• Really dont know

    by  • June 8, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, Sorry • 1 Comment

    Hi D,

    I don’t know why I’m thinking about you today. I mean, gosh, it’s been what like 4 years since we broke up? Like, we are ADULTS now! Ugh, it sucks being old.
    But, I don’t know. Well, I kinda know. I listened to “our song” on YouTube and now I can get you out of my mind. I keep wondering about you. Not in a “omg i regret everything and i wish we were back together again” way because we broke up for a reason and it’s still as valid as it was then but just wow, how ARE you? Did you finish Med School? Did you meet someone new? Is B still your best friend? Does H hate me for leaving you like that? Is your dad still treating you like crap (oh and how i hope you stood up to him. Youre a big guy. And you deserved so much better)?
    It’s driving me kinda crazy, all the unanswered questions. And the fact I’ll never have the answers is even worse. I mean I’m married now (!!!!! can you even believe that !!!!!) and I love my husband (I really do. He is a funny guy. I don’t know if you’d like him though. He loves me very much so at least you don’t have to worry about that. Not that you do) and I promised you I’d never talk to you again. Well, we promised each other. Actually, you made me promise. I kinda resent you for that. I wish I still had your number. I wish I could text you out of the blue and ask you “hey, how’s life?” without having to worry about repercussions. Anyway, yeah, talking to you is not an option. But somedays I wish it was. I don’t know why. I don’t regret anything. I don’t regret how we ended (well maybe a little. I shouldn’t have been such a bitch) and I don’t want to get back together (i know me writing you a freaking letter kinda defeats the purpose of my clarification on that but i really don’t), i just want to know how youre doing. Heck, i just wanna talk to you for one last time. Maybe apologize (definitely apologize).
    I dont think youll ever read this. But if you do, i just wanna say: im sorry. I loved you so much, and I treated you so badly. I had your heart in my hands and I feel like i squashed it and i feel horrible for it. You had been hurt before and i feel like i just made it worse. I hope you found someone. I hope you found someone great, a beautiful, funny, super intelligent girl that could give you the kind of love you deserve, the kind of love i would’ve never been able to give to you. I hope youre happy. I hope you have friends. I hope uni is going well (went well? I dont know. Have you graduated??). I hope you still do the things you love. I hope youre doing well. I really do. I wish you everything thats good in life. Most of all, i hope that when you think of me (if you even do), you dont hate me. I hope you remember all of the beautiful things that came before the “valid reasons” and the silent treatments. I hope it is a beautiful memory to you, like it is to me. You were my first love. In a way, i think we’ll always be connected. I think there will always be a little voice in the back of my head saying “i hope youre well”. And i do hope that, from the bottom of my heart.
    I wish we could be friends, but i know thats literally just me being dumb. We could never be friends. We tried and failed and then we crashed and burned so, probably not the smartest idea. Most of all, i wish i could tell you three things.

    1- I’m sorry.

    2- I loved you so much.

    3- You deserve a beautiful life and i hope you get it.

    Well, time for me to go. I already indulged too much. Not even sure if i should submit this. Have a good life, old friend.


    PS: we’ll name her Alice. I hope you don’t mind.

    One Response to Really dont know

    1. Acceptance
      June 17, 2018 at 1:42 pm

      Life is fickle & sometimes some are never the same after having their heart seared to them as a main course. Hate is tied to love. Once believed in & now a once past feeling. More numb & indifferent. Happily wearing a mask so perfectly sculptured that none see what was once full to the brim. Ironic that I don’t travel these pages or any now. Yet here I am, for me to ponder how this ce to fruition. A piece of my puzzle that is near completion. I chose another path & the me you knew doesn’t exist. I have that to thank you for. Life is all our own doing by the choices we chose directly or in directly which means I am wholeheartedly responsible for Me & my journey. Towards today where I stand. Now beyond accomplished to which many, no all would envy & desire beyond what was once just dreams which is now my reality.I care nothing for it or much ado to be truthful. I have but one last wish & it approaches.

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