• A year after you lose the only person who made you realise what being alive feels like

    by  • March 22, 2018 • To You • 1 Comment

    No matter how many letters I write to you, I’ll never finish everything I have to say. You just won’t leave this heart and mind…it’s not that it’s hard for me to make you leave, I just don’t have the heart to do it…I think I might be in love with you. I know you’ll be scared to hear it, but it is true. My being, the part of me that is not my conscious self, thinks of you as someone would of their child. I want to just see you happy, no matter where you go. I want to shield you from anything and everything that is bad in the world. I’d die for you, if it means your safety, survival and happiness. I can’t get angry at you for long because I understand exactly how your heart and mind works. They speak to me through your eyes. It’s been almost 3-4 months since you started ignoring me and I stopped texting back. We’re strangers now, and in such a short while too…It’s almost funny how the wall we’ve established between us is actually so weak yet so daunting that neither of us would try to breach it…when both of us want to… Yet, even after all these months, thoughts of you have literally crossed my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY. Whether you’re well or not, whether you’re happy or not, what would you have told me when I’m stuck in a situation…and most of the times just missing your presence in my life. If this is not love, I don’t know what is.
    It’s funny dude, how I’ve said I love you to someone when I didn’t mean or understand it, but I can’t say it when holding it inside kills me everyday. Us getting back together right now is just gonna be another round of your indecision, anxiety and confusion; and my restlessness, depression and need for attention. I know now that I will never be able to let you go. I’ll always love you… Maybe I’ll find someone and I might love her more than you, but the love I have for you is almost a mathematical constant in this universe of mine. It won’t change… But I certainly hope that the said new person ends up being the next upgraded version of your own self.
    Life sure is a bitch.

    Damn, am I good at writing or what! 😛 Well, it’s been almost 8 months now… You still are the first thought on my mind when I wake up and the last thought on my mind before I go to sleep. My work keeps you at bay for the rest of the day, but you’re always there, knocking on the door. You’re becoming a distraction now. I’ve still not learnt to let you go, just learnt to accept the fact that you’re not in my life anymore and learnt to live without you. I guess time never heals wounds, it just makes you get used to the pain. Buddha said that there are 3 things in life that define you. How gently you lived, how greatly you loved and how gracefully you let go of things that didn’t belong to you. I’m pretty good at the first two but a sucker at the third. Just. Can’t. Let. Go. But I’m trying my best, and learning too. In the process I have imbibed a lot of positivity of my old self. The carefree, happy-go-lucky optimistic kid. I’m out of the depression that kept hacking away at every good thing in my life. I’ve learnt to let go of all the bad things that happened to me. I’ve learnt to accept the darkness within me, not a stain I gained from the world around, but a seed that was always within me. Circumstances just helped me water it. That seed grew into a wild tree, which I have trimmed and controlled now. The darkness makes me cautious, careful and in a certain way threatening. Good for life, as long as it is kept under control. Haha, it’s like I’ve finally made peace with my demons, we’re on the same side now!

    This just might be the last thing I’d write to you as someone more than just an old friend. I have let you go now. I have come to accept your absence from my life. I guess some people are never meant to stay, they’re just there to teach you a couple of things, and show you your place, and that you did excellently. The times we spent together will be etched on my mind till my last breath, I’m sure of that. All the way from the first time we met, to the first kiss, the camping in the woods, the dance lesson we took together, the countless nights we stayed up just talking about our dreams, aspirations, fears and just about anything…and especially waking up to you in my arms… I’ll never forget them. Thanks for teaching me how to laugh and to live again. I had forgotten that. And thanks for teaching me how to cry again. I had forgotten that too…. We made the right decision by separating…you never loved me the way I did, and instead of my obsession getting even stronger, it was important for me to break it and focus on the big picture of life. I have found my direction now, and I’m gonna let it consume me. I know you don’t believe in what I say, but hey, I’ll do whatever I’ve said I’ll do. I made a hell lot of mistakes too, and the heartbreak really helped me to clearly see my flaws and work on them. You weren’t the only one responsible for our failure, we both equally were. You see, the problem was not that we are way too different…problem was that we are way too similar to be happy together… its only on the outside that we appear to be different. If you would’ve understood the child in me, you would’ve seen how very similar we are. That’s why I called us two sides of the same coin. Fuck it, I’ll just leave things here. There is still so much I want to say to you. There will always be. A lifetime is not enough to finish expressing everything I feel about you, my friend, my child, my sister, my mother, my teacher…you encompassed the good aspects of every relationship, it has not been easy to accept that all the dreams I wove were a lie. You’ll always be someone I want to compete with… After all, that was one of the biggest reason I fell in love with you. Goodbye old friend… Here’s where we finally go our own separate ways. I hope to see you in the next league, either as a friend or a competitor I don’t know, but I’d sure like to match my wits against yours one more time…. Take care of yourself for the sake of your family. I hope you find your peace. Goodbye beautiful. :-*

