Yes, you have fed me and you have clothed me. You have taught me respect and honesty but I can’t do this anymore. My life is going out of control and I blame you for what I have become today.
You’ve told the stories over and over again, and every time you both laugh and tell me “man you were such a tough kid!”. No. I wasn’t tough at all. The memories of my older siblings shoving me and bullying me still live on inside to this day. Their banter and mockery of the skin color I was born with still cut deep inside me. Every now and then they’ll hum the tunes of the songs they made up about me being adopted and it makes my stomach turn. It’s funny though right? We all laugh about it and once again you tell me “you didn’t even care about them teasing you! tough kid”.
Painful memories have made me struggle with my self image and self worth and to this day I still absolutely hate looking at whatever’s left of my childhood photos. Yes it was me, I burnt all the photos I could get my hands on. You allowed them to abuse me and mentally torment me and now I have to pay the price.
Your relationship with each other is toxic. I can honestly say that I don’t remember and have never seen you genuinely in love or even happy with each other. You constantly fight. You constantly argue. You constantly slam doors. Thirty something years of marriage have taught you nothing. Intimacy is unknown to me because my understanding of what a relationship looks like is absolutely distorted.
Our lives and our family look perfect to the outside world. They look up to you and envy your marriage and everything you have. You’ve taught us to always put a mask on in front of the outside world. Always pretend like we’re happy. Seeing you two switch from loving couple in front of people to absolute abuse once they leave has unconsciously taught me to play the mask game. To this day I struggle to take my mask off. Even in front of you.
I’m almost thirty years old and I don’t know who I am. I constantly put on faces to please ignorant men and people around me, including both of you. To fake my happiness and to play the part that I think I was given. I’ve lost touch with feelings and emotions and only numbness fills my being. I remember as a child I used to tell myself that once I’m all grown up I would escape it all. The more I grew the more I struggled in silence and the more your mistakes have crept in and manifested into my life.
I blame you for a lot of things and I blame myself for shackling my mind in guilt and hurt. The world might be fooled by the illusion of an empire, but in reality the only thing you’ve built is a house of cards.
I hope that one day you’ll break free from the madness. Till then, I will guard from you what I have left of myself with the mask that you have taught me to wear.
your loving daughter