but I love you for all your wonderful-ness. you are the yin to my yang, the spark that starts my car running, the song that sings me to sleep, the hot chocolate that keeps me warm on a cold morning.
you are the acoustic song that makes me sway, the scribbled heart in chalk in the middle of the road, the sun glaring off the lake at sunset.
In my dreams, I try to cry but I can’t. I’m caught somewhere between still loving you and building a new life. I feel the emotions that lie just under the surface wanting to erupt, but instead I wake up.
I keep telling myself, “Keep pushing, keep going, keep trying, keep seeking”. For the most part, I do. But there are times when I wonder what really happened. Could a head injury change someone that much? Could we be very in love for 22 years only to have it dashed by some freak accident?
It became all about you. Your fears, deillusions, paranoia…I had no say. All I had and have was control over myself. So in an effort to seize this control, I let go of you. I let go of your abuse, your mindgames, your ego. But, I always prayed that you would have a wonderful life…whoever it is that you’ve become.
May God Bless you and keep you.
I want therapy. I want to see a psychiatrist and get help. I cut. I’m an on and off again anorexic and lately I think I’m starting to be bulimic. I’m depressed. I have panic attacks. But you can’t see any of this.
You just think I’m some little whiny unappreciative bitch who doesn’t know how to buck up and live life. Please just open your eyes and see that I’m slowly dying on the inside. I don’t know how to go on much longer.
Please just listen for once. I want to tell you all of this so badly, but I know you won’t take
it well. You’ll start yelling and tell me “well just stop okay Rachel? I don’t want people to find out about this.” Because that’s what you always say.
You’re so damn worried about what other people think.
Please just make me feel comfortable enough to tell you all of this. I know I need help. I want help, even if I don’t want to stop cutting. I know that I need to if I ever want to be happy. And I want to be happy so badly. Please let me be happy.
Listen to me. I don’t know how to tell you.
I told you I stopped loving you years ago. I lied. I still love you and I will always love you.
I can’t believe we’re getting a divorce. 6 years of my life gone. Just because I was stupid and didn’t realize how good I had it with you.
I will miss our lives together and I will never forgive myself for messing it up.
Tonight will make me think of the one thing I want to change about myself. The one thing that I don’t tell anyone. Except for you. Except for the person who I trusted, when I told myself to trust no one.
I hate you for making me tell you. Part of me wanted to, but I knew it would end up like this. My deepest, darkest secret is out. Who knows who you told.
It’s also worse now. You made it better, but it’s worse that it was in the beginning. You’ve confirmed my suspicions. I fear there’s no stopping it now.
I used to have you. I wanted to change, and I wanted help. You told me that you would be my light, no matter what. Even if we weren’t together. That was a lie. Just like most things you told me. Just like I do, to everyone I talk to.
Oh how I wish I could have coffee with a friend.
Even if it were for five minutes or ten.
To chat and smile, laugh for a while.
Oh to have coffee with a friend.