• “I hate you.”

    by  • September 19, 2010 • 0 Comments

    You looked me straight in the face and said those exact words.

    Not because you mean them, but because you hate that I know what you won’t face. I know she doesn’t make you happy, but you won’t leave her. She’s disgusting and is mean to everyone. She uses you for anything she can get her hands on, even your own mother dislikes her. I wish you could see what every other person sees. I wish you would get rid of her. She doesn’t deserve you, and you know it. You are so much better than her. You know I could ruin everything for you in a split second, but you know I love you way too much to do that.

    You told me the night before last that you’re only with her so that you’re not alone. How could you possibly be alone when you know I’m here? And last night you had the nerve to lie to my face. You may hate me because I know you inside and out, but I hate you because you’re a liar. A liar, and a pessimist. You don’t care about anything but yourself. You get what you want and expect it to be perfect all the time. You blow everything off and never do anything for yourself. You expect everything to fall into your lap.

    I can’t trust you, but for some reason I will still spill my guts out to you, acting like you actually care. I tell you what I feel, even though I know it means nothing to you. You were the only one that I told to their face that I tried to kill myself on several occasions, and you were the only one to hug me. You’re the only one I’ve ever loved with my entire heart, and you’re the only one that has thrown it away.

    I want to hate you and throw you out of my life with no regrets, but I know we’ll always find a way back into each other’s life. It’s inevitable. It happens whether we want it to or not. I want to not love you anymore, but I can’t just stop. It’s a constant back and forth thing in my mind. I want to hate you, because of everything you’ve put me through, but I just can’t. Something inside of me won’t let me hate you.

    (more…)

    You Left Me For A Zombie Take II

    by  • September 19, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I once had a vacuum salesman tell me that when you get rid of a mattress it weighs ten pounds more than it did when you bought it. Something about skin particles.

    I’ve washed my sheets, my pillows…everything. It smells like you still. That strange, musky, manley, clean, unwashed hippy smell that I could never mistake. Your skin cells are still living in my mattress just like your number is still living in my phone even though I tell myself that I’ll never call you.

    Someday I’ll get a new phone, and a new mattress, but you’ll always be there in a way. Stinking up my belongings with your clean dirtiness.

    Secret

    by  • September 19, 2010 • 3 Comments

    My Dearest Sweetheart,

    Secretly, I’m in love with you.
    Utterly and completely head over heels.

    My face lights up with a smile when my phone says it’s you coming to call. And I don’t feel this way with anyone else.

    I can never tell you how I feel, though no matter how many times I want to just hold you for hours and hours. A part of me hopes that you will read this, and think of me, but I know you won’t. You’re the first I want to see you when I have a bad dream, or something goes wrong.

    You’re my best friend, but I will keep this secret for as long as I live. I’m in love with you, and there are times I wish you knew…

    With all my heart,
    G

    Perfect Friends, now a memory

    by  • September 19, 2010 • 1 Comment

    L,

    We were perfect friends. The best of friends.

    You are so nice, so funny, and so much like me. We got along perfectly. I can’t help but to think that we would still be as close as we were if your girlfriend wasn’t… her.

    I act nice when I see you around, and all I can think of is how much I hate that you actually like her. I can not help but to resent you for dating someone so evil. Yes, evil is the perfect word to describe how she treats those around her!

    It is hard to be in the same room as you now. It is hard to carry on a conversation with you, because in the end you are still with her, and I don’t think I realize what kind of person you must be to be with her… Or what kind of person she has changed you into.

    L, for every ones sake, I hope that some day you will see this. See her for who she is. I hope when you do, we can finally be the best of friends again. Maybe I do have a little crush on you, because you are one of the most awesome human beings out there, but this isn’t about a silly little crush. This is about her, more than anything.

    I wish you would chose to be with someone else, anyone else. Lord knows you can do better… ANYONE can do better than that. But, I will never tell you. Even though it has ruined our friendship (SHE single-handedly ruined our friendship) she in some way I haven’t seen, makes you happy. And I would never want to ruin your happiness.

    I miss you though. I miss you a ton.
    -J

    You can no longer hurt me

    by  • September 19, 2010 • 0 Comments

    There is something very empowering when I change my attitude towards you. I loved you so much, could see spending the rest of my life with you (as you also said to me) but when I keep ending up in tears because you’ve broken up with me (again) and you can’t really give me a decent reason, then I have to realise and admit that you are simply not the man for me.

    To see you still hurts. I miss your touch, your kiss, the look in your eyes, all those things that I believed you meant (and I think you did at the time).

    I have now changed my attitude because it is not helping me heal. I’m sure you aren’t at home crying over what we had. I’m not sure why I am.

    Well.. I am taking my power back and no longer giving it to you. You can’t hurt me anymore.. ever again. There will not be another time (no matter how much you tell me you regret breaking up, no matter how much you tell me you love me). If I see you with someone new, whilst it may initially hurt that it’s not me, I have to realise that at least you cannot hurt me again. I am now open to meeting new people and from that, I will meet the person that does truly love me and really does want to be with me, not just by saying it, but by showing it.

    All I know is, the things that you do and say, are just a mask to the turmoil that goes in your head. Until you sort that out, you will continue the same pattern. Sadly, you will hurt others but YOU WON’T HURT ME EVER AGAIN.

    Something About You

    by  • September 19, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Something about you makes me feel whole again.

    Something about the way you listen to me.

    Something about the way you cover your mouth when you’re trying not to laugh.

    Something about the way you don’t let anything that happens to you get you down.

    Something about the way you’re able to enjoy the simple things.

    Something about the way you’re usually the one to start our conversations.

    Something about the way you make me feel like I’m worth it.

    Something about the way I fell asleep that time we were on the phone.

    Something about the way you apologize way too much, for things that aren’t even your fault.

    Something about the way you always told me I’m smart.

    Something about the way you whispered in my ear that I don’t know how special I am.

    Something about the way you make fun of me, and yourself.

    Something about the way I don’t understand why you’re so interested in everything I have to say.

    Something about the way you’re willing to sacrifice sleep just to talk to me.

    Something about the way you’re just so content, the way you are.

    Something about the way you’re so carefree.

    Something about the way that, day after day, I looked at your eyes really hard, trying to figure out what color they were.

    Something about the way you told me you looked for me by my locker, even though you knew I never use it because it doesn’t open.

    Something about the way you told me I’d never be just a face in the crowd, not to you.

    Something about the way you promised me to take me to the beach at night someday.

    Something about the way you joke that you “steal” my hours just to hear me talk.

    Something about the way you laugh, quiet in my ear.

    Something about the way you don’t put up with my self-pity.

    Something about the way you pull me back from the edge, without even realizing it.

    Something about the way you want to see the world, but are happy anyway if you don’t.

    Something about the way you’re ambitious.

    Something about the way you don’t care about material things.

    Something about the way you tried not to wake me up that time you thought I was asleep.

    Something about the way you tell me stories about your childhood, which was so different from mine.

    Something about the way you always insist that I’m fun to talk to, even if I don’t believe you.

    Something about the way you’re not a typical “guy guy”.

    Something about the way you genuinely sounded torn up when I told you about what I’ve been through.

    Something about the way you hugged me really gentle.

    Something about the way you told me you liked my hair, even though I dyed it horribly.

    Something about the way you like trees.

    Something about the way you always tell me you care about me.

    And yet… something about you breaks my heart.