I still cant help but wonder why you were brought back into my life. We have known each other since we were kids and we are nearly 30 now. I had such a strong instinct to not let you in when we started talking. At first I thought it was because I didnt want to let anyone in at all. But now I look back and wonder if my instinct was there because I knew you were trouble. But I tried to push passed it because you were apart of my childhood. How can a childhood friend hurt you?
I tried so hard to be supportive and understanding. When you called or texted I tried to answer especially if I knew you were upset. When you went to jail, I wrote you letters. I always listened to you, what you had to say, your pain. It got to the point where I wanted to be the ONE person in your life that didnt run. Everyone did in some way. I didnt want to disappoint you or abandon you. I just wanted to relieve some of your pain and help you deal with your pain. There was just so much trauma from your childhood to present, I wanted to help.
I remember you saying you wouldnt let anyone hurt me. I remember that meaning something to me in the moment. I guess I thought you really meant it. Perhaps you did but silently excluded yourself from that. It still doesnt make sense to me, how you hurt me. Ive said it over and over again but I dont get it. How can you hurt someone so much, who never did anything to you. All I ever did was love and support you. Ive been hurt before, had my heart broken before. But this certainly hurts the most. I cant believe the things you said, the length of lies and the amount of disrespect that came from you. Thank God for MB. If it werent for him, I dont think I would of realized the real you. We BOTH know I was nothing but amazing to you.
I cant wait for the day you wake up and realize how badly you have hurt me. I cant wait for the pain to hit you that you lost something truly rare and special. I cant wait for the call or text that I KNOW will come my way one day. I cant wait for my chance to say my peace. You need to understand that you broke me. How am I suppose to trust or believe someone after what you did to me. You to know how much you fucked up my heart and mind. I dont know if anything was real. Ive almost decided to just say it wasnt. It hurts to know I was just for amusement. I cant believe how easy it was for you to break me, heart and mind. How could you do that to me? I really NEED to know!? What did I ever do to you for you to hurt me so bad!? WHY!!
Even after all this, I still hope you get your life together. I dont wish nothing bad on you or your family. As much as I might want to be that way, Im not….