It’s been three weeks since I sent the initial “last message”, in that time we’ve corresponded a couple of times. Even though I said I was moving on before, I really wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Each message I sent, a tinge of hope was attached, sadly I now realize the old us, is no longer there. By continuing to hold on to you, in turn, I am continuing to further break my own heart and diminish my self-worth. This is my goodbye letter, I know you will never read this letter, but I am hoping to get a sense of finality and the courage to move on with my life.
The way you entered my life at that exact moment, I believe it was a meeting that was made to happen with a little help from up above. We found each other by sharing a love of musics. With each message, I realized that the same emotional and mental struggles I was going through, you had been through. It was nice to know for once I wasn’t alone. Little did I know that a few months later, I would be back to having that sense of feeling alone again.
I have never had so deep a feeling of connection with a friend before. Now that I reflect back on things, I realize the connection was just a form of attraction. I am not a vanity-driven person, when I fall for someone it’s not based on looks, it’s an emotional connection I seek. If the inside of a person isn’t genuine and pure the outside appearance no matter how gorgeous is not beautiful in my eyes. And you, I fell for your heart and soul not what you see in the mirror.
The guy I fell for, he was a caring, loving, kind-hearted guy. He saw me in a way I never knew was possible. All my adult life I have struggled with self-confidence. So when you helped me realize what I was projecting out to the world, was what I was getting back, you put things in a new perspective for me. I had never truly realized just how negative my words were when delivered and you helped me realize that…I had never been told by a member of the opposite sex that I was beautiful. When those words came from you, I melted and the fell deeper. While I know I am beautiful now, I can’t help but wonder if you truly felt the truth behind saying that or if it was just said with careless ease.
The guy I fell for had a heart that wanted to help others. A heart that had been damaged and scarred but still beat beautifully. That heart loved his son, his family, his friends, and most importantly God. While life had handed you some pretty tough hands, your fight, and determination to become a stronger, happier, healthier, spiritually stronger version of yourself was inspiring. The way you spoke the truth to me in regards to what I needed to hear, though harsh I knew they were delivered in love and were not meant to be malicious in any way.
That guy, that was the guy I fell for, that was the guy who “sent my life a whirling”. That was the guy that every time my phone lit up with a new message, a smile would appear on my face, my heart would race and happiness just seemed to radiate from within. A guy that no matter how much I felt like I was a bother assured me I wasn’t. A guy that I felt completely at ease talking to…A guy that I could actually imagine falling in love completely with….A guy that I now realize no longer exists.
Why things changed I really don’t know. That horribly misconstrued message I had sent early one morning I’m sure didn’t help matters any. But I thought we had agreed to a clean fresh start, which we did and then as good as things were going they started to change soon thereafter. When the changes started, my heart started breaking. With each distant message, it continued to break. And whenever I told you I missed my friend, I was met with harshness and cold empty words. I understand that you are busy, I honestly do. But people make time for those they care about.
You spent so much time building me up. You helped me realize the importance of understanding my self-love, self-confidence, and self-worth. You helped me realize that until I find those things and finally love myself, I couldn’t truly love another person fully. You helped me realize that I didn’t need to find my happiness in a man, that happiness comes from within. Those things I appreciate you for more than anything else. But at the same time, you and your actions ended up emotionally wrecking me.
What happened to “In your time of need, turn to me?” Funny how the person who helped me find all those wonderful things, is also the same person who tried to emotionally destroy me. While I do try to believe all the hurt was caused unintentionally, I find myself wondering truly what happened to that guy I fell for.
There is so much love in that heart of yours, I wish you’d let it show more. I wish more people could get to know the side of you I had the pleasure of meeting. I wish you would let more people into your heart than you do because you have so much more to offer than you believe you do. I truly wish you could have seen yourself through my eyes.
In all honesty, I should hate you for the way you’ve treated me. I feel like you discarded me like trash. You have moved ahead in life like nothing happened. You seem oblivious to the fact that I was hurting because of the silence. “And my heart broke down to powder there and I wish I’d let it show” But even if you did know of my heartache, would you have even cared? The old you, I believe would have…this guy, though, I doubt would have cared if any hurt was inflicted. Although I should, I can’t hate you. I still care for you and that is what hurts more than the loss right now. I hate that my thoughts are still riddled with you. I hate that you essentially broke my heart, but still, a piece of that heart has your name on it. I hate that you left me without any explanation of why…I guess we were just destined to take different paths away from each other. I have concluded that you were meant to be in my life for a season and a lesson.
I still think of you every single day and it’s like reopening the wound over and over again. Things come up and my first thought is to share it with you, but I can’t. I know now that things between us would have never gone further. You have your fair share of baggage and the fact that you live 9 hours away didn’t help. But I hope you know “I would rearrange my plans and change for you.” or for the old you, I would have.
The time has finally come, the truth must come out. The guy I fell in love with, doesn’t exist anymore, therefore I must move on. I must gather what’s left of my heart, my pride and my self-respect and no longer chase after someone who doesn’t care for me. I realize now that the you that you chose to be, is poison to me. If I continue trying to make us work, trying to regain that friendship back it will only continue to consume me. And I love myself so much more than that, to allow that to happen.
I wish you absolutely the best in life. I hope you find the balance you so need in life. I hope you find happiness and love. I hope you find the one who will help you see the beauty in things again. I hope you meet the woman who will set your world on fire and be consumed by love instead of pain. I wanted that to be me so desperately, but it just wasn’t meant to be. I hope you find peace and hope again. I will continue to keep you in my prayers and hope with God’s guidance you will find these things and so much more in life.
The girl that USED to be in love with you