• You don’t exist, but this is my wish.

    by  • June 14, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, Wish • 3 Comments

    If I could be honest with myself, what I want in a soulmate, I swear to God that I am asking for something that does not exist. I doubt you exist. I have contented myself with as close as I can get and sometimes I suffer for that. So today I write to you, telling the world what I want from you, what I like. What I want someone to have in common with me. What I need in a person. All truth, the good and the bad. I am here, I am alive. I am looking hopelessly for you, the love of my life.

    My name is Emily. I am 22 years old. I live in a state that I hate. I love art and music, and I’m too eclectic for my own good. I need you to know, SM (I’m going to call you that for short.) that I am complicated and really hard to love. I am neurotic and panicky and I deal with this anxiety that changes me slowly over time, and I sometimes let it take away core pieces of who I am. I blame the place I’m in for that too. Because normally I pride myself (I’m big on pride) in being carefree and happy go lucky. SM, I don’t want to hide anything from you, out of fear of rejection so I have to lay it all out for you now. I have depression. The kind that can just suck the life out of me on days where the sun is shining brightest and you just won’t possibly be able to understand and I need you to know that that’s okay. It may seem as if I’m lashing out at you or I’m punishing you but I need you to recognize the signs because I promise you that once the cloud that hangs heavy over my head lifts, I will seek you out for comfort and it may not be on your own time and it may not be clear to you my intentions because I don’t always express emotions or communicate easily but know that I am seeking you of all people to just be there for me.

    If I had to list things I’d hope to have in common with you, it would be the desire to travel. I live on wanderlust. I want to see the world, travel like a nomad, be free. I need freedom and the choice to pick up and go when the time feels right. I hope one day to build a school bus and turn it into a tiny home that I can take with me wherever I please and not think twice about it. I want the journey of a lifetime with the love of my life. I have real plans to let the gypsy soul of mine finally be one with the earth and see all of her pleasures and wonders.

    I’d hope that you love animals. And not just ‘yeah, I adore the thought of a dog.’ More like, I want to freefly our birds together over the salt flats and Moab deserts in Utah or hike with our dog and free roaming cat. (You know they can do anything a dog can, right? Walk on a leash, walk by your side. Smart creatures.) Or cuddle with our ball python because she is adorable. I want to live in awe of the creatures around me. Have that same rush that you’ll get when your macaw masters a hard flight session. Praise the creatures that love us indiscriminately. I don’t just hope that you love them. I hope that they are an integral part of your world. Because they are mine.

    I’d hope that you’d want to save the world, with a heart bigger than your body can handle. Kind of like an eco-conservationalist, but informally. In our travels we do things that might not seem like they make a difference to the planet we live on, but might make enough for a change for the better. Are you a tree hugging hippie? Me too.
    I probably can’t change pollution or clean the oceans on my own, but whatever I do may count for something.

    I love language. Would you be interested in learning them with me? Would you want to expand your brain to the fullest and bring the possibility of connecting with people in a way that most cannot? I love especially sign language. I’m not fluent in ASL, but I know the pidgin signed form of English and that helps me pretty well in communication with deaf people. Are you deaf? That’s something I wouldn’t mind at all. Exploring that possibility is actually enthralling and I can’t deny that due to my love of sign language, I have wondered if my perfect missing SM is unable to hear. Even if you aren’t, do you still dream of learning a new language? There’s something beautiful about the look in a person’s eye the moment they realize you understand them. That you hear them. That you can talk back. That what they’re saying, no matter what language, can be understood. You ever try to tell someone not fluent in English how they get to where they need to go and they just have this look of hopeless frustration? I want to break barriers in this world.

    My soul is made of art. I want to be a painter and a photographer and a sketch artist and a naturalist and I want to create beautiful content that most of the world cannot see with their own eyes so I bring it to life for them and they’re like, “Wow.”. I need music in this world, (which I know if you’re deaf you still can enjoy music. The beat of the bass thumping through your chest and feet and fingertips. Make that feeling with me. I’ll sign you the words.) But if you can hear the beauty and gift that is music, make it with me. Beat on a drum and let me lull the birds in the trees with a flute and let the campfire die with the end of the song and let’s just be one with the moment because that shit is beautiful.

