• To my love

    by  • June 12, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, Sorry • 8 Comments

    Yeah, it’s true, sometimes life throws you curve balls….but those bumps NEVER hurt so much as the ricochets.

    Sometimes bad things just happen, but most of the time, WE are the source of the pain and chaos WE suffer in life, and its especially painful for a few reasons; we were almost always warned by someone who’d been there and done that, but people are arrogant, and tend to think statistics don’t apply to us. We always think it won’t happen to us. But, being warned means that we should’ve seen the wreck coming, which only adds to the humiliation. To make matters even worse, most of us are led by vanity, so we tend to keep digging that hole deeper and deeper, until we’re finally FORCED somehow to admit we screwed up. Only then will we ever see positive progress. Doesn’t matter if that “ricochet” was a result of recklessness, greed, lust, dishonesty, or any one of the other host of instinctive behaviors that we all have a tendency toward and all struggle and sometimes fail to restrain; the outcome is almost always the same. We suffer, then we finally either admit, learn and move on, or we deny, stop growing and die miserable.

    Civilizations have moral codes and expectations not because Jesus, Allah or our govt force them on us, but because as a self-aware species we realized early on that certain behaviors had consequences, and that we required something to act as a social adhesive to bind us together and restrain our most base animalistic and self serving instincts, so that we could grow as individuals and as a species.

    Why am I writing all this? Because I was reminded again tonight of the consequences of something I did that I, at the time, thought to be absolutely insignificant, thought would never be known and therefore thought would be inconsequential anyway, and then, as the aforementioned law predicts, continued trying way too long and hard to justify after the fact. Funny thing is, that’s not even me. I’ve never had a problem saying, “Yep. I did that. I fucked up. Sorry.” And yeah, I know the game: next step, I analyze possible outcomes and decide if I can accept the consequences, or if I should start to repair the damage. But this time, when the cost was more than I was willing to pay, I made a different decision. I grabbed my shovel, and I gambled, and I kept upping the stakes, and kept digging, and gambling, and, OF COURSE, I lost. At some point long before it happened I even KNEW I would lose. But, out of a lack of courage, and lingering sense of misplaced arrogance, I kept on digging, and in the end I hurt someone that TRULY means the WORLD to me, (not to mention I hurt myself indescribably). I lost her trust, and her faith, I humiliated myself, and damaged something that had been as close to perfect as possible, and strong, and beautiful, and unique and even empowering, and it was damage that may take years to repair, and worse it’s damage that reflects on the faces and in the lives of way more than just the two of us everyday. I betrayed the hopes and the trust of so many, probably made them feel a bit naive, maybe even used, certainly let down, and I did it all because I was ashamed, cowardly, selfish and prideful. I failed to grasp the real impact on everyone of my actions, or lack thereof. I didn’t see what difference a ten year old brief lapse in judgement made to a relationship that was WAY younger than that. Besides, I was sure she would never find out in the first place. AND, even IF it ever actually came to light, I reasoned, I can surely talk my way out of anything, anyway. I always have. Definitely worst of all, I failed to show HER the faith and trust she’d shown me, and that she deserved. I sat there and had the nerve to pick and choose facts about my past, keeping her on a need to know basis, even as she told me EVERY detail of hers, no matter how embarrassing, damaging or risky it was. And that really IS the height of contempt. And truthfully I DID ABSOLUTELY love and adore her, and I still do. So the truth is, my failures have no justification, explanation or excuse, because even then I was confidently planning and imagining our life together at 75 years old, frankly. And that, I’m sure you’d all agree, is the height of arrogance.

