• to the life i was never enough for

    by  • April 8, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 1 Comment

    dear universe,
    some days i feel like i don’t deserve to smile. like its not for me. like i need to be punished for feeling happiness because i don’t deserve it not until i accomplish something worthy of being happy for and i know how irrational this thought is but i cant help a part of my brain that thinks this way. even writing this letter is making me feel as if i am just making a excuse and just being unnecessarily emotional.
    i have never been a child who is good enough for my parents. i wish i could be what they want me to be, what i know i am capable of being but there is this huge part of me that’s telling me something wrong is going and resisting me to the change happening around me. i should change with the times but i am not and that shows my failure in my ability to adapt.
    the most funny thing i have literally 5 contact numbers in my phone. my mom, my dad, my brother and two of my classmates who never pick up my calls but i need to keep their number in case of needing their help. i am such a loner. i had this huge circle of friends and now i am this outcast people feel intimidated of. its been three years since i last made a friend. its gets lonely on days i miss company of people.
    everyday i wish for things to get better. my fears to die down. these voices in my head to drown and never rise again but everyday is the same.
    i get up. be a disappointment. eat. sleep. be a disappointment. eat. sleep. and repeat.
    i am being irrational again aren’t i? i can make the better choice but i am a scared mess that runs away from problems like always.
    that’s what i know the best.
    running.

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    One Response to to the life i was never enough for

    1. Saki
      April 11, 2018 at 10:37 pm

      I won’t say that i know how you feel since every human being is different but i understand. I wish for you to be happy. You dont have to force yourself to be quite optimistic in life. You have to be realistic and take a step by step course in your life–to improve it. I want you to know that you are not alone in this as each of us wants to run away from everything at some point in life, some of us may have experienced what it’s like to be an outcast but it will get better. You will be able to get back there and have the friends that is worthy of your time and loyalty. Never give up and start facing reality as facing it will help you grow and learn things in life




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