• Im ready

    by  • July 6, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    Antoinette,

    Ill be direct, because, well, honestly, Im growing very tired of all this. You know Ive never lied to you, perhaps a fault of mine, and even if I wanted to, I have no doubt you’d figure out my deception quickly. So when I say youre losing me, I want you to understand that I really mean that. And also, that Im telling you this because I dont want things to end like this. Not that anything ever really began, but thats kinda the point I guess. It is funny though, maybe, because I always assumed the only way I could fall out of love with you was if I met someone even more amazing than you, if thats even possible. But I havent met anyone. Ive been on, idk maybe 4 dates since I met you, so obviously I havent really been trying. (And one of those was just to spite someone I really hate….surprise surprise you were involved in the dissipation of that friendship as well, but this time it wasnt your fault.) If you lose me, it will be your fault. And we’re really close to that point.

    I dont know what you think I deserve. One of your famous lines was “you’re entitled to nothing”, so my guess is not much. But as a human being, one who’s trying really, really hard to not hate myself constantly, I deserve respect if nothing else. And hey, for the first time in the nearly six years Ive known you, you didnt troll the shit out of me the entire month of June, so maybe some….progress. (See what I did there? Triple entendre? Quadruple? I dont even know, I just impress the hell out of myself so much some times.) But for what I wanted you to be, what I was interested in all along, making you my wife, theres a higher standard in terms of what I expect out of you. Right now, youre probably thinking, ‘well, I get to decide who I want my spouse to be, if I even want one, and you dont get to just have me without indisputably proving to me that you are the person with whom I want to spend my life.’ Valid point, and excellent articulation of your thoughts I might say. And while I might be tempted to argue that over the course of the last five plus years I have done so, and that if I havent nobody ever will, the more important point is that I AM entitled to the exact same. I dont just have to be with you because you love me, if you do or ever did. And believe me, Im glad about that, because the way things have been, Im really struggling to see how a real relationship with you would make me happy or fulfill me in the long term. I think things would be exactly as they are now, except we would actually talk to each other. (Who knows, maybe that would make the difference though? Has anyone ever hypothesized that communication is beneficial to a healthy relationship?) Maybe none of this changes your mind at all, maybe Im just talking to a brick wall like Ive felt Ive been doing all these years. But if youre not going to recognize my place and identity in all this, then I still will.

    Even if I were just considering whether or not you were someone I wanted to be my girlfriend, although as Ive explained numerous times, I actually consider you as much more, there are a number of things I would be looking for, boxes you dont really check and never have really tried to, at least from my vantage point. I think the easiest way to explain it would be just to say that all the things I think you want from me, affection, attention, consideration (like doing this list in alphabetical order for the OCD among us), love, and protection, to name some, I want them from you too, but I dont get any of it, not anymore, not the way I want or need it. And while were at it, theres another big one too: sex. Based on what you’ve told me (I think) it seems like its more important to me. And thats ok. Because the truth is I think that sex is always more important to men than it is to women. Not because men want or need it any more than women, but because a man’s social identity is so heavily tied to his sexual interactions. Theres never been a man in this world who just crushed the pussy left and right who didnt even secretly have the admiration of ever other man who knew him. But if your not having sex, ever, like me, noone is applauding my manhood for not being all that interested in casual sex or for waiting for the woman I love. I cant even fall back on the whole ‘Im saving myself for my wife because thats what Jesus wants’ shtick, because even I am not that full of shit. No, if youre a man and youre not having sex, its for one reason only as far anyone will care: because you cant. And people, mostly other men, but women too, will treat you differently. Im not expecting you to just understand and appreciate the modern male identity, but please trust me that I know what Im talking about. Think back to your high school crushes. I imagine you were into the whole boy band craze like every other girl I knew growing up. How much ass do you think even guys like Kevin and Brian from the Backstreet Boys got back in the day, and still probably do? (You know, the guys noone ever cared about 😛 ) Perception means alot, thats what Im trying to say. But more than that, one of the big things Im looking for in a partner is someone who appreciates my sexual needs, not just because of the perception issue just discussed, but even more importantly, because Im really, really horny….all the time. Im not asking for nudes, but it would nice if you would do something sexy. Like, I remember this one time, you knew I was mad at you, and so you wore that red bra to get my attention. Maybe you dont remember that, but I do, and I knew immediately it was for me, because you made sure your bra straps were visible that night, which you never do. That really turned me on baby. Your red bra matching your fingernails, even though I was trying to ignore you, all I could think about was taking you in front of all those people, whether you wanted it or not. But I dont want you to think it was just that bra. That bra, and its visible straps meant nothing to anyone else in that room. But the fact you were doing it just for me meant everything to me.

    (Hard transition….more puns)

    Look, I know Im not an easy person to love. Even the people that have to really stuggle with it. Theres a real darkness in me that I have trouble controlling when it manifests. But I know theres a lot of goodness too. Maybe not as much as there used to be, like when we met. You are responsible for driving some of it out of me. Because, you know, this is my idea of a relationship: Two people treat each other with love and respect because it genuinely makes them happy to make their partner happy. It has never been that way between us. Thats on you. And Ive thought of every possible reason you could have for not finally embarking on this journey with em, and all Im left with is that this is mostly about your pride. The stories you can tell to your mom and girlfriends. How you were swept off your feet by the prince who awoke from your childhood stories. All I can say is that, besides the fact at least one of those princes was named after me, you need to grow up. Because true love has been staring you in the face for years, and desperately trying to reconnect with you, but its just not good enough for you, is it?

    And thats fine. You’re free to be with whomever you want, and if you really dont want me, theres nothing I can do at this point to change that and I wouldnt even try. If thats the case, then I wish you well in life because I really do care about you. But I need to stop wasting my time, and I need you to stop doing the same. I know you like the attention, who wouldnt? But if youre mature and brave enough to compromise yourself (while Im doing the same) for the benefit of the US (as in you and me, but also 4th of July entendre) I think WE will both be rewarded with a greater life that we ever imagined.

    But….

    Ive been saying these words to you in one form or another for so many years now, and nothing has ever changed. I lose more and more hope every day that we will be together. I have like 1% hope left. Im done writing letters here. Im done trying to reach out to you when you have proven, like several dozen times, that you will never, ever respond to me. Look, I dont know much about this relationship stuff. I dont even know if youve ever actually cared about me, because you sure as hell have never said as much, at least not in a way I can actually interpret. But what I do know is that this is not real, and it never has been. Real is looking your partner in the eyes when you tell them you love them. Real is about physical intercourse. Real is not about manipulation or control. Real is not about you and its not about me. Its only about US, and nothing else. I know I still want this, but Ive basically lost all faith because of your lack of any kind of direct contact with me. My life is changing, really fast. Im finally in a position where concerns like ‘but I cant even afford to buy her a cup of coffee’ no longer apply. In short:

    Are you?

    Eric

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