    And yes, the consequences have been just what I knew they’d be, exactly what the terms of man’s contract with natural karma, to which we give consent at birth, prescribe–months of agony, sleepless nights and lonely days, broken hearts and broken love, lost trust and lost faith that may never heal completely, and, at least as of this post on 6/4/2018, have more or less lasted to this very day. Progress has been made, but relative to the damage that was done, and the reality of the past, it’s been negligible at best. To see in her eyes a touch of distance and emptiness that I know I put there, after I’ve sworn so many times that her fulfillment and satisfaction were my only goals, brings me to my knees. I promised to always be there, and that she would wake up every day knowing she was loved as much as ANY woman could be. Now she says she feels abandoned, and asks if my words were EVER more than that, JUST words. She questions each kiss, and each “I love you.” Every good time and every good memory she no longer shares with the man who was there that day, but the man she sees today.
    So I’m posting this for her to see, and all to see, so that I can say I’m sorry. I want her to know, and anyone who cares to read this to know, that I admit my mistake, I own it, and I wholeheartedly accept the consequences that I’ve suffered unbearably, that I’ve truly been more miserable than I knew possible, AND that she WAS AND IS my heart, my world and my future. She thinks SHE’S alone, that I’M no longer there in heart because of all this, so here’s my declaration, before the world, that I’ll ALWAYS be there, I’ll ALWAYS be hers, NEVER let her down or leave her alone, and most importantly, that I’ll spend every day that we have left together doing all I can to remind her that not another man in the world loves a woman more. I realize that big people life, with all our responsibilities, and work and other commitments, sometimes cause us to forget love and romance, and we allow routines to get in the way, but NEVER will any of that matter more, and from this day to my last one, I swear I’d turn my back on it all before I’d let it come between us. YOU are my focus and priority. And despite what you think or feel none of this has changed a bit from day one. So sleep peacefully tonight, my heart, confidently assured that you and I are and will remain one–strong, determined, unbreakable and unbeatable. I won’t falter, and we won’t falter. And, at least in my mind, neither the ghosts of a dark past, the uncertain fog of a yet to be defined future, or the overwhelmingly painful and uncertain reality of our present circumstances can do a thing to change that. WE define our feelings AND our future. And we make our own decisions, because emotions ARE subjective. If you are convinced a love is dead, then it IS, in fact, dead. But as long as you refuse to give up all hope, each day that you both wake up is another day that the rebirth of that love is possible. And WE ALL live with the consequences of the convictions we force ourselves to accept. The simple truth is, it really only takes one person’s misguided loss of hope or faith to kill something that was once thriving, progressive, fulfilling and beautiful. So, at the end of the day, take away all the right lessons here. Follow a moral code, be prepared for the consequences if you don’t, and keep in mind, a tiny misstep on your part can destroy someone else’s entire world and leave them feeling unnecessarily trapped in the darkest recesses of their own mind, all the while the light they are so desperately seeking, that thing which to them has become as seemingly vital to their future as air, water and nourishment, lies in you.

    NEVER be afraid to own, address and suffer the consequences of your mistakes, and never let go or ignore the fact that EVERYTHING you do, every word you speak, every action, impacts someone. And if that someone happens to be THAT someone, REALLY that someone, that someone that you only find once in a lifetime, remember that everytime that curve ball hits them, that’s another ricochet, another chink in YOUR own armor, another crack in YOUR foundation, another step closer to the ledge. If they go over, if they fail, fall, weaken or crumble, you’re right behind. That’s how it should be, and if not, they were never THAT person to begin with.
    Since I’m laying bare so many raw emotions and allowing you all to look on, like voyeurs, or tourists happening upon the most beautiful scenery nature provides, or maybe passers by at the scene of some tragic accident, as I share and explore the less intellectual and more brutally honest emotional aspects of such a personal experience, I can’t help thinking I should add this disclaimer, even if it is almost certainly unnecessary: EVERY letter which forms every word that lies before my audience, was written for only one person. She knows who she is; as do most of you. And just to be clear, the light I need, the vision, the strength and purpose and hope for tomorrow, I never truly had them before I had you.

    8 Responses to To my love

    1. *
      June 12, 2018 at 12:21 pm

      Jesus! Your posts should come with an outline or cliffsnotes.

    2. A reader
      June 12, 2018 at 2:00 pm

      This is beautiful. Shes an asshole if she doesnt accept your apology.

