You were the first person I thought I loved. Sure, the way we got together was messed up. I knew your sister first and I was young. I had never been with anyone before and the whole “relationship” thing was new to me. I asked her out. I thought there was something there but it was before I knew what that something was and to be be perfectly honest, I didn’t know what that something was with you either. I was way too young and new to that scene to know and there was simply not enough experience in that department to understand what it was to be a good boyfriend. On the other hand, we both know you weren’t the best girlfriend in the world and there were things you could have done such as discussing with me what you expected from me. Again, I will just chalk this up to us being young. I apologize for the part I played in any pain I may have caused you and even if you proclaim your innocence, you should know that I am well aware of the messed up stuff you did while we were together and I forgive you for it. However, forgiveness isn’t forgetting and I am fine with the way things have played out between us. You played a significant role in my life. I learned from you. That’s worth something, right?
Evelyn, where do I begin? You were my first. You were what I would have considered the one. It took me years to get past you. You were what I thought was love, but looking back you were a continuation of what would be a pattern of me choosing people who would treat me poorly. There were plenty of good times we had together and I learned what I wanted in a relationship from you, but it would take me years to fully realize that. I spent years losing myself in video games and hiding from places I might run into you after we split. I cut off mutual friends. As we spoke about over the phone, there are many things that you did that I must’ve blocked out because I seriously can’t remember them, so don’t feel too guilty about those things (I still can’t remember the scenario you described to me). I was so infatuated with you… Your grandparents hated me and years later when I reached out to you, your grandfather asked me to help remove you from the boyfriend situation you were in. I hadn’t even spoken to you yet. And after a few phone calls, when you ended up at the club that I visited back then, I didn’t have to look up when I saw my friend’s face as you tried the same tactics from years earlier of trying to make me jealous. Although, the timing was terrible for you because I had been hitting the weights hard and had taken dance lessons and a pretty girl showed interest so it was pretty much over for you. I understand that it’s hard to swallow your pride after something like that. After all, I had to do it with you many times before, so I’m sorry that it made you feel… Jealousy? But hey, you know what they say. And for that, I’m not sorry. Eating crow sucks, doesn’t it? My advice to you is this: looks fade so change your personality. No one wants to be with someone who is constantly testing them. I don’t know who you are with now or how your life is, but if it hasn’t changed, I hope it does.
Brandi, I honestly don’t know what I was thinking with you. To be honest, I think I was just tired of being alone and would rather be in a shitty relationship than by myself. But again, I chose poorly and took the pattern: pretty girl wrapped up in herself. Our relationship was brief, but you helped me by being another person in the trend I was creating.
Pam, where do I begin? We dated on and off for years. That should’ve been enough for me to realize it would never have worked, but what I saw in you was some semblance of normalcy that I never was exposed to. Your family life was something I never had and none of the past relationships that ended so terribly had either. I thought that because of your good upbringing, our relationship would be healthy. But I know now that I was way to immature for that. Together, we were way to emotionally stunted in different ways to have clicked where we needed to. By this stage, I was struggling with social anxiety disorder but it was undiagnosed. Couple that with minor depression and you have what I was – someone who couldn’t get out of the house or hold a job. I’m much better now, just so you know, but it’s still a struggle at times. I hope you’re happy in your new life and thanks for the time we had. Looking back I’m not sure how it could’ve ended differently other than it would’ve taken us seeking counseling. Not sure if that would’ve been something you were interested in, because I think you never felt the same about me that I did for you. That’s ok. I’m glad things worked out the way they did now while at the time it really killed me. Sorry for the craziness with the God stuff, but at the time I was desperate and that’s all I thought I could do to get through. Sorry for trying to bring you back into my fold again years later. It took me a long time to understand the fact that someone I thought would be so great for me simply was not going to be. I guess I was stubborn that way.
To my wife:
Melissa, thank you so much for making me better. Thank you so much for opening my eyes to just how much I didn’t know about myself. Thank you for helping me to improve. Thank you for your frank communication. Thank you for always standing by my side no matter how crazy I get. While we have our problems, I’m so in love with you and I’m with you forever. The difference between you and my past is your willingness to work through our problems. Your understanding that no one is perfect and your forgiving nature. I couldn’t ask for a better wife and I am so privileged to have spent the last 12 years with you. I have learned so much from you and am still constantly learning from you. I don’t think that I will be able to ever fully tell you or describe just what you mean to me and how much you have changed me. If it weren’t for you, I’m pretty sure I would still be struggling with social anxiety and not doing anything to better my situation at all. So thank you for showing me just how to do that. Thank you for staying with me through the thick and thin. Thank you for our quick and special wedding. Thank you for helping me to finally quit smoking. Thank you for motivating me to get my weight in check. Thank you for sharing your interests with me and thank you for taking interest in the things I’m interested in. I love you so much. You’re my world, my life, and everything I do is with you in mind. I can’t wait to see what we do in the next 12 years!