• I Changed My Mind

    by  • June 11, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 4 Comments

    You’ll probably get it this week. But I have changed my mind from what I said in it. I don’t want to hear from you. After seeing something on here I think was you (which was after), I realized that I just can’t take any more.

    You pushed my guilt and fear buttons. It was hard for me to see what is going on until it was too late. That is what manipulation is. And when it’s ongoing and you tell the other person and they continue to the same things, to blame you for the fact they hurt you, or act like they’re a victim, it crosses a line. It’s abusive. I have reached my limit. I want to be free and I am the only one who can do that for me.

    We do not have a bond. You lied to me, and I also lied to myself. I was wrong to get involved with you. I have been wrong in the way I’ve handled things. I’ll be wrong again. But that doesn’t mean I can’t change my mind at any point and try to do things better.

    I am afraid to hurt people because I have gone through so much in my own life, and I care. I always want to help, not harm. I want to do the right thing. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out what that is. If I think they are suffering, it is really hard for me to walk away.

    But what am I supposed to do when I realize that you have been using those qualities in me to manipulate me into not walking away, which is clearly what is best for me? And then when I try to be respectful and tell you about it up front and set boundaries instead of being indirect like you have been with me (so you’re not confused and so I can have some peace) I am only met with more of the same?

    The answer is obvious to me. I know I need to use my logic and stop letting my emotions control me. And I know that I can do that.

    It’s not abuse to stand up for yourself. It’s not abuse to seek closure from someone who mistreated you and to be so confused as a result of manipulation that you continue to contact them hoping that things will change and endlessly question yourself and what even went on. What is abuse is someone using the silent treatment or shows of indifference to get what they want, even if all it is, is the satisfaction of knowing that you care, so you’ll keep coming back no matter how much they demean you.

    I realize that people do these things because they are broken. Sometimes they aren’t aware. Maybe you didn’t mean to. That doesn’t change the fact that it happened, nor does it undo what it did to me.

    I don’t care what you think of me. You can interpret this all as me breaking your trust. You can forever consider me a horrible person. I can live without a sincere apology. It is not worth the toll it’s taken on me. I choose to forgive you anyway. Do I want you to be healthy and safe? Yes. Please do not use that against me any longer. There are people who want me to be healthy and safe as well, and I am done letting them (and myself) down.

    This is not about you. Because I am afraid you will still try to make it about you and I no longer want to let that kind of negativity into my mind, I am not checking back.

    4 Responses to I Changed My Mind

    1. Apryl
      June 11, 2018 at 6:39 pm

      I don’t really talk to liars or people who make rash decisions based on their own reality. Reality is reality. You can’t run from it. Learn how to be an adult. This isn’t really for you just someone who was supposed to be a friend and tries to guilt trip me into believing she will change which she won’t. If she was having such a hard time she needs to be an adult and say so. I’m not a mind reader.

    2. J.
      June 12, 2018 at 12:10 am

      Is that you, F?

    3. To the Author
      June 12, 2018 at 10:00 am

      Author: Even though I am probably not your intended recipient; I, on his or her behalf, would love to offer sincere and true apology to whatever has transpired and come from this situation. I do honestly hope both of you are able to work through whatever the chasm may be which has caused such divide between you both.

      It seems there is great care which exists between you both. Situations such as this are never ideal – I will definitely agree with you. But life brings people and ideas together in some of the most warming ways. Perhaps there may be a common ground. After all, as I read your letter, you bith found a way to re-establish a connection. Something has to be said for that particular area to occur.

      What made it wrong for the two of you to become involved? Was it a short time span, or has this been something which has developed? If it is a short time span; then, I completely understand. However, this seems as though there was time for a great deal of development and cultivation of whatever connection there may be.

      There is an innate desire and wish for people to come together. I have experienced a similar situation in my own life. I, too, care a great deal for another. We both have had some circumstances which have pulled us apart. But that does not mean what we have is is destroyed. We have recently reconnected as well. I know there are special places for both of us within each other. There always will be.

      Now, I am not trying to say to keep giving him or her chance after chance. If you feel you are being hurt; then, definitely, step away. As you said, it is about you being safe and happy. That is, by far, the important no piece here.

      I wish there was something I could say or do to help ease you and your mind. I hope whatever you have given to your recipient is received well.

      I, like you, always want to help and reach out when I see others are struggling. I care. I care a very great deal. Sometimes too much. But is there such thing as too much? I do not believe there is. That is why, I believe, my situation is slowly being rebuilt. As will yours – if that is the case and wish. I have always believed others come into one’s life for a reason. The ones who truly care and hold on will always be there. I have a feeling there is so much more for me and my person to share together. Which is why we have reconnected, too. I think we have both realized we do not wish to lose the other. What the two of us have developed is something beyond anything either of us have imagined possible.

      I bekibel you to be a strong individual; and, yes, you have been through a great deal. Your person may have also been through so much, as well. I will definetly keep you both in my prayers. For I know there is something there. There is love and peace for you both from Above, I can feel it in your words. I hope all will be well.

      Scripture tells us – Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It akwsys protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

      I know there is love there for you and your person. Just like there is for me and my person.

      I know you said you would not be checking back – but I hope you see this message. I hope you and your person are able to rebuild with each other.

    4. good luck
      June 14, 2018 at 2:29 pm

      It’s okay to change a mind. Good luck!

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