I have tried to explain my feelings to you time after time and it seems that our conversations always go wrong. Lets be realistic here, we have no patience with each other. I want to love you but you have built a wall and wont let me in. I ask why? It hurts so much that my love is not reciprocated. I want your affection, your touch and knowing that I can cry on your shoulder when Im at my worse. I express this to you time after time but my pleas go ignored. I do not want to have to beg for love, that should NEVER and will NEVER be the case.
Keep in mind that there is a 17 year age gap between us and yet, I have dedicated my youth to you, the kids, business, our home etc. Sadly, I don’t feel appreciated or acknowledged. Instead of being your wife, I feel like the family accountant, handyman, cleaning lady, nanny amongst others. It feels like you expect me to fix all our problems and clean up the messes. I don’t think you realize the amount of stress I voluntarily carry on my shoulders just to make sure that you’re ok and happy.
Its been years since your last divorce and yet it’s a fire that constantly reignites in the blink of an eye creating chaos in our already not so peaceful life.
I AM SO TIRED! I say this with tears on my eyes. It’s my fault for enabling you and for taking over the reigns of YOUR problems the first time I met you. But I have reached a point where my mental health and peace are taking a toll. Ironically enough, every time the subject is touched you blow up, instead of protecting me from the situation, you make me feel like I am the enemy. I want to live in harmony and peace.. don’t you?
So here goes, and because you mean so much to me it’s worth the effort. We have been through some hard times in the last couple of years. I remember when we met, it seemed as though we were meant for each other. We both experienced that sense of having found someone who shared opinions, dreams, goals, interest and were compatible in every way. And things were great for a while. But after 2 years or so something changed. I started feeling that our differences were coming out and affecting our relationship in surprising ways.
I remember last year when I asked you what plans you had in mind for my birthday and you blew up. You made me feel so small, scared and heart broken. I cried myself to sleep from how hurt I was and you were stone cold careless. I wasn’t asking for anything lavish or out of this world.. as a matter of fact I wasn’t asking for anything at all! A simple question turned into a miserable screaming battle, something that has become way too common in our relationship.
Then a strange thing happened – I began to feel numb. It seemed that little things started to come between us, and we lost our spark and passion in trivialities. But at the time everything was important, and as we grew apart I began to think that we were destined to live separate lives. I noticed that I fantasized a lot about being in a different place, different people, talking to new friends, seeing other surroundings, and living a new life. Of course, those were just ideas and something that was farfetched.
Today I ask myself, what does the future have in store for me????
I’ve met someone new and frankly he ignites a new fire within me. It probably wont materialize into anything other the comforting conversations.I have a strong sexual desire for this man and would probably take advantage of the opportunity if I had a chance. Does that make me a bad person??
He’s very far away from home so don’t worry..
You know I love you and I vowed to be with you for the rest of my days as long as death do us apart.
Today I ask myself, is that going to be the forever case???
Im so lost… how do we repair this?? Is there any mending.
In the back of my head and as I type this- Im thinking about “him”.