• Struggling.. :'( :'( :'(

    by  • March 22, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, Thoughts • 1 Comment

    Here I am.. Struggling again. :'( :'( :'(
    I can’t stop the what ifs, memory problems, trouble generally doing pretty much anything. Can’t seem to work properly without being drained with the consistent distressing thoughts and ideas going through my head.
    I am so exhausted but not even tired. I was awake pretty much all night last night.
    I want to be okay.
    I want to be like other people.
    I thought I was doing well but I feel like I’ve taken one step forwards and about 5 steps back.
    I feel unable to do anything.
    If I don’t do anything I have minimal problems with persistent thoughts.
    But I can’t live a life sedentary.
    I want to be able to do things. I feel so trapped inside my own head. I feel like I am finding so many things that other people enjoy so difficult.
    I really so much want to get back to being okay.
    I want to be able to enjoy work, to do well at my role, so people can ask me things and I can efficiently support them. What is wrong with me?
    Well I guess the most obvious thing is that lately even going to the shops strikes the most intense anxiety in case I touch something sharp.
    What if I don’t notice something?
    I can’t seem to get out of this hole.
    I am trying so hard but I am finding it so difficult!
    No one knows how to be around me either. I really need support, but no one knows what to do. All I can do is push everyone away. I can’t have them see what mess is going on in my head. I’m in so much pain mentally and physically at the moment. I feel like my confidence is dwindling.
    I don’t even know what to do to make myself feel better. I want to be that happy, bubbly, self-confident person but, I’ve lost her somewhere.
    Am hurting so much. Sometimes I hate to say it, but lately I’ve been going to bed with a pillow over my head and imagining that I could maybe just slip away in the night. I wouldn’t want to leave anyone with that burden and know I have loved life in the past, but am struggling so much lately to pull myself out of this.
    I have an injury currently and its made me incredibly paranoid. I think I know how I got it, but I don’t really know. I don’t remember it bleeding, but then I didn’t notice it straight away.
    Don’t know where I’m going with this anymore.
    Just feel completely lost. I think maybe working from home for a while could really benefit me, but then what the hell could I do? And actually would I then feel even more fearful and paranoid when leaving safety? I can’t let it come to that

    One Response to Struggling.. :'( :'( :'(

    1. Wish you well
      March 23, 2018 at 4:34 am

      I feel you! I can relate to this so much, you wouldn’t believe it. Hang in there girl. Life is tough, what helps me is to write it down and talk. You’ve got one part going for you. Now find someone to confide in, seek professional help. Talking to a stranger really helps me. It seems like you’ve put up walls for some reason and you reject people out of fear of getting hurt. Try to let people in, let your guard down. Accept help. Wish you well.

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