I was told I gave off a big sister vibe, as I brushed men’s hands away from my sister’s passing through crowds of drunken 21 yr old “kids” and raised a suspicious brow to any man gawking in my direction, literally telling a young man to keep his hand’s to himself like he was a grade school child in my class when he smacked my ass in front of his girlfriend in a perverse drunken game. The hormones were pungent as men licked their lips at women passing, their cologne a miasma of pheromones. Men repeatedly getting rejected, women continuing to temp them. All I could do is get drunk enough to endure, and wait long enough for my sister’s to get bored.
I realized I had never been part of this game. You and I have had our share of hiccups during these six years, but we were tempted by deeply rooted confusion and compassion, attachment issues and feelings of guilt. At moments I have longed for an easier relationship, a more “soulmate” relationship, less of a “we’d better work on that issue” type, if such a thing ever existed. It has never been a mere sexual desire to go jump on some random I met in a drunken stupor. In fact, given what has happened in the past, it’s now one of my worst nightmares.
That night, I missed you the way I did each time we broke up, the way I did when you went to school, the way I did when we fought. I remember going to my MRs house every night, texting JD and planning on moving to NM and then calling you, to remind you of how horrible I am and to stay away. But you knew that I wasn’t happy with that life. I realized how much we have been through, how hard we have worked for this, and how true and pure our love is in this moment of our lives. This love isnt something that came naturally. Maybe this love won’t last forever. But we fought hard, we worked and built ourselves from the skeleton of hopelessness into the single most compassionate, open minded, and loving relationship that I know of.
You accept the errors in my chemistry, the cracks in my moral fortitude, my lack of self preserving dishonesty. I create chaos in my head and in our life, my emotions flying like shrapnel in a tornado, and you, you somehow persevere through all my storms. I feel defeated in an argument just by looking at you. You have all of me.