• Schoolgirl Crushes

    by  • September 20, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I remembered last night the day before you moved so many years ago, that I hugged you.

    It’s been years, and it was just a middle school crush, reciprocated even though we never really acted on it. But that year was horrible for me. My depression was worsening, and the idea that my crush, who probably liked me back, was now moving hurt like you wouldn’t believe.

    I’m not one who needs to constantly be around people to care about them. I can care enough from afar, and it had less chance of me getting hurt. At that time, the last thing I needed was to get hurt.

    We had been in the same classes for 3 years. We sat near each other most of the time. You kind of had to give out hugs, since everyone knew each other fairly well. It was a small class, and any person leaving was going to change things at a time when a lot was changing.

    You sighed in exasperation when I asked for a hug. I always chose to think that you did it because you didn’t want me to know that you liked it, because you hugged me anyway. I also remember you hugging me tighter than anyone else, even if that’s not true either. Even if I am imagining these things, I really don’t care, as it’s one of the few good things I remember about that year, and if I have to delude myself into thinking that you enjoyed it, I will.

    I got a boyfriend the year after you left. Me and him have been together ever since. When we found each other again on Facebook, I looked at pictures that you had. It made me smile when I realized that I tend to go for the same kind of guys. Tall, blond and odd.

    I just wanted to let you know that I still kind of have a crush on you. You were the first decent boy who liked me, and was kind of like the schoolyard crushes girls all say they had in elementary school or before, which I never had because of reasons I will never tell you.

    So thank you for, in a way, being my first schoolgirl crush. I hope you find happiness, and I hope you have fun. But I know I don’t have to wish that for you; you will find it. That’s what I’ve always liked about you.

    A shy, cynical but secretly sentimental, girl

    If only who we like was a choice

    by  • September 20, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I don’t remember our first meeting very well, to be honest…

    But I remember the first time I saw you. You stood out in a crowd of people. You were vibrant and my first thought was “I want to talk to you.”

    While I don’t remember our first meeting very well, I do remember how excited I was when I came to the study session and you were there.

    Everything was a blur after that for awhile. We talked, we hung out, you were always bragging to everyone how smart I was…

    The clearest memory I have of you was the week I confessed I stood a chance of getting an internship with NASA that would have me in Houston for a spring semester.

    You stared at me for a long moment before you joked that I should screw up the phone interview.

    On some level, I should have been offended… but I didn’t really felt like you meant that you didn’t want me to succeed or to do something that cool. After all, you were the one who always bragged about how smart I was and you often told me it. You never seem intimidated by that fact.

    No, you saying that made me think you didn’t want me to go.

    I remember the phone call saying I got it. I remember going to another study session with you, and not being able to talk to you until afterward. But you took off too fast.

    I’m not sure why, but I followed after you. The words where caught in my throat as I watched your retreating back.

    I forced myself to call out your name. When you turned around and looked at me, I stopped and stared.

    Then I told you I got the internship.

    I don’t know what went through your head. I don’t know even what I was feeling. But you’re congratulations was weak. It was “I knew you would…”

    The next day you barely talked to me. You didn’t bother coming to study sessions hardly at all. You probably wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for the group projects.

    You were too busy chasing after someone else.

    It hurt. It hurt when we’d have a big get together as friends you wouldn’t come. It hurt when we had a going away party for me, you should up the last 30 minutes, with her by your side.

    You didn’t bother talking to me at all after I was gone. Once or twice, when I would bother you on facebook you’d talk to me. It was always about her though. Not that I blame you… not only was she beautiful, but she was funny. A real character.

    The only time you initiated conversation was after I had been back for a month and you asked me to a do a project for you. Because you were too busy. Because you had plans with her that were more important then doing your homework.

    I hated you so much. How could you so blatantly try to use me like that? I lashed out you. Even now, I do not feel guilty for it.

    That destroyed any feelings I had for you I thought. I had no intention of talking to you. I didn’t think you would talk to me after I tore you apart.

    You did though. It was timid and awkward. You cleaned up your act and behaved.


    Thanks for the knife in the back

    by  • September 20, 2010 • 0 Comments

    We had something together, you and I. You told me to wait until the fall because you didn’t want to start dating so close to the end of the semester.

    I waited, you didn’t. Instead you found someone else over the summer who goes to our college even though you told me you didn’t want to start anything. It was like a knife in my back. I’ve forgiven you enough to be civil with you, but I’m not sure that I can ever completely forgive you.

    I still wish the best for the both of you, I owe you at least that much for our time together.

    Miles of running but all I want is to run away with you

    by  • September 20, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I’ve run along the ocean in Australia and up mountains in Japan. I’ve run across green fields in Ireland. I’ve run in the busy streets of New York City and along the edge of the Grand Canyon. I’ve run through blizzards in Colorado and the blazing heat of a Florida summer. I’ve run with the stars as my only source of light and I’ve run to watch the sunrise. I’ve run alone and I’ve run where 18,000 people surrounded me. I’ve won races and I’ve broken records.

    Nothing will ever compare though to when we used to run around Lake Calhoun together.

    It was when we were running and I looked over at you and realized how incredible you really were. It was when we were running that I knew how lucky I was to be with you, even if just for a while. I guess I always knew I wasn’t good enough for you.

    Still though, even after all this time, I’d do anything to run away with you.

    Today I’m moving on and gonna be somebody

    by  • September 20, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Today is the last day I will do what you say.

    Today is the last day you will smack me around and treat me like I’m your bitch.

    Today is the last day that you will see your son.

    Today is the last day I’ll cook your dinner and bring you beers.

    Today is the last day I’ll ever feel anything for you.

    Today is the day that I’m moving on and leaving your ass far behind.

    Today is the day I’m gettin my shit together and gonna do me.

    Have fun gettin high and sittin on your lazy drunk ass cause I’m gonna build a life for me and my son and unlike you I’m gonna amount to something. I’m gonna be known as more than a dealer’s girlfriend and baby mama.

    Goodbye, Dominic.

    Lost in love with no where to go…

    by  • September 20, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Half a world apart since we first met…

    And now… only that longing until we can see each other again… a powerful feeling putting us in debt.

    I don’t search, or long, or dream of another…

    We talk every day… rarely in person… of idle plans to end this dispersion.

    A month here, 2 weeks there… it’s never enough to be with my lover.

    I lose myself in silence, hoping for answers… but nothing… only desperate desires.

    What do you do when you love someone with all your heart, and vice versa… but you know there is going to be at least another 5 years until you can ACTUALLY be together?

    What do you do when each day that goes by you feel your heart sink a little more inside… not because you think it’s never going to work out… and you should just end it… but because you know even deeper inside that THIS person you want to be with for the rest of your life… but so many obstacles are preventing it from happening?

    I am the type of person to say “screw obstacles”… but we both have big ones in our lives for at least another 4 years.

    So what do you do? What do you do when the pain and the frustration starts becoming too much?

    What happens if that pain ruins something amazing?

    I want to wait… but things change… and I want to change WITH you… not apart…

    I bet I could totally kick the Incredible Hulk’s ass right now!