I think I was angry at you right up until this new year started. Then, it was regret…an all-consuming regret that almost drove me to text you after the ball dropped. We were in love. We could’ve fixed our stupid problems, so irrelevant they don’t even matter to me now. Instead of texting you “I’m sorry,” I deleted your number. Remember when I originally said I’d delete your number? I lied…just like I lied when I said I didn’t love you anymore. Your number was easier to keep when I was still angry, because it was harmless then; I wasn’t tempted to reach out to you.
When I realized I was still in love with you, having your number became dangerous. I would’ve still reached out to you in some way. Everything in my heart and soul was pushing me to do it…and then I found out you were engaged. Besides being heartbroken all over again, I knew all hope was gone. I couldn’t possibly interfere in a relationship that had gotten that serious, no Matter how quickly it had progressed. I just can’t, in good faith, interfere, and still feel good about myself at the end of the day. At this point, my need for closure; my need for answers, would be selfish.
After I deleted your number, I texted someone else, who eventually became my boyfriend. I figured it was better to move forward instead of backward, plus I thought he would make me forget you. Never. It’s like I’m going through the motions while my heart feels empty because it doesn’t have you. Just like anyone else I’ve tried to date since you, I only feel more alone. I keep thinking of what your perspective would be; what you would say about things. Everywhere we go, I think of how much more fun it would be with you. I was expecting that feeling to go away over time, but it’s only gotten stronger. You were always so smart and witty. Like I’ve said before, I miss our conversations most. Fun fades…looks fade…communication and laughter is most important.
More than anything, I wish we would’ve had the chance to fix things. I was to blame for cutting off all communication, and now I have to live with a decision I made in a moment of intense hurt. I still love you, I’ve never stopped loving you, and I don’t even care if it’s reciprocal or not. This is everything I want to tell you, now that it’s impossible…it just helps so much to get it out into the universe somehow. Love needs somewhere to go, even if mine is now forever unrequited. I’m sorry. I might never stop saying I’m sorry… and I wish you all the happiness in the world.