some days i feel like i don’t deserve to smile. like its not for me. like i need to be punished for feeling happiness because i don’t deserve it not until i accomplish something worthy of being happy for and i know how irrational this thought is but i cant help a part of my brain that thinks this way. even writing this letter is making me feel as if i am just making a excuse and just being unnecessarily emotional.
i have never been a child who is good enough for my parents. i wish i could be what they want me to be, what i know i am capable of being but there is this huge part of me that’s telling me something wrong is going and resisting me to the change happening around me. i should change with the times but i am not and that shows my failure in my ability to adapt.
the most funny thing i have literally 5 contact numbers in my phone. my mom, my dad, my brother and two of my classmates who never pick up my calls but i need to keep their number in case of needing their help. i am such a loner. i had this huge circle of friends and now i am this outcast people feel intimidated of. its been three years since i last made a friend. its gets lonely on days i miss company of people.
everyday i wish for things to get better. my fears to die down. these voices in my head to drown and never rise again but everyday is the same.
i get up. be a disappointment. eat. sleep. be a disappointment. eat. sleep. and repeat.
i am being irrational again aren’t i? i can make the better choice but i am a scared mess that runs away from problems like always.
that’s what i know the best.