• I’m not allowed to love you

    by  • October 4, 2010 • 0 Comments

    We met last September, and I thought you were joyous. I should have asked you out then and there, but I was petulant and immature. I’m glad I didn’t ask you, because we would not have worked out well.

    You slept with my friends and we joke constantly about it. You are my closest friend in almost every aspect, except the little voice inside of me that screams to tell you I want you like I’ve never wanted anyone else.

    You’ve made it clear you have no interest in me physically. I say the same thing about you. Being totally honest, you are the only woman to ever fully interest me sexually and mentally. I can never say any of this because I don’t want to risk how you have helped me grow into a better man.

    Since I can say it here, I will: I will always love you more than I can love anyone else. You are absolute perfection. Thank you for being in my life.

    It could or should have been me.

    by  • October 4, 2010 • 0 Comments

    Dear You,

    I never know what phrase I should use when I think about us. “It could have been me” or “it should have been me.”

    It some extent, I’m glad you chose her. She needed you. She makes you happy.

    But to an even greater extent, I’m not. And what makes this worse is, she’s my best friend. And so are you.

    And what I really hate is that when I introduced you guys, it’s because I wanted her opinion on whether or not I should date you. It was stupid, of course, I should have just gone for it. But I thought it was the best course of action at the time.

    Now I’ll never know what might have been.

    And I’m not sure if I’ll ever know whether it should be “It could have been me” or “It should have been me”. And I hate not knowing.

    And I hate myself for wanting you.

    The one it could have been.


    by  • October 4, 2010 • 0 Comments


    In a matter of a few months, you have truly became one of my best friends. I have completely spilled my heart to you and you have done the same. I like you a lot M. I am falling with, yet again, another best friend. You would think that this would be easy for me to admit to you, but it really isn’t.

    One, you live five hours away now because of school. I have always tried avoiding long distance. Those are the hardest relationships. If we did date, we would rarely see each other, and that would cause a strain on the relationship.

    Two, you are indeed bi-sexual. You openly admitted to me that you have done sexual things with the same sex. You want to try a real relationship with the same sex. I truly support you with that, but that makes me wonder if you have anything for me.

    Three, my best friend is in love with you and my close friend dated you. I would be risking a lot if I dated you. I watched both of them crumble because of you. I don’t know if I can be on that list too.

    Four, I might just like you for the attention you have given me. Since the moment you and I became friends, we constantly flirted with each other. Even in front of your girlfriend (at the time.) If I tell you, will that stop? Will you stop being yourself because you know how I feel?

    But looking at all these issues, I am more scared that you will not return the feelings and I am left looking like an idiot once again. I really don’t know if I can handle that again. I lost my other best guy friend because I fell in love with him and he never saw me the same way. I can’t lose you like I lost him. You are more important to me than he will ever be.

    I think you already know how I feel about you but you want me to admit it when I am ready. But what do I do if you tell me that you want to be just friends? My heart can’t take another rejection. I am so scared that I don’t even know if I am even going to bother admitting how I feel. It will completely change this friendship forever. We will never be how we are right now, and I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing yet.

    This is so difficult and I really don’t know what to do or feel anymore. I just want to be happy and make you happy.

    I pray this isn’t another mistake when I get the courage to admit my feelings. I really hope you feel the same way!


    Why Can’t I Tell You

    by  • October 4, 2010 • 0 Comments

    To the girl who meant so much to me for so long and the girl who I am falling for.

    (Part 1) For 8 months of my life you meant the world to me. I tried to spend every waking moment with you just so I could see your smile. I still remember the nights you asked me to sit by your bed so that you could get to sleep, even though I was bored and uncomfortable, I did it because I cared.

    All those times I went to places with you that I had no interest in just because I knew you loved being there with me. Although I told you I had fun at those places, I only had fun being with you and holding your hand for the whole day while watching you enjoy yourself.

    The whole time I was with you I gave everything I possibly could to make it work, but it seems it was not enough. Although I told you I loved you every single day, it was not enough to keep you from getting jealous of my other friend (A girl). Little did you know that if it wasn’t for her telling me to give you a chance, I would have not spoken to you for as long as I did.



    by  • October 4, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I fell for you. I fell hard and fast, like I never thought would be possible again. You put me back together without even trying. You gave me a reason to love. A reason to feel. A reason to believe. I still can’t explain what it was about you. Maybe it was the red hair. Or your strength in every meaning of the word. It simply could have been your love for God and how I could see Him in everything you did. Whatever it was, I loved you. Everything about you. The way you held me and kissed me. The way we could talk for hours about heaven and the stars. I loved the way you thought. So creative. I loved your bedtime stories and everything you ever wrote. The way you played piano or picked me up like it was nothing. I’ll never forget the way it felt the night you ended it. I was so in love. So in love alone. We were only together for a short time but I still haven’t stopped dreaming about you. I still miss you. I still love you. And you never even knew..


    by  • October 4, 2010 • 0 Comments

    You keep saying you want something more. Something more than what you have. You’re laying in your bed, smoking Newports, drinking cheap alcohol, and talking to me on the phone while I’m sitting on the back deck, smoking Newports, and staring up towards the dark night sky. You keep saying you want something more. More than what? You’re going on and on about how each morning you wake wanting the sun brighter or the grass greener. Or maybe just to hear things a little clearer. You’re not asking for a lot. Each night has been ending later than the last and each morning starting earlier than the one before. You wake up tired, go to sleep awake, and everything in between the hours you lay in bed are never remembered, or you’re consciously trying not to remember because they just remind you that you’re wanting something more. Something more than broken hearts and new addictions.

    You’re telling me that you can’t truly remember the last time you felt more than less content with your life while I’m counting the stars in the sky, taking long drags, and memorizing every word you’re saying. You don’t even want to be happy, you just want to feel something real. The things you’re not saying or can’t find the words to say I’m writing down for you now. You’re lonely even in crowded rooms, you’re feeling disconnected even from you’re closest friends. And each day when you get up, and look out your window from your bed, you try to figure out what’s wrong. Or not even what’s wrong, just how to fix things and make them better. I wish I could give you the answers and I wish I could make you happy. We’re miles away but it seems like forever and the words I say can only make you feel worse. I know how you feel and I feel the same. I remember when you told me you loved and I remember when I realized you no longer loved me. And when I realized I’d always need you.

    You keep saying you want something more from this life but instead of trying to get it you just keep talking about it. I wish I could tell you to just walk from me. Stop calling me when you can’t sleep, stop coming over when you don’t want to try to be like everyone else anymore. You need something more than this life; you keep saying you want it but you’re doing nothing to get it. If you want to know the truth the only way you’ll get something more is if you break away from what’s bringing you down. They say in order to be happy you must first be sad. But you don’t want to be happy and you refuse to admit you’re sad. Each night you call me, drinking your cheap alcohol, me staring restlessly at the stars, something small changed in both of us. I don’t know if you can feel but I’m trying not to. I never wanted to use the word depression because it would be admitting defeat to some unknown but we’re both in a place we can’t recover from together. I remember when you stopped being in love with me. I remember the day, it was when I realized I needed you. It was when you realized you needed me in your life to feel at least okay. Maybe it was just having someone to relate to that made you feel that way. But maybe absent from each other’s lives we feel good again.