    Well, Here I am again. Why do I still wake up thinking about you? It ends up ruining my entire day… I want to hate you, but sadly I don’t know what it means to hate anyone at all. And you, my heart would never allow for that anyway. I know that the reality was that you never loved me, I was just another harbour you would anchor your ship at before moving on… but your absence haunts me to this very day. Damn it’s been 9 months. My mother keeps talking about the girl I would probably marry one day soon. I don’t think I’ll marry, don’t want to do injustice to another person because I gave my heart away to the wrong person. And the way you’ve been ignoring and insulting me…It just adds on to the pain like a heavy brick. I thought I was done being used by others… why did YOU of all people have to do that? Use me and throw me away like I meant nothing? I promised to be there for you always. I still keep my promise. You promised to never let me be alone. But here I stand. All alone as always. I’ve decided not to go back to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. It pricks even more now that I am sober. Fuck you PJ. I hope I never see your face again.

    Peace be to that little guy who kept carrying the mountains he was only supposed to climb. Back in October I thought I had so happily let you go. But shit went down, and I was just so…. lonely…. and my sub-conscience went back to pining for you. This time though, My conscious self had become mentally stronger, and was punishing the sub-conscience for falling back on a decision I had made. Hence the hate that spewed out. Damn, I even said I don’t wanna see your face again. Wow. I can imagine how much pain I would’ve been in to say that… and to you… I’ve apologized to myself for that, and I have forgiven myself for that. See, the problem with me wasn’t that no one understood me, or that I couldn’t let go of you. Problem was that I couldn’t forgive myself and my flaws. I didn’t understand myself as much as I understand other people. That was it. The theory of everything, the arch-stone to the bridge that was my life’s problems. Everything including my loneliness stemmed from that fact and that fact only. This definitely is a key turning point in a person;s life man. You know when you’re an adult when you learn to live with yourself…happily.
    I’m in Pune right now. In the last year, everytime I’ve come to Pune I’ve just been super depressed. ALL my memories that I care to remember about this place are with you. And it’s such a small city too. I keep meeting a memory of you everyday as I go around town. Few days ago, I came across the same wedding hall where your friend got married when we traveled here. The same hall I waited outside for you, weaving up dreams about how we’ll end up together one day. I was afraid of everything that would trigger after seeing that place, but something magical happened. I felt happy. Like seriously, I just felt at peace with the entire universe… It felt as if the moment was just perfect. All the events of my life that had led me to that moment, just felt so correct. And I could only feel pride in everything we had achieved dude. The things we had done for each other, and how we had grown with each other. I felt fucking proud that when I loved, I loved like there’s no tomorrow! I gave it my all, my heart and sole, my blood, sweat and tears. And fuck yeah I’m proud of what I had done, even though it failed.
    Everything around me is still burning to the ground. My health, the company, my family….. but you know what? FINALLY I’m not a child anymore. I’ve strengthened myself enough to face it like a man and get out of my problems. I don’t feel lonely anymore, because I have ME for company!!!! Isn’t that the best company ever? B) I have finally learnt to let go. And for good.
    And the best part of all PJ, I’m able to love again. Not just romantic love, but love in general. I told you once that there’s only a few things I’m good at in life. I can learn, I can love and I can give. Without love, giving loses all meaning. And without giving, I can’t be at peace at all. Now that I’ve been able to forgive myself, I’m also more able to give freely. Because I’m able to love freely. And this time, I’m stronger. Even if people hurt me, I’ll still keep loving the world. Because that’s what makes me ME. I feel so light-hearted…. damn… Finally all the years of suffering has some meaning. I knew I’d learn something at the end of it if I kept going on. And this was it. Learning to live with yourself, being your own best friend. But PJ, you’re still my 2nd best friend! Dude I still love you… yes the romantic aspect of it is dead, but you are so much more to me than just an ex…. you’re family. I think of you the same way i think of my parents, or I’d think of my children. You came into my life and just changed everything, even though it wasn’t by design. You are the universe’s gift to me and I don’t know how NOT to love you. I know you want to keep your distance, and I won’t come in between that. I just hope that some day we can meet as friends and talk freely about everything. Coz dude, I want to share everything I’ve learnt and how I’ve grown with my family!

    One Response to A year after you lose the only person who made you realise what being alive feels like

    1. A
      March 24, 2018 at 11:27 pm


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