• Why do I think about you?

    by  • April 22, 2010 • 1 Comment

    We were really close for a couple of months…not a really significant relationship time-wise, and yet I still think of you everyday.

    People say that someone is in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, and I guess its true…you were in my life for a specific reason…to make me feel much better about myself and to show me that I can be admired…that I can be cared for.

    You made me feel better about myself, but then you were gone…you sunk into oblivion and I didn’t hear from you again.

    I still think about you every day for whatever reason…I can still hear your voice as you are telling me things that don’t matter…as we giggle about stupid things…as I dream about holding you.

    Why are you living in my memory?

    CONFUSION

    by  • April 22, 2010 • 1 Comment

    If I needed you, would you be there?
    If I called, would you talk to me?
    If I came to you, would you find it appalling?
    If I knocked at your door, would you let me in?
    If I wanted you, would you have me?
    If I said no strings attached, would you consider it?
    If I said goodbye, would you be happy?

    When I say I need you, do you need me?
    When I say I want to hear your voice, do you want to call?
    When I say I could be there, do you wish I would be?
    When I say I am here, do you pretend you aren’t home?
    When I say I want you, do you not want me?
    When I say I only need a day, do you think about it?
    When I say I am done, do you sigh with relief?

    Where are you when I need you?
    Where are you when I want you to call me?
    Where are you when I see traveling in my future?
    Where are you when I knock at the door?
    Where are you when I give myself to you?
    Where are you when I want nothing more?
    Where are you when I leave?

    Why do I need you?
    Why do I want to hear you?
    Why do I want to run to you?
    Why do I see myself there?
    Why do I want what I’ve had?
    Why do I not care about my actions?
    Why do I have such a hard time letting go?

    How did I come to need you?
    How did I come to want your sound?
    How did I come to need to be there?
    How did I come to envision myself there?
    How did I come to want you to want me again?
    How did I come to have no morals?
    How did I come to be this person again?

    to thine own self be true

    by  • April 22, 2010 • 2 Comments

    dear B-
    you basically don’t deserve to have any part of my time. you have done nothing but create holes inside my self esteem. for you have done nothing but tear who I have chosen to become down into nothing but shreds. what housing understand is that you never knew me and never will know me and what I stand for and will continue to stand for.

    I cut you off I deleted the images of our friendship that once stood. and to be honest I don’t feel any ounce of guilt for dropping it all. the hints you have chosen to say to me are not fair. I have never been so happy with the friends I have surrounded myself with. you can say I’ve changed for the worse but you never took the sweet precious time to know the real story. I have morals and I continue to stand by them. I am not the “sorority slut” you have recently labeled me.

    I will not let you weigh me down wih your negativity and cruel sarcasm. I have better relationships that need to be mended and better friends to tend to. your opinion has become nothing but a whisper in the wind only strong enough to move the hair off my shoulders. I’m strong and independent willing to make it on my own without you. I don’t deserve to hear your cruel cries of opinions when i never did anything to deserve such a response. go tear another girl’s world apart. you’ve made me cry you’ve made me yell and you’ve made me realize how happy I am without you.

    to thine own self I will be true because i am everything I should be without you.

    Acceptance – Please?

    by  • April 21, 2010 • 1 Comment

    Mom-

    Ever since you were diagnosed with a brain tumor and had a successful surgery you have been different. Now don’t get me wrong, messing with the brain is a big deal and I knew that you would change but this is too much.

    I want my caring mother who always wanted to hold my hand, or give me
    hugs, and encouraged me every day. But instead I have a critical, selfish mother who reminds me every day how imperfect i really am.

    I know you just want to help and are worried about me, but your blunt comments about my looks are not appreciated. To be honest, you make me feel like complete shit. I fear that I will never look pretty enough or skinny enough for you and that scares me.

    I know I always told you I didn’t care what you thought but the truth is – I DO CARE. Your opinion means everything to me and it is tearing me apart.

    Why can’t you just love me for me?

    To the Person Who Hurts Me Most

    by  • April 21, 2010 • 0 Comments

    I like having you in my life and that is why I know I could never actually say these things to your face. But I want you to be more apart of my life then you are at this time…that you ever have been. Caring for you is eating me up from the inside out and I’m finding it harder and harder to deal with the pressure of these things. I know I should just tell you goodbye…but before I do there’s so many things I really want to tell you.

    I don’t think she loves you, you know your wife. You say so yourself that you have to fight for her attention and that all you do when you guys are together is fight, and she doesn’t have sex with you because as you have told me before, “touching you is making me sick.” She doesn’t deserve you and all the amazing things I know you do for her. And now suddenly you avoid being around me because things are finally going well for you with her?

    It’s not fair to me. You tell me you care for me and yet I’m not seeing it. I’m not feeling it. Maybe she does deserve you, and you deserve her crap. You’ll never, and I’ll stake my life on this, you’ll never be as happy with her as you have been and still could be with me. But lets just hope that by the time you realize it, I’ll already be gone and over you so you can feel some of the pain you have been putting me through for a couple of months now.

    You have my heart for now but lets hope it doesn’t last much longer.

    Acceptance of Sexual Assault

    by  • April 21, 2010 • 2 Comments

    Dear You,

    Sometimes it’s better to stay up all night, to load up on caffeine to make it through the day. It’s worse when I fall asleep.  I wish the nightmares would come to you, instead of me. You are the one who caused it, anyway. I trusted you. That’s what little girls that age do. They can’t comprehend “lies”. Innocence is a one-time deal, you can never get it back. And a child without her innocence, well, that’s just a recipe for disaster.

    And that’s what happened to me. I let you invade my dreams, I let you be the reason I had to numb myself from the pain, instead of face it head-on and get through it. You were my excuse for many years. And when I came to this realization after clearing my head and getting sober, I hated you even more for indirectly putting me through the longest, most hellish 14 years of my still very young life. It has taken me time, an innumerable amount of tissues, and lots of therapy sessions to learn that I can’t hate you. By hating you, I am still trapped by you. I was letting you rule my life, caged by your impressionable, dispicable actions. Some days I still have a hard time; some days I still want to hate you; some days I hate myself for forgiving you. But I do forgive you. I have come to see that you are a sick person, even sicker than me. There is no hope for you that I can see, but you should never stop seeking help. I don’t know where you are now, I don’t know if you’re dead or alive, but this is my letter to you, to let you know that I am no longer your prisoner. I have accepted, and therefore I have escaped.