It’s been a long time since you died and I’m becoming what some would say “up in years”. I just wanted you to know that I regret a lot of things about our relationship.
I’m so sorry that I never appreciated you more. You did so much for me and I simply took it all for granted. I don’t know if I felt like it was just something you “should have done” because you could afford it or that I was shallow enough to think I deserved it. But everything was a gift to me and I never properly thanked you. And I never properly apologized to you.
I’m sorry, grandma. I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time time getting to know who you were. We were arm’s length and I believe that’s because I never asked any questions. It’s almost as if I boxed our relationship into what I thought it was supposed to be and never delved deeper into what it could have been. I’m sorry I didn’t know about your hopes and your dreams. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you about love and boys and the first time you fell in love. I wish I had those answers now.
I’m so sorry from the bottom of my heart that you gave me money for my college education and I never graduated. I couldn’t bear the thought of telling you the truth. I had used the money to take care of myself but I didn’t take care of my education. I still have dreams that I go back to school and finish. I wish I would have…for you and me. I want you to know I never cashed your graduation check. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to do it. It felt so dirty.
I’m so sorry, grandma. I’m sorry that I was a coward and couldn’t face up to you. I’m sorry that I hid from my responsiblity and in turn, hid from you. I wish I could have given you more and sang with you more.
You were the closest grandparent I had and I wasted a lot of time with bullshit. If there is an afterlife, I hope to see you again and clear the air. I want to sing your old carols and ask you all the questions I want answered. And mainly I just want to tell you how very special you were to me.
I love you. I miss you. I hope to see you again.