• Why me?

    by  • March 17, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, Help • 5 Comments

    I don’t know how to feel right now. It’s a long story. I have a young son and am pregnant with my second. My fiancé is the father of both children. He has issues stemming from childhood and his previous relationship; they were married a few months and she cheated on him.

    He shuts down all the time. Ignores me. calls me names. Leaves me. Lets me do everything for our son. He doesn’t work right now, and I am a stay at home mother. I get up with our son every single day. His dad has never been up with him. He can wake up at 12pm and thinks that is ok. I bring him coffee every single morning, and never get it back because I don’t get to wake up whenever I want. I’ve stressed to him a lot of times that I could do with some help. Or more sleep. I’m growing another baby and it can get exhausting. It would be different if he was working, but he’s not. If we need to go out, he gets up 10 minutes before we have to leave the house. Puts on some clothes and deodorant. That’s it. His personal hygiene is bad. He showers once a week if i’m lucky. Never ever washes his hands. Brushes his teeth maybe three times a year, if that. The last time he did it was over 6 months ago.

    He’s depressed with not working and having no money etc. He’s got plenty of experience and qualifications but nowhere is paying decent. I suffered from post-natal depression after the birth of our son. I still did everything. I came home from hospital the day after giving birth and I still cooked dinner that night. He complains when I go to bed too early. He complains that I don’t watch much tv.

    He complains about the food that I cook. I mainly do convenience food because it’s cheaper, quicker and I hate cooking. He has never cooked a meal for me in the 2.5 years we have been together. He gets jealous over people I follow on social media. To the point where I unfollow. To the point where I deleted facebook over a year ago.

    I don’t really know who I am anymore. I’m not the girl I used to be and that hurts. I love our son and this unborn baby more than anything, and I know I would be able to do it on my own. I pretty much do anyway. I worry about money, but don’t we all? I worry what would happen if I left him. He told me he would kill himself if I did because he has NOBODY ELSE (this is true) or would have literally nowhere to go but stay in his car.

    He has told me numerous times that he doesn’t trust me (I cheated on my ex, who cheated on me at least twice). He said he thinks I am a serial cheat and even accused me of sleeping with an old classmate a few months ago. He’s also told me that I am the reason he has nothing. He had two dogs when I met him and I was left to feed them and get up at 7am with them every morning when I was pregnant with our son and needed my sleep. I was left to vacuum up after them. When our son was born, he gave the bigger dog to his friend and saw her a lot. I couldn’t handle her (and a newborn). She was far too big and excitable for me. I couldn’t look after two dogs and a newborn. We kept the smaller dog and I still looked after him and the newborn. This dog was put to sleep last year due to cancer slowly killing him. Now I’m told that it’s my fault that he has nothing.

    He woke up this morning and was pissed off with me. I asked why and he said ‘because in my dream, you flirted with another guy so I slapped you across the face and left you’. I was taken aback by this.

    I can’t handle it anymore. The accusations, the arguments, the gaslighting, leaving me, the ignoring. All of it. I’m made to feel selfish if I have an opinion. I feel worthless, useless.

    5 Responses to Why me?

    1. Oh no no no
      March 18, 2018 at 1:28 pm

      Fuck this piece of shit loser! You need to show this ungrateful waste what “having nothing” actually looks like.

    2. yeah, another one
      March 18, 2018 at 3:52 pm

      After all pregnant with the second. Congrats, under those circumstances the best choice ever.

    3. Lc
      March 18, 2018 at 9:41 pm

      Did you see someone for your post-natal depression? If so go back and see them and tell them about what is happening in your relationship. If not, seek out a reference through your obgyn.

      Your children cannot thrive unless you thrive and you are not thriving now in this relationship. Please use whatever help and support you can find to assess the situation and figure out what you need to do.

    4. Ultimatum
      March 19, 2018 at 7:53 pm

      Give him an ultimatum…not in an angry way but in a way that lets him know that you’re exhausted and need a change. Tell him everything that needs to change. Don’t hold back on any of that…but do it in a way that’s encouraging…letting him know that if he is willing to change you will be there to support him and you’ll be a team again.
      It’s not fair or healthy for you to take on all of that burden essentially by yourself. Don’t leave him without at least giving him a chance. Others might tell you to leave him but you’ve built up a life together..that life together seems to be broken right now but that doesn’t mean it’s hopeless. He really needs to change. If you’re the only one he has and if he loves you he’ll be willing to change.

      Tell him he doesn’t need to change all of those things right away. It might feel a bit elementary but give him a weekly goal.

      Week one: He has to help you cook dinner every night OR cook one full meal for everyone by himself.

      Week two: He has to take out the trash. All of it.

      Week three: He has to wake up before 10am every day.

      These are just some examples.

      I hope this is helpful!

      Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path”

    5. Cindy
      March 20, 2018 at 1:17 pm

      I’m so sorry you are in such a difficult situation like this. You must be so exhausted. You give all day and all night. You never get a chance to rest. You have nobody to lean on.
      I know you are a good mother, and will always put your children’s safety and happiness as your first priority when you can. If your partner is not supporting you, then he is dragging you down. You don’t mention that you truly love him. If you do not love him, then you must put yourself and your children first above his needs. He is ultimately responsible for himself. You have two dependants. Be strong and think very hard about what type of role model he will be for them as they grow. Is it really best for them to live with him like this?
      Good luck.

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