• It seems so simple!

    by  • August 28, 2010 • 0 Comments

    We talk with ease for hours into the night when we’re together. When we’re not, all day we text or chat on the computer. You told me your feelings the other night and it gives me hope, the same hope that I am ashamed to feel. The hope that you will finally end things with your girlfriend.

    You told me you know that’s the right thing to do, that that should happen, that you are not happy in that relationship. It seems so simple! But you say it’s complicated. You want to wait until it is a mutual breakup but I’m not sure I understand. All I understand is there is something fantastic between us and the tension of wanting to just lean together and kiss was nearly unbearable. If you hadn’t had to go home that night I’m sure we would have talked until the sun rose again, just like the first time I told you how I felt. So here we are. I’m your secret. But just knowing that you want to be with me, even with my 500lb gorilla of religious differences, lit a fire in my heart that I cannot even try to tame anymore. You don’t know how special you are. You are a truly wonderful person. You fill my soul with music!

    I hope more than anything someday I can make brownies for you and we can watch a cheesy old comedy and not worry about anything else in the world.

    Thank you for coming into my life.

    reciprocated feelings…

    by  • August 28, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I hate saying goodbye to you. The initial distance sucks, but this “little bit extra” with minimal communication is destroying me. Everyday, I’m surrounded by things that remind me of you, at work and at home. It breaks my heart feeling like I don’t mean as much to you as you mean to me. You’re so emotionally unavailable it makes me wonder if we should even be in a relationship. It kills me to think that, but I don’t want to be the girl you settle for because the other two just didn’t work out.

    I want to be the one you love, the one you want to marry, the one you want to spend your life with… not the one you settled for. You’re so far away and you say getting letters/packages from me is the highlight of your day. You say you miss me. You says it’s good to see me when i can use a webcam. But it feels so empty. Your letters say so little. Your words even less. Maybe I’m the one that’s empty rendering me unable to accept these things. But I feel like I’m putting my whole heart into you and I the only emotion I get from you is pity. I hate it and I hate feeling like that. I couldn’t even tell you that I miss you too when you told me you miss me. I couldn’t even muster enough to say bye in our *letters* because I was afraid that you didn’t mean it. I was honest when I told you that I’m afraid that you don’t miss me as much as I miss you. And then suddenly it was “that time again.” I hate it.

    I’m surrounded by things that remind me of you. I send you things to remind you of me, but none of it means anything because your words are empty. My heart is growing cold and I’m going to start pushing you away again…like I always do. This time it might actually kill me, but I don’t want to waste time loving someone that doesn’t love me.

    You’re an amazing and wonderful person that I don’t deserve in my life. This is painfully evident by the lack of reciprocated feelings. “You may not love me today, tomorrow, or ever, but I will love you until it kills me, and, even then, you’ll be in my heart.” ~unknown

    *cries*

    I can’t let you go… or does it go both ways?

    by  • August 28, 2010 • 0 Comments

    You were never mine in the first place. Months before the first time we spoke, before I ever knew you the way I do now, you had already been taken away.

    So tell me, why can’t I just let go? It’s not as if you help either. We talked, non stop. You were going to leave her for me. After all, I left him for you.

    You changed your mind, wanted to be “just friends”. Conversation slowed to a trickle then stopped completely. Over a month later, all it took was two conversations over facebook to make me realize i never got over you. I broke up with my new boyfriend, one of your best friends. We started talking more, flirting. You said you like me, and I told you the same. We did things we shouldn’t have, out on that trail. It was not right to her.

    And now you won’t talk to me. You bailed out on drinking together a few days after, and when i asked why you stopped replying you said you were busy with work and stressing.

    I find that hard to believe. I know you don’t like to hurt people, so I can’t help but think that you are just trying to break it off without actually telling me.

    So, with this mindset I go to the store, and then you smile and wave at me.

    Now what the hell am I supposed to think? I can’t wait for school to start. I’ll get to see you more, and maybe I’ll cross your mind.

