• Painful Embrace

    by  • May 16, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 11 Comments

    It’s not that you have caused me pain, aside from the insensitive snide comments. The situation I am in causes the majority of my pain. I feel trapped, locked in a jail cell sometimes. Head vs heart, I sit on the fence afraid of failure in everything I do. It is my biggest flaw. Indecisiveness. I suppose I no longer have confidence in the decisions either makes. In the past if I follow my heart it ends in pain, but if I folow my logic I end up empty and dead inside. So I guess that is it. Do I choose the numbness of life and following the rules, or do I embrace joy and pain in balance? Well, in my experience, they are never balanced. Then again, I could simply have fallen into a black hole that promises some joy and pain, but I have only discovered an unrequited romance and am deluding myself in the beleif that I am worth caring for.

    Well, I hope the asylum set out a special cap and gown for me because I am going to Insanity Graduate School in the fall!

    11 Responses to Painful Embrace

    1. a stranger
      May 16, 2018 at 10:17 am

      I can completely relate…Maybe there is some happiness in the end of this?

      • me too not to be confused with #metoo
        May 16, 2018 at 2:26 pm

        @author – you are not alone

    2. J
      May 16, 2018 at 11:14 am

      Quiet your mind…Let the heart speak to you… and go with the joy, focus on it, without fear, without anticipation.
      Most of all, trust that you are worthy of love.

      • Author
        May 17, 2018 at 7:21 pm

        You make that sound so easy. Perhaps I am missing a step and keep stumbling. Thank you for your advice.

    3. If I'm right..
      May 16, 2018 at 12:35 pm

      And this is you..
      what snide comments are you referring to?

      • hmm...
        May 17, 2018 at 4:32 pm

        speaking for yourself? I have a feeling you’re not…

      • Author
        May 17, 2018 at 7:25 pm

        I am sure you are confusing me with another. I will answer anyway. You know, those little things you say in the spirit of teasing me. When you point out my flaws and highlight things I am insecure about or bring up other things that I didn’t even know were a problem and I add them to my list of flaws. I know you mean no harm, but those moments cut. And being ignored and/or not important enough to remember makes things worse.

    4. exactly
      May 16, 2018 at 3:01 pm

      You describe it very well. Finding balance is difficult and next to impossible at any given time. It’s a constant battle and switch between different stages of emotions. I wise man once told me: accept that you cannot have everything at once. On the other hand, I do believe that you could also learn to make better choices. Life does not always have to be one extreme or the other. At least sometimes it feels good to allow yourself a break and balance yourself by only doing what you want to do.

      • Author
        May 17, 2018 at 7:26 pm

        Thank you for your encouraging words and the compliment.

    5. Blah
      May 17, 2018 at 2:08 am

      It’s always welcomed to hear that one is not alone in their journey. In the end, I may make the wrong decision and end up in pain; however, I will have learned from my mistakes?

      I feel like I have planned to screw up in this life only to be… idk… reincarnated?… to face the consequences of my actions…

      Desire vs duty…. self ratification, pleasure for a short time vs strong security and belief in another, or oneself… number 1 right?

      It seems selfish, but why shouldn’t I put myself and my own happiness and sense of security first? We DO enter the world alone. We exit alone, as well. Why shouldn’t I look out for myself?

      Logic. Logical thinking leaves me feeling empty, unloved and alone.

      Fair trade for feeling loved, desired, admired, appreciated, and special?

      The jury is still out!

    6. C
      May 17, 2018 at 10:04 pm

      I wish we could have worked it out years ago.
      Sometimes life Just gets in the way.

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