• Letter to myself about sex

    by  • April 4, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    The feeling I have now is of total brokenness. Like my heart has been emptied of a very important part. Sex is hollowing sex is destroying sex is sick making and can destroy your soul. I don’t know him but I thought we had a connection. I saw only the things I wanted to see in him and I thought I was special. But actually, he treated me like he would treat anything which had tits. Maybe hed be nicer to a blow up doll. He had no interest in my brain, my spirit. I can see that now. The signs were always there, even though he only let it become totally obvious after he’d got what he wanted. But I had it in my head – hes coming here to visit me, just me, cos Im special and what we had was special, no matter how brief it lasted, it was a connection like no other connection.
    What bullshit. We had nothing, only a flirt.
    Im not sad over him, how could I be? I don’t know him. Im sad over me. Im sad that I showed myself the disrespect of giving something to him which he didn’t deserve or appreciate. And now that thing is missing. And Im sad about that thing. That’s the thing I miss and that’s the thing Im sad about.
    I don’t know what it is exactly. I guess a part of my dignity. A bit of my soul. The soul I am working so hard to protect and nurture, that Ive built up from a state of distruction and fragility. Only to bash it down in one morning.
    What did I see in him? Am I as bad as him? We didn’t know each other after all. I liked him for his cuddles, his affection, his hippy vibes, his awesome friends.. and yes, he was incredibly handsome. but was there anything more? Was I just thinking with my sex drive, just like he was? And from that expecting love, or something? When I don’t even know him?
    In which case, I am ashamed and I am as bad as him. Im angry that Id end up with such expectations. But never again. I have had sex with 6 people in the last 2 years, and I regret them all. None of them stuck around for longer than that one time. Its always the same story. I think I have this amazing connection, but it turns out to be bullshit.
    What is it in me that attracts these people? I need to stop. To stop having sex, totally. To get to know people on a friendship level, for months, before letting the sexual bullshit get in the way, complicating things and slowly chipping away at my dignity and my wellbeing. Maybe I should never have sex ever again. As fun as it is, remember this moment and the pain. Its not worth it.

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