I keep having this dream….I wouldnt call it recurring, because its different everytime. I lose you everytime, but it happens in different ways. Last night, you were on social media raving about your new boyfriend “Dean”. Im sure thats just metaphorical (but I hope you don’t know any Deans!)
After dreaming about you now, three nights in a row, I think my subconscious is trying to tell me I need to make things right with you. I really want to, I just don’t know what to say. The easy part is to say I am sorry for being mean to you and for yelling at you and cursing you out. You don’t deserve any of that even if I was (justifiably?) mad at you. There are better ways to manage my anger, and I hope you will be patient with me as I try to figure them out.
The harder part is telling you how I really feel right now. I think the simplest way I can describe is that I am scared. Im scared that the life that I worked so hard for and sacrificed for over the last ten years is gone now. Like the last decade of my life meant nothing. Im scared that I just put my personal life on pause, and I don’t know if thats something you can really do. Life goes on even if Im on hiatus. How fast and far can I run before the messes of my life catch up to me?
Im scared that I don’t mean anything to you. At least I feel that way sometimes. Its such an empty feeling, just total worthlessness. For me, family is the most important thing. But youre a really close second baby. I hope you know that. The thought that your life without me in it is just fine to you is unbearable to me. I need you, but I also need you to need me. Maybe that doesnt sound good, I don’t really know, but its true. I want to take care of you and help you with all of your own problems, but I don’t know how, because I feel like I don’t know anything going on in your life. It just feels like you don’t need me, and maybe thats true, you’ve always been stronger than me, but it just makes me a little sad.
Honestly baby, I don’t know what the future holds for me. Maybe Ill be back in the fall, maybe never again. Youre the only thing there with any pull on me still. And I just feel like, deep down, if I can be with you, everything else will be ok too, because Ill have you and nothing else will matter much. And those problems that still arise, we’ll be side by side and can tackle them together. At least that what I see in my minds eye.
Baby, I need more of you. Promise if I reach out you will take my hand and accept me? I just want to be a small part of your life again, to have some access to your daily life.