• I blame myself

    by  • April 12, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, Grief • 0 Comments

    I remember when I first found out you’d passed away. I had just gotten out of my last final exam. I couldn’t believe what had happened. I couldn’t believe what I’d read. I told the people around me “This can’t be.”

    You were the biggest, strongest person in your class. Not too long ago, you were the one to rescue me when I got stuck on top of the monkey bars.

    News of your death hit me hard during finals week because I feel bad during school, too.
    My ADHD symptoms made me wish I were dead. Nobody likes failing in school over and over again. It’s understandable why school would make one feel hopeless, but I wish I could have told you – THE WORLD IS SO MUCH BIGGER than SCHOOL.

    There were so many other communities out there where you could have fit in just the way you were.

    I wish you would have reached out to me. I looked up to you so much. You were well-liked by everybody. I’m sorry I missed the signs that you were unhappy. In hindsight, it was obvious. I feel like I let you down.

    I blame myself for your death.

    I carry it in my heart. It’s heavy, like carrying the weight of a wall of bricks. I spent the summer laying still & flat on the floor. In the fall, I went back to school without you, but it was like re-learning how to live my life, now with the weight of the bricks.

    I feel like I let you down.

    The stigma in our small town of the nature of your passing meant that there would be no funeral or calling hours. I was besties with your baby sister. I wondered how she was going to carry on. I worried even more about your best friend, Collin.

    I wish I could wake up in an identical world where this never happened.

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