I know you’ll never read this, and thats probably just as well. I’m writing this now, selfishly, to dispel my own guilt about the way I’ve treated you. I’ve been thinking about that alot, and how my relationship with you correlates to my relationships with the opposite sex in general. I would apologize, but I already have so many times for different things, and I think we both know that if you came back into my life again, things would probably end the same way they always do.
I remember we first started talking because my roommate had a crush on you, and I told him I would try to become friends with you to be able to introduce you two. Well, we hit it off pretty fast. We didn’t have a ton in common, but we were both silly and, I think, looking for a friend. I remember we started sitting next to each other in class and going to the campus gift store afterwards for candy. We talked often, and eventually became best friends. At least, you were my best friend for a time. But we’ve never been able to stay friends for very long, and I think you deserve to know why, aka I just want to get it off my chest.
As I am sure you are quite aware, you had a reputation in high school. Not like me, my reputation for being late to class and for making jokes nobody laughed at (even though they were funny). No, you had a reputation as a major slut, particularly with the baseball team. I’m not saying that to be mean, its just, I never really talked to you about that or how it made me feel as your friend. I was still a virgin at the time, and, while I truly did think of you as a friend, you were also a girl, and maybe part of me thought you would be my first girlfriend, not just first girl-friend. I wasn’t in love with you by any means, but I did feel protective of you as my friend. And so, I never minded that you fell asleep on me and drooled all over me everyday in English, but then when I would gently move your head off my shoulder to go to the bathroom and read about on the wall what great head you gave, that would bother me quite a bit. Of course, high school guys, being what they are, it was easy to be skeptical. But I know you were with some of the older guys, and I know you fucked some of my friends too. As we became closer, they made sure to let me know.
Still we remained good friends through the end of the semester. Then you got kicked out, or left, Im not really sure, you just werent at school anymore. With one semester to go til graduation you just left me. Shortly thereafter I started talking to P, who you used to be good friends with too. I don’t know whether I should consider her my first girlfriend or not. We didn’t ever do anything, never even kissed, just talked alot. Same as you and me I guess, but it was definitely different. We acted like we were dating, whether or not we really were, and we talked on the phone alot, whereas you and I usually chatted on MSN. After all the times I had listened to your various problems with guys, I didn’t really feel like you were there for me when things went sour with her. I didn’t have anyone to talk to that night when she told me she was hooking up with her friend, another girl, and that she was a lesbian. So I got drunk instead, for the very first time.
We reconnected after that. I tried to help you get into a good college. You promised you were going to go to school close to me. But you didn’t, not immediately at least. So when I went off to college, I was truly alone, without a friend for 1000 miles. We continued talking throughout freshman year; you had a kid around then while I still had no success with women. Sophomore year I started dating my real first girlfriend. She was, understandably, uncomfortable with our relationship, and so we stopped talking. After that relationship went belly up, we started talking again. You made me promise you that we would get married if we were both still single at 30. I know that was just a joke, and I never took it seriously, plus I don’t think you’ve ever truly been single since Ive known you, but that definitely made an impression on me. You knew me better than anyone else and you were certainly my best friend. When I told you I loved you, I meant it. Not as like a boyfriend or lover or anything, but just as one human being who really cared about another.
You came up to visit me one time, and I think we were about to have sex. I got nervous, or maybe we both did and nothing happened. But after that, I started thinking of you differently. You werent the girl I endlessly supported that everyone else fucked anymore, you would be the girl I fucked while everyone else could take a turn in supporting you. That sounds awful, but its how I felt at the time, and it probably at least partially explains why in our next fight I said something to the effect that all you were to me was holes to fill. That wasn’t true, but I guess Ive been angry at you for so long and you’ve always been such an easy target for me to hurt. Needless to say, we didn’t talk for years after that.
In the interim, I fell in love with someone. You again werent there for me when that girl also told me she was lesbian, although I guess that was my fault you didn’t want to talk to me. Just like the time before, I got really drunk instead, for like the next 5 years. I briefly started talking to another girl, guess what, another lesbian. Pretty sure that ended up being my reputation, falling for gay women. I honestly think that the third one said that just because she undoubtedly knew about my feelings for the second, and just wanted to fuck with me. Mission successful. Since my breakup in college, I have been single the whole time. And not because I want to be.
And then, you reconnected with me. I mean I had apologized sincerely for my previous outburst, as I have with all of them, but it seemed pretty clear to me that was the end for us. But you came back again. And I was happy to talk with you, but I just didn’t understand the timing of it all. Particularly when I asked how you had been and you told me you got married like 3 months before. Seriously, what the fuck was that? Were you trying to rub my face in that shit? Like, ‘look I’ve got myself another man and you’re still alone and miserable’? Did you just want to let me know our married by 30 pact is off? If you had had plans to reconnect, did you ever consider maybe I would have liked to have come to your wedding? I know we haven’t been close in many years, but I also know there was a time when I supported you more than anyone else in the world, believed in you and your potential even when you didn’t yourself.
Well, that’s why I got drunk and told you that you represent everything I detest about women. Just because I’m so angry. And as much as I care about you, or used to care about you, its was always so fucking hard being happy for you when I always felt like such a pathetic loser. So I am sorry that I was not more supportive of you when you got your life together and started to create the successful life you have today. You have a marriage, a child, a career you love, and I have, well, nothing. It should have never been a competition between us, who was happier, but its been that way for me for a long time and I just got tired of always losing. Once again, I am quite confident I pissed away any chance for us to be friends, but I want you to know that I do want you to be happy and to have a wonderful life.
Your scheming friend,