You’ll probably get it this week. But I have changed my mind from what I said in it. I don’t want to hear from you. After seeing something on here I think was you (which was after), I realized that I just can’t take any more.
You pushed my guilt and fear buttons. It was hard for me to see what is going on until it was too late. That is what manipulation is. And when it’s ongoing and you tell the other person and they continue to the same things, to blame you for the fact they hurt you, or act like they’re a victim, it crosses a line. It’s abusive. I have reached my limit. I want to be free and I am the only one who can do that for me.
We do not have a bond. You lied to me, and I also lied to myself. I was wrong to get involved with you. I have been wrong in the way I’ve handled things. I’ll be wrong again. But that doesn’t mean I can’t change my mind at any point and try to do things better.
I am afraid to hurt people because I have gone through so much in my own life, and I care. I always want to help, not harm. I want to do the right thing. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out what that is. If I think they are suffering, it is really hard for me to walk away.
But what am I supposed to do when I realize that you have been using those qualities in me to manipulate me into not walking away, which is clearly what is best for me? And then when I try to be respectful and tell you about it up front and set boundaries instead of being indirect like you have been with me (so you’re not confused and so I can have some peace) I am only met with more of the same?
The answer is obvious to me. I know I need to use my logic and stop letting my emotions control me. And I know that I can do that.
It’s not abuse to stand up for yourself. It’s not abuse to seek closure from someone who mistreated you and to be so confused as a result of manipulation that you continue to contact them hoping that things will change and endlessly question yourself and what even went on. What is abuse is someone using the silent treatment or shows of indifference to get what they want, even if all it is, is the satisfaction of knowing that you care, so you’ll keep coming back no matter how much they demean you.
I realize that people do these things because they are broken. Sometimes they aren’t aware. Maybe you didn’t mean to. That doesn’t change the fact that it happened, nor does it undo what it did to me.
I don’t care what you think of me. You can interpret this all as me breaking your trust. You can forever consider me a horrible person. I can live without a sincere apology. It is not worth the toll it’s taken on me. I choose to forgive you anyway. Do I want you to be healthy and safe? Yes. Please do not use that against me any longer. There are people who want me to be healthy and safe as well, and I am done letting them (and myself) down.
This is not about you. Because I am afraid you will still try to make it about you and I no longer want to let that kind of negativity into my mind, I am not checking back.