    Understand that when I say I play video games, I do. Just not as often as a hardcore gamer would expect. I refuse to live up to anyone else’s expectations anymore. I play when I feel like it and sometimes that may or may not be weeks in between a session and for me, that’s okay. I don’t want to feel pressured anymore.

    Speaking of pressured, I don’t want sex all the time. It’s not how I explicitly show my love. My love comes in other forms and it’s not physical for me. The attraction is a bonus, but it’s what makes you YOU that matters, SM.

    I need you to know my phobias, okay? Be prepared that if you fall for me, I don’t drive. I’ve always wondered that what if the things you’re afraid of are how you died in a past life. I am terrified to drive. It doesn’t mean it’s 100% impossible for me, I have proven capable of doing it in the middle of the night with minimal other life around me. But I’d prefer someone who doesn’t trust me with an ounce of their lives to get behind that wheel. It’s pure honestly, and to be blunt as I like to be, I need you to be okay with driving. Like everywhere, because I can’t. Which leads me back to the skoolie. Could you cross-country stand a bus drive? I promise to pamper you in return because I know driving is tedious and not always a blast. Deal, SM?

    I grew up in a household that was just never clean, no matter how hard I tried. I don’t want to live that gross life again. Messy, lived in, a pile of laundry I can understand. Even dishes left in the sink, but if you’re okay with bugs and mold and just nasty things, I don’t think you and I would work out. I can understand a little procrastination, but just flat out not doing it for weeks isn’t okay with me and I need someone responsible.

    Also, please tell me about your love for food. God, I am a chunky girl. Not afraid to admit it. At this point, honesty is how I maintain my sense of self esteem. Not going to lie to you about how I look in hopes that it will make a difference. Take me as I am and I’ll take you whatever way you come. I love trying new things. I am part Korean, so I definitely do things like seafood and Asian cuisine. Wanna eat something outrageous? Let’s try it. Bet you ten kisses it’s delicious.

    Do you enjoy an equal balance of space and alone time, and inseparable cuddles? Same. That’s enough on that. If you get it, you get it.

    Also, if you’re still in this with me so far, know that I smoke. I smoke. I’m not talking about cigarettes. I love cannabis. It’s a little more than recreational for me, but the fun part is still included for me. It’s super medically based for me and helps with my mental and physical pains, and i’m down to be that stoner girl for you. But if you don’t, please accept that this is how I treat my body and mind and it works for me and I’d never force you to try it, but don’t ever attempt to take it away from me. It’s fundamental, and not in a pothead type way, but in a “It helps me function”.

    Do you enjoy reading? I do. I love movies too. Watch all of them with me. Especially the paranormal. I’m a sucker for paranormal and fantasy things. From witches to fairies to ghosts to secret powers to Narnia. I love it all.

    You probably don’t exist, there may not be someone out there like me. And at this point it sucks, but those are a few core ingredients to you SM. I need someone like-minded. I have spent forever chasing the opposite of who I am thinking it will make me happy to have someone challenge me and my mind but really the challenge lies in someone like me to make me happy. I wish you would find me. I am here. I want the world with you. I want to live out everything this life has to offer without boundaries and living by the rule book and I want you to break out of this modern box that they’ve put us in and just be freedom. My wish is that you would look me in the eyes, and whisper, “Soul mate.”

    All my love, Emily.

    3 Responses to You don’t exist, but this is my wish.

    1. Zorro
      June 14, 2018 at 8:06 pm

      You’re wonderful, Emily.

    2. Alive
      June 15, 2018 at 8:45 am

      Your soulmate exists.

    3. baileyj2
      June 16, 2018 at 7:42 am

      As bold as this statement may be, I’m roughly 80% of what you are. Sadly, though, I’m half-way around the world trying to find her.

      As someone who can empathise with everything you’ve said, I hope that you find him, Emily.

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