    3. Apryl
      June 12, 2018 at 3:17 pm

      Who is this for?

    4. Apryl
      June 12, 2018 at 3:23 pm

      I love you Jayjay!

    5. ¥¥
      June 15, 2018 at 2:15 pm

      Are you really sorry for doing it or sorry you got caught? You said you always talked yourself out of it before so this wasn’t your first time. If you hadn’t got caught you would still be doing it right? So therefore your apology is fake. Kudos to her for leaving you where you stand. She deserves better than you.

    6. Anon
      June 25, 2018 at 6:39 am

      “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.”

      If this is you, you’ll understand… read Chapter 10 of the book I sent months ago.

      I forgive you. I’ve said that many, many times. But you need to understand that I have chosen the life that aligns with my heart and true desires. My choices that led to us were wrong, and I regret them. I regret getting involved with you, and I’m sorry if that hurts but it is the truth.

      There is hope for you, but not in this relationship. I am a separate person with my own emotions, beliefs, and free will. From you, I only ever wanted respect and to be treated like a human being – I wasn’t asking for more or less. I had to look beyond what happened to heal. The answer for you is also outside of these events… there’s something in your past you also need to deal with. The illusion and addictive strength of this bond is based on unhealed wounds that we were subconsciously trying to resolve with each other. Unfortunately your wounds caused you to mistreat me, and mine led me astray, but it’s not the end of the world. It may be the end of this, but that is how it should be.

      Please accept it and do your best to look outside of yourself. I was there, so I know how painful it is to feel alone or to live with regrets. To be heartbroken over hurting someone I love (the person I committed to for life, and who I am still with by the grace of God), and seeking reconciliation in humility. I still never thought I would do what I did. I have also had to look back at a past that was shaped by events both outside of my control and as a result of my own mistakes. But I also had to forgive myself and accept his forgiveness. When it is genuine, it comes with transformation. I’m thankful for forgiveness I didn’t deserve. Nobody is any better or worse than anyone else so this gift is available to all.

      There is forgiveness for you and hope for the future but you have to let go, so please accept my forgiveness and respect the life I have chosen. Please forgive yourself and focus on healing. Accept that I do not want to talk to you anymore, and it is not personal. It is simply not respecting myself or anyone for me to allow myself to be treated the way you have treated me.

      Life is not a game… and relationships are not about betting on outcomes or winning vs. losing. If you make it about that, you will always end up losing no matter how good you feel about temporary successes or boosts or the little things you might get away with.

    7. Kelly
      June 26, 2018 at 12:16 am

      I love you..

    8. Anonymous
      June 26, 2018 at 6:31 am

      PS – Again, if it’s you, you should know me… and understand that this is not a rejection of you as a person but a decision that I am going to stop hoping that you’ll change and accept you as you are.

      I do accept and appreciate your apology. Our ways of thinking and approaching life do not mix well, and while closing the door is largely about respecting myself and growing beyond my old patterns, it is also about choosing to live with forgiveness, and I was honestly unable to forgive you or myself, as much as I tried, while we were still in each other’s lives in any way. My mistake was trying too hard to get you to see things from my point of view, to understand the implications of the way you treated me, which I’ve accepted may not be possible (and is irrelevant at this point) and which was not really my place to get you to see. If you cared about that, you would have come forward on your own at any point in time before the moment I decided to start taking care of myself. Another mistake was not standing up for myself and having boundaries before it got to this point.

      But that is all in the past, and today is a new day. I wanted to make sure I was fully clear that I am not holding on to any issues and do just want you to move forward on your own. I am sorry if you ever went through things that have made you unable to trust people. I hope that someday you can see that there are good people out there who are worth the effort it takes to step outside of yourself and that you become able to feel more empathy for and connection with others.

      If you feel compelled to write back, you need to know, for my own reasons, I am choosing not to come back again. I wrote all of this to work things out, knowing that the original post may not even be you. So real or not, I finally feel like I got my own closure. I need to separate completely from all of this and focus on other things.

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