• I had to distance myself

    by  • June 4, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 3 Comments

    because you are emotionally abusive and unable to handle the truth about yourself. I am trying so hard to just forgive and let go, but it was impossible to make progress while you were still given the option to hurt me. An option you have chosen consistently and I have accepted is unlikely to ever change.

    When I apologized for reacting poorly to your covert aggression, you used the opportunity to subtly play the victim and invite me to feel worse… when I was already being humble and even apologizing for things that weren’t my fault. It didn’t hit me till later but now I see through it. Ironically, in the fog I could not fully grasp that I was the one who deserved a genuine apology. I still have never gotten it and have to live with knowing that your pride and selfishness will likely never allow that to happen. I’m really disappointed in the person I found you to be when it came down to it. You caused some damage in my life, but I dealt with that, and I don’t take your dysfunction personally anymore.

    I came across some information. I know more than you probably realize, but I will let go of that too. If you will not be honest and respectful, I realized it is best that I never interact with you again. You choose how you treat people, just like everyone else. My compassion and trying to “understand” was my downfall. It dwindled on its own after being hurt so relentlessly and accepting what happened.

    Even so, I am open to hearing people out who show genuine remorse, a willingness to change, and humility. I never saw that in you, no matter how many angles I tried to consider things from. I wished for a long time that you would come around and had to finally accept I can’t control it – I can’t even influence someone who has harbored so much resentment against me while claiming you’re a nice person the way you have. It’s not right, but it is what it is. It isn’t ideal to live with unresolved conflict but sometimes you have no choice. That is why I’m writing this here. To help myself resolve it. If I tried to talk to you about it, you would lash out at me again. It’s pointless and out of my control.

    I will listen to what my faith tells me, and I will not accuse or try to convince you of how you’ve wronged me ever again. I’ll focus on my own weaknesses, which I can admit I have and actually do something about. Confronting you has only ever frustrated me more by giving you further opportunity to avoid addressing issues through covert aggression/passivity. I wish I had never allowed myself to be fooled again but I’m human. It was your choice to lie and manipulate, but I do not have to enable it any longer.

    So that is why I was abrupt in cutting things off. It’s the only way in our situation. I recognized your last message as emotionally manipulative, an attempt to try to get me to backtrack again, but for the first time I calmly stood my ground and plan to continue doing so.

    It’s okay to say I’m angry. I’ve been struggling with anger and praying that I will be able to let go of it. I don’t want to be angry but it is an outcome of the way you treated me and anyone would feel this way in this situation, so I can’t be too hard on myself. It will pass.

    I just needed to get it off my chest that I do not believe you were ever “naive” or confused about the things I tried to talk about. It was all a battle to avoid responsibility and to protect your ego, which is tragically too fragile. You don’t act with humility or empathy because you can only see yourself and appear to not truly value or respect other people. That is a serious problem, one you need to get professional help for. I do believe it can be changed, but only if people want it to. But it is no longer my problem. Actually, it never was. Thinking that it was my problem, was my problem.

    The anxiety you claimed to feel in regard to talking to me, if it even exists, was not because you are a victim of anything I did (as you tried to convince me in the end), but because you are running from your conscience and I remind you of that simply by existing. Changing your abusive ways would mean admitting you were wrong, something you have shown no capacity for. I see this type of behavior all the time in my job. In criminal cases. It’s a result of disordered thinking. Humble yourself and submit to a higher power, then there is a chance for things to get better.

    To others:

    If anyone can relate, please stay strong and don’t degrade yourself by allowing another person’s disordered or toxic behavior to infect your own heart. It can have consequences you never would have imagined.

    If you find yourself feeling crazy in ways you never were, until interacting with them, and they blame you for everything that they do, you are likely being manipulated and/or abused. They may have issues and not know what they’re doing, or they may be doing it on purpose, but it’s unlikely you’ll ever know the reason, and it doesn’t matter. It harms you either way. So you can pity them, but from a distance. Get out as soon as possible or get help if you are “stuck,” and don’t look back. Take care of yourself. You are worth it!

    Pray that anger does not get a hold of you but don’t guilt yourself for feeling it. Unfortunately I let unresolved anger steal a lot of time by not confronting it sooner. Face it and work through it. It’s natural to feel this way when others use you, but you are strong enough to get through it.

    You never have to react or engage. You always have a choice. Just walk away. I wish I had long before and am thankful I finally did.

    3 Responses to I had to distance myself

    1. simply put
      June 4, 2018 at 2:16 pm

      Just move on.

    2. B.Lo
      June 5, 2018 at 1:50 am

      Lotta words Sar.
      Those aren’t all for me right?

      https://vimeo.com/254624721

    3. Wishing you peace & healing
      June 5, 2018 at 11:49 pm

      I can completely relate to your letter.

      I was in a seven year relationship with a narcissist, and had to learn the hard way as well.

      Thank you for sharing your story, and for providing some words of wisdom.

      I truly hope it can help those in a similar situation.

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