So I hear that you shuffled around waiting for me. Waiting for me to show up and say goodbye. To say goodbye to you, my friends, and everyone. To leave forever from that place. But I would see you after the summer, at the new place. Where we could maybe still be. But what you don’t know Larkin, is that I wrote a letter. I wrote a letter to you, containing all my feelings for you. Everything I said was there. It burned in my pocket, a lot of people read it. And edited it, and helped it out. But in the end, I deleted all they wrote and made it mine again. Because really, I just want you to love me the way I love you. I wanted to give that letter to you, but I was afraid of how you would react. I don’t know why I was so fucking stupid, I was going to be gone for a whole month. Another country, away from everyone. But I was a stupid fuck. I should’ve given it to you, but didn’t. But I can’t change the past, but I can control my future. So Larkin, I want something more with you. I do, but I don’t know how you feel. So please, show me, tell me, kiss me, hold me. Because I’ve never felt this way, and I can never forget you. I don’t want you to be a “what-if” I want you to be a love.
this time last year, you had just left from school and i was thinking about you every day.
this time this year, I don’t give a hoot. I wasted waaay too much of my time on you, but it feels immensely great to be able to admit that to myself. hello, YOU were the scaredy cat. YOU screwed up. and it sucked that I was the one getting hurt, but I’ve been done with that for a while. and it sucks that I’ve lost you as a friend, cause you were a good friend, when you weren’t being such a SHAMELESS flirt at 3 in the morning. I’m sorry to burst your bubble or whatever, but you don’t talk to someone who’s just a “friend” in that manner. but whatever, your loss.
and it’s totally awesome being prettier than your new girlfriend.
I’m not sure if I will ever have the courage to give you this letter, or allow you to read it. Maybe one day, I will work up the strength to. The point of this letter, is to share with you what I’m feeling and have been feeling. I don’t think you even understand the half of it. If I ever do let you read this, it’s not meant to be a way of making you come back to me. The purpose of showing you would be to let loose what I’ve been holding in for the past 6 months with the small hope that I could have the power to change your mind. It’s honestly too much for me to carry anymore. I’m afraid if I don’t let you know, I may loose you. I’m also afraid if I ever end up showing this to you, I may scare you away. But at this point, I don’t know what else to do. This seems like my last sign of hope. So here it goes.
You truly are an amazing guy. I don’t know if you know that. I have liked you for about a year and a half now. Yup, that’s a long time. And I really only had you for 7 months of that. The other time has been me waiting and hoping for a miracle of some sort. You probably think I’m obsessed with you or something, and that’s the last thing I want you to think. When I recently told you that I liked you again. I lied. I don’t just kinda sorta have feelings for you again. I STILL have strong feelings for you. And they have been haunting me for the 6 months since we have ended our relationship. When I liked Jake for a while there, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And how badly I just wanted to be back with you. When you would talk to me, the feelings inside of me would come bursting back up. I did like Jake, but not nearly as much as I continued to like you. Maybe he was my way of trying my best to push the past behind me, and move on. But it didn’t work for me. You remained in my head and as hard as I tried I couldn’t get you out of it.
i wish i could tell you how i really felt..but i can’t. it sucks a lot. but i guess this is how it’s going to be until we start talking again. i hate not being able to talk to you about things, and not being with you at all times. i really hope we start talking again. i need you. i miss you. a lot. please come back.
I look forward to the days you come over more than I probably should, probably more than half of how much you look forward to it. I’m sure if you were reading this right now, sitting next to me with your fingers laced with mine as you often tend to do, you would vehemently disagree. You would reassure me that there’s a place for me in your heart, that I am special, that I am always the one who is there for you when no one else was, is, or will be.
However, it falls on me to reassure YOU sometimes, when you look at me with those blue eyes of yours and ask me if I’m ok. Laying in bed, kissing each other softly, your hands wandering while the only purpose for mine is to stop yours when they go too far; how could I not be ok? Usually a “Yes, I’m ok” does the trick. But you always give me that look, the look that makes me wonder just how much you take my words at face value. You have never challenged my words, but I can see in your eyes that you doubt them.
Rightly so, too. How could you NOT doubt them? How could you not be aware that my feelings for your tend to eat me up inside? There’s just no way for you not to know that. There’s no way you can’t know that I would do ANYTHING to have a chance at the joy of calling you mine, because I have always been yours, whether you claim me or not.
Whilst the piece of paper doesn’t make THAT much difference (I know I have been married before) and the ring is nice, but not essential.
I once again long to be someone’s wife. To know that, that person is committed to you enough to want to spend the rest of their life with you.
You can have commitment without the title, I understand that, but it’s the underlying notion that drives a person to be married to another which I long for again.
I hope I find that person.