• I feel like I need you now more than ever

    by  • April 2, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    Maybe this is why you’re avoiding me?
    Maybe you know that I still long to speak to you.
    The fact is though whichever method I look into to guessing, I do not have a clue what goes on in your head.
    I may never cross your mind whatsoever.
    That’s fine.
    Maybe you mean much more to me than what I mean to you. But I haven’t I guess ever offered you enough. I haven’t been open enough to you.
    I’m not the type to hold grudges and I try not to, but it saddens me so deeply that things are still left the same.
    When I last spoke to you I was indefinitely naive and immature that probably came across. However, I have to accept I was young.
    I am still young and have a hell of a lot to learn.
    Lately, I’ve been going through a period of doubting myself a massive amount. But I guess that’s just my attitude right?
    I know I need to move on and am trying, I have a plan in place. I just wish you were part of my future but that isn’t for me to decide.
    Maybe you fear that I’ll take up too much of your time, be an inconvenience, be boring, I don’t know.

    I have no idea what you think of me. My heart is still at the front of my chest. I try to use my head over heart a bit more lately to avoid making decisions with too much emotion clouding judgement, it’s difficult but I’m trying my best.

    People said to me lately that they’re really surprised I’m not with someone. In all honesty, I don’t know if I’m good enough to be with someone. It hurts so much, but I do feel that maybe I’m just not. You’d probably say that I was overreacting and just adjust my attitude but it’s so difficult. I started to really like someone for the first time in years, spent so much time with them and then nothing. The problem is they are in a long term relationship and am madly in love with that person. I would not want to cause the end up that. Plus even if that person was single, I don’t believe they would choose me.
    I am so hurt right now. So hurt. I know it sounds so ridiculous but, I feel so dejected. I feel like maybe I finally found someone and then yep stupid me I felt too much, shared too much of myself, my weaknesses everything just to realise why do that, that persons never going to be with me.
    I really need to just get over myself and stop showing the vulnerable side of me, stop letting people in, because why, only hurts.
    Yes maybe I’m being true, however it’s still not enough 🙁
    I cannot believe that I’ve actually cried over this person about 3 times now, I’ve only known them about 8 weeks.. We’ve spoke only a handful of times, some of which for a long time. Sometimes I feel incredibly annoyed, because I feel cheated and like I waste my time. But at the same time I can’t be angry, it’s not like I’m the one being cheated on. I just feel like somethings there, but it can’t be.
    It’s just me.
    Again it’s just me.
    I’m tired of giving and receiving little to nothing in return.
    I don’t know what’s going on anymore not even with this, just with me.
    Suppose it’s a good thing I guess. There’s probably some good in things working out different to how hoped or imagined. Not sure what that is but the future should show me. It’s one thing that I can on. Every day I am given a new chance to increase resilience, lick my battle wounds, wipe away the tears and pretend all is fantastic.

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