Because you make me want to try. For four years, I haven’t done much with my life and just spending time with you makes me want to be a better person.
Because we can rip on each other constantly. You always make me smile and I love to make you smile.
Because even though you’re new it, dancing with you is a blast.
Because you want to get out of here as much as I do. I want to see the world and I can’t imagine anything better than seeing it with you.
Because I see a lot of depth in you. When told me about when you heard that woman who was hurt, I saw a concern and worry in your eyes that struck me.
Because I thought that even though I knew you would turn me down, I had the slightest hope you’d give it a shot and maybe I could have proven to you that I’m a lot more than a burn-out.
You were the love of my life, I wish that when we ran away that weekend to elope that we would have followed through. This year was the hardest year of my life with all the things you put me through, but in the end I know that if you ever needed me I would be there, anytime, anyplace, and for any reason. You will always be my best friend and I will always know you more than anyone in the world and you will always know more of my secrets than I am willing to let on.
I love you. Always have, always will.
-We had a love to be jealous of. I learned so much from you. You will always hold my heart. When you secretly sneak away and call me… my heart still flutters.
I’m so irritated. We’ve been trying to make “this” happen the entire Summer, and now it’s finally starting and it’s like you’re trying to prevent it. I’m just really mad right now. I’ve already realized that you are the prettier one of the two of us… and I’m sure that you are aware of that as well, but I just want this ONE thing to happen to ME for once. Why are you trying to take it away? You can have every other guy you want, but the ONLY one that would ever want me, ever, you won’t stop talking to. I don’t understand. I truly feel like that is one of the worst things you could to your best friend. I already know that you flirt with pretty much every guy you talk to but I never let it bother me because it’s none of my business. I’m just horribly confused as to why you would do this? I’ve told you how interested I was in him for as long as I can remember. It makes no sense to me. Then you had the nerve to ask me why I was “being quiet” tonight, are you kidding me? Maybe it’s because I couldn’t even get a word in. Maybe I’m over exaggerating, but I’m really mad. I will never, ever tell you this to your face because… well, I don’t know why, but I wouldn’t. I just wish you knew how to retain yourself a little. I mean, I would NEVER do this to you. Just let me have one guy, please. But now that I think of it, maybe you guys have more in common anyways… but if I tell you this you’ll get all mad and say that I’m “pushing my feelings on you”, so I won’t. I just want to be alone forever. Is that bad?
I’m afraid that I’m broken. That I don’t believe in true love, and that I never will. I can’t remember the last time my parents told me they loved me. At least 10 years, most likely.
I have had so many relationships. If I count honestly, 10. And I’m 20. Granted, only 6 were actual relationships. After the second one was over, I think I lost all faith in love. You dumped me in a text message while I was asleep after dating for a year and a half. What kind of person DOES that? I can act crazy at times, but you knew I loved you.
I don’t know why, but there’s only one relationship that I actually didn’t just lose interest in.
Why do I stay in relationships months after I know they’re going nowhere?? Is it because I need someone to love me? Because I only feel worthy of someone when they’re physically attracted to me? I hate my body. My thighs are huge, my stomach sticks out, and my legs look weird. I don’t believe someone when they tell me I’m beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, whatever.
We were listening to dashboard on your couch.
We went to fantasty fest and recieved a speeding ticket in my car.
Too bad the speedometer didn’t hold a candle to how fast my heart was racing. That would have been an interesting mark on my driving record.
I was dressed a princess, and you were defined a joker.
You were my everything.
We stayed awake for hours, counting similarities.
I remember how my head spun when you, you drew your body close to me.
Is it warmer in the midwest? Do you ever miss the sun?
The eastern coast misses your eyes, and how they were always where they needed to be, and how they kept me warm.
I wonder if you ever listen to your songs. They probally meant nothing to you, even though they took me months to write.
My voice was never pure enough to make you stay the night.
Do you ever listen when you’re alone late at night?
Do you ever think about me?
The thoughts of you keep me company and hold me the way I wished you still did.
I can still smell you, and wish that you were here.
This winter is going to be a cold one. Especially for me.
I don’t have my safety blanket of love and security.
You’ll never fully realize the thoughts inside my head. I’m sure I’ll bury them with me the moment I am dead.
Last Thursday night was all fireworks and vegetarian diners and perfect, perfect music. You exploded into my life and I’m still waiting to catch my breath. It’s college, sort of, and it finally feels like I have friends who love me. You most of all. You give great hugs and insist on paying and you call me beautiful like no one has. Not even her, not even then. This isn’t love, it’s something, somehow better. It’s almost December; singing horchata at 1:00 in the morning and I can’t let that slip away.
But it’s not Thursday anymore, and she is screaming and she hates me for having had such a good night with you, and she says I’m replacing her and she wishes I had never gone to that concert. She tells me how much I’ve changed, how much I’ve hurt her. How I don’t care about her anymore. I wish it wasn’t true.
I want to text you, I want to tell you how long I’ve cried, I want to tell you how much it all meant to me. But I’m scared that I’ll scare you away. I’m scared that you’ll realize how damaged I am, I’m scared that there will never be another Thursday night. You don’t know me that well yet, but I hope you stick around.
Maybe someday she’ll be shouting up through cracks in the pavement. Maybe someday she’ll let me go. Or maybe you’ll just hug me again, and maybe that will be okay too. I’ve never clicked with anyone the way I’ve clicked with you, silly boy. If only things were different.