    Maybe you’ll strike up conversation with me. Maybe you’ll turn out to be the person you seem to be, the person I desperately want you to be.

    Some people say you’re a player. Some say you are the nicest guy. I don’t know what to think. I know what I want you to be, but I just don’t want to be hurt again.

    I think about you every day, all the time. I’m waiting for you.

    But please, Joseph, do something. If you aren’t interested, or don’t plan to ever date me, tell me, so I can move on.

    If you are, then get the hell on with leaving her so we can be together.

    You only have the rest of the school year. We only have the rest of the school year. Because then you’ll be gone to college. Please.

    Do something.

    I think I’m in love with you. I feel so much emotion just churning inside of me, whenever your name is even mentioned. Right now, writing this, I almost feel like I could cry. I’m going to wait for you.

    Not forever.

    But a damned long time.

    Hurry up.

    Please.

    I love you.

    Friends?

    by  • August 28, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I wish I could know if you want me as much as I want you. Both of us have been hurt by our exes, but we both need the comfort and acceptance found in a friend’s arms. I loved riding around with you last night, our arms just barely touching, accidentally or on purpose.

    You always look into my eyes for longer than you need to. You say my name a lot. You notice new things about me, and comment on them. You said I have such a pretty face, without makeup on. You say sweet things to me all the time.

    I like listening to you talk. I like making you laugh, so I can hear it and see your smile. I like the way you joke with me, and pick on me. I like your quiet, mellow demeanor. I like that you like 80s music, and the soft rock radio station. I like that you were totally blown away when you discovered I like hip-hop. I like you.

    The final goodbye.

    by  • August 28, 2010 • 1 Comment

    Just about two years ago, I met you. A year ago, I fell in love with you. And now, look at where we are. It’s pathetic really. What happened? How did it go from us, to you and her, to all of us, to none?

    It’s my fault, I admit it. I should have told you exactly how I felt the moment I felt it. But she was there, and we all know she gets exactly what she wants. In the end she hurt you, and I’ll never forgive myself for letting that happen. I should have been there for you; it should have been your side I took and I should have told you the moment it happened. I never wanted to see you hurt, so I waited as long as I could bare to wait. It appears that in the end the person who’s hurt the most is myself. Funny how that happens, huh. I love you. I’m more certain of that simple phrase then of anything else in my life. You truly are one of a kind. You don’t give yourself half the credit you deserve; you’re an amazing person. You could have any girl in the world, why you even thought about wasting your time with me is something I’ll never wrap my head around. But of course, everything must end, and now you’re saying this is goodbye. It hurts, I must admit. But what hurts more is knowing that despite all those times you told me you loved me and called me beautiful it was still her you desired to talk to more. When she told me all of what you said, I can’t even describe the amount of pain that flooded my body. Every ounce of blood in my body became suddenly heavy, every tear that fell from my eyes felt like anchors being thrown into the sea. I didn’t even have the strength to get up the next morning. I just slept until i couldn’t anymore, and then i lied there motionless staring at the rain outside. I felt sick to my stomach. I know you apologized, and I’m not mad. I knew you loved her, despite all those months you spent trying to convince me otherwise.

    What hurts the most is that yet again you fail to see what’s right in front of you; her true colors. While you had that heart-to-heart, she was seeing someone ELSE. You still have no idea, which is why I’m writing this letter to you. I love you, which is why I must let you go. She does too. I’ll never be able to tell you all of things she’s done, and there’s no use ever trying to. I’ve caused you enough pain. One day, I promise, I’ll tell her how I felt about you. That way you’ll be able to be honest too; guilt free. But in the meanwhile, I hope you live happily and smile at every chance you get. Don’t waste your times on ungrateful girls or girls that are scared of their own best friends.

    I love you, that will never change.

    Would you mind holding this?

    by  • August 28, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I would really like to let go of some responsibilities.  If you wouldn’t mind holding my job, and my tax return, and my healthcare bills, and laundry, and my dirty dishes… Well, if you could hold all of that stuff for a while I would really appreciate it.

    Thanks. I’ll be back “soon”.