I told myself I wasn’t going to write to you here again. Why should she get to choose the forum? But then I thought, when have I ever gotten to choose anything between us, so I don’t see why this would be any different.
My recent emotions towards you are mixed. Im sure you can understand that. On one hand, Im frustrated, because I still cannot believe that after all this time you wont give me anything, anything at all of you. Something where I could really say to myself that, even if just a little bit, you were a part of my life and I was a part of yours. On the other hand, I realize I need you now more than ever, and I think that I miss you more than ever right now too. I dreamed about you again, and the last couple times have been happy, which is unusual. Thats gotta mean something, right?
I wonder alot about how youre doing. If youre happy with your life, your job, your family and friends. Sometimes, when Im alone, I think about what your average day is like. I imagine that you wake up early, have a light breakfast, put on your makeup, and grab some Starbucks on the way to work. You probably get to work on time, work hard, and leave at a reasonable hour. For lunch I think you would bring it with you, maybe a salad or some leftovers from the night before. Maybe you go out sometimes too. I imagine you stay in most nights of the work week, maybe a happy hour with colleagues occasionally. On the weekends I bet you do a lot of cool things, though, Im not really sure what you do for fun. I guess I never found out what kinds of things you like to do in your free time. But I like to think that generally you are happy and fulfilled with your life.
Me, well Im dealing with some pretty weighty shit. Ive never had the responsibilities I have now, not even close. Its hard that I feel like I have noone to talk to about all of it. I so wish that I could talk to you about my life, about the difficult decisions I am confronted with, and how I am really feeling the stress of everything on my plate. Ive been getting hi more to cope, though Im probably not drinking quite as much as before. Ive been thinking about that some, why I always needed to be drinking around you. You know, I did try a few times. But its not like thats just you. I mean, the simple answer is that I was always nervous, especially talking to someone I felt so deeply for. But when I look back on my life, at least the last 10 years or so, I cant think of one social situation outside of with my immediate family, or maybe at a job if I had been there awhile, that I wasn’t uncomforable with until I had a few drinks. I have felt like an outsider for a long time now, but when Im drinking with other people, I just feel so much more normal and accepted. Im sure thats partly why things blew up between us so many times; you were always sober and I was always drunk.
But the truth is, I respect you and I trust you and I love you, but I am not comfortable with you. You scare the shit out of me. Some days, Im just waiting for the police to show up at my door for assault even though Im 2000 miles away. You need to be the one to break the ice. I can reach out to you and write you letters til Im blue in the face, but I know I will never be comfortable with you until you show me, personally and directly, that you want me in your life. I don’t think we need to have some hardass introspective discussion about how we feel about each other and whats gone wrong in the past on the first day. Why cant we just start talking? I think, for the most part, we generally got along pretty well. Im not going to ask me to be your girlfriend if you respond to one of my texts. You wont find me on one knee at your doorstep the next day. Im not that crazy. But I would like to get to know you better, I would like your advice for the challenges I face. Id like to be able to share funny memes with you or tell you about a good movie I saw. Just friendly conversation, you know?
At the end of the day, I know its not just about what I want. Thats probably not even close to as important as what you want, although Im not naive enough to think that dynamic is unique to myself as a man. But I do miss you alot baby. I think about cuddling with you alot. Would you like that baby? Will you be my little spoon?