have changed the outcome, I hated you. When I told you I wanted to make you mad, I was being selfish, arrogant and an awful person. I was mad, and I couldn’t control what I said. The rage surged through me when I found out what you did. But I was immature and didn’t get over it. I wanted to starts fights, because when we meet 6 years ago, I immediately adored you. Your charisma, humor, and beauty were things I could not and still cannot ignore. When you tell me I shouldn’t be nice to you, and how awful you are, I think of all our amazing times together in the past and how none of these hateful adjectives describe you.
I want you to know how much I care about you as a person and how much you affect my entire life. When we fight, I can’t think of anything else. Just you. I want everything to be right, but sometimes it seems like this is the point of no return. I know that’s silly because we have been close since 4th grade, but when we are neck in neck fighting, I hate it.
Please forgive everything I’ve done, and stop blaming yourself for nothing.
I’m sorry I wasn’t the best girlfriend, but please don’t think none of it mattered. It’s been over two years since we’ve spoken and I still feel the results of my first heartbreak, the one from you. I kept that diamond you found one day and gave to me. I kept that ring with the heart gem you gave to me for christmas. The flowers from valentines day that I dried, the prom ticket that was supposed to be yours, the movie stubs, the wooden roses, the pictures, I saved for over a year before I could let those things go. But the ring and diamond I never could part with. They’re reminders of all the things I will never do again.
I’m sorry I wasn’t the best girlfriend. You were my first and I had all these standards of what a good girlfriend should be, but it wasn’t who I was. I lost myself, got confused and acted out in unacceptable ways. You had every right to end it, and I’m sorry for what I did. I lost myself when I was with you. I didn’t know who I was, I lost most of my friends, a lot of them I still don’t speak to just because I never was able to reconnect with them after so long of spending all my time with you instead of them. It was my fault. I learned a hard lesson that I never forgot. We won’t ever be friends, and it makes me very sad. I still love you. Not the way I did, but as a friend, and I wish you the very best. You deserve what you’ll get.
It’s been just over 5 years since we met and I fell in love with you. I know you love me back. So when are you going to give us a proper chance? I will wait forever if I have to… 5 years is nothing