The last time I left my house, the house I’m living in was two days ago at quarter past eleven at night to go shopping and buy food for the next few days. Before that the last time I left my house was Wednesday now four days ago. I haven’t been at work since Tuesday despite it being the only motivating thing currently in my life. Last night I used a depression chat line to talk to someone and although the woman was nice I found it useless. Useless because I know why I’m depressed and I know the solutions but I can’t find the effort to change my conditions. Just a second ago I sent my mum a text telling her that I think I’m depressed. My closest friend lives an hour from me and all the rest live 9 hours from me. I don’t have the money or self-assurance to visit my problems upon them.
I decided to write this down because I looked in the mirror after sneaking down to eat at half past three in the morning. I felt small and weak and wasted, at this point although I know what I’m capable of I also don’t believe in my ability to control my own life. I feel ashamed around my roommates because I feel they judge my laziness. On Wednesday night I visited my housemate’s family, the family have two young children 12 and 2. At home I have cousins the same age and leaving their home I felt lonely and isolated from my own family. I want to see my little cousin again. This I think though is only part of the reason I sleep twelve hours a day avoid work and human contact and am slowly failing in all my goals. The main reason I believe is my lack of motivation and therefore distraction from my thoughts. If I spent my whole days working I don’t think I would feel this way or exercising or writing or fucking or talking or walking. Anything would be a distraction but lying in my bed alone falling through hours of media I don’t give a shit about. I hope my mum responds well and doesn’t get scared, I think she trusts me to look after myself in the physical sense. I used to cook fresh meals every day when I got home from work, then I would go to the gym for maybe an hour, watch an episode of something as I ate at night and go to bed around 11. I would never be tired though and this lead to me being constantly tired in the mornings which led into missing days of work. My work is not strict on the days I go in or more to say they are not aware of the days I miss because I am not important. I hate the fact I contribute nothing to my work and it deflates all my sense of purpose, why should I go into work when I know that I am not needed, and I know that I will not learn anything. So high is my want to please others that if I had someone to disappoint I would probably be in early every day. But nobody cares so why should I care. Although I really want to care, I think in the long term I do care and looking back at myself I do care but fuck me when its in the moment between laying in bed feeling sorry for myself and going to work to feel sorry for myself while busying away at shit I don’t need to do id rather just lay in my bed.
I also miss dating and at this point I will take anything, I don’t miss sex as much as I miss connection and having someone to speak to. I struggle to connect to other men because I don’t believe I relate well to other men. I feel uncomfortable revealing my feeling to anyone I am not romantically involved with. That will have been close to a year ago now.
the woman on the depression chat line said this is what she does to help deal with her emotions. I spoke to a woman specifically because like I said I don’t like expressing my emotions to men. I also hope my mother doesn’t tell my dad what I text her. He will think less of me in a way, but it might also make him think of me as a bit less cold. Or maybe more, or he might not believe me. I hope my mum doesn’t want me to explain my depression and I don’t know what I really want from her. Financial support will not help me, and I can’t afford the time from work to visit her. My work might give me it, but they might begrudge giving me my holidays later. I don’t want to see a doctor because I don’t want this confirmed and I don’t want this to be a big deal. I don’t know who I can talk to about this that won’t tell others, but I don’t want an expert and I don’t want someone I don’t trust. But everyone I trust I’m ashamed to tell.
I love Laura and maybe I could talk to her, she is smart and understanding but I like the way she sees me now without vulnerability. As a strong person emotionally, a smart rational maybe a little cold man. Although by sharing this we might become closer as friends I believe she would find me less attractive. Again, I guess I don’t want to seem weak.
It keeps going back to that, seeming weak or vulnerable. I guess that’s how I see depression and mental illness. Not like a cold anyone can catch but as something people push themselves into and aren’t strong enough to avoid, I wasn’t strong enough to avoid it, I don’t have the drive to get myself out of it. What the fuck am I writing this for I like the idea of blogging but whenever I get an idea it goes to shit two thirds of the way in or after my first try. I probably already have a blog with half an entry from 8 years ago designed quite well but with no content because I struggle t go through with anything. Maybe I should use a self-help method but then I have always thought they were bullshit and I can’t just snap change all my opinions in a month on the realisation I’m depressed and I’m one of them weak sorry fucks. No offense intended if I post this anonymously on a random chat room.
A girl I met in a club three weeks ago texted me earlier today, I got a new phone and her number went missing. really, I’m scared to meet her because I don’t meet many people anymore and I don’t want any social assurance that iv become strange or in any way shape or form unwanted. I don’t remember at all what she looked like but that she was a good kisser and had soft hands. I think she smelled nice as well, I find I strange I remember these small details, but I cannot remember her face. I will go meet her if I can almost as an experiment maybe to see how I do though rejection may set me into another small depression loop. I’m also a bit worried that I won’t find her attractive as I find it hard to reject other people, I was very drunk when I met her though she would not have noticed. Despite my many flaws I’m one of the rare few people that can pull a straight back, a smile and a dead straight walk while drowning in my own jaeger induced vomit. And there I go depressed but boasting. I think I can explain that, but I won’t try as it’s probably a lie.
I think I will post this online maybe just to take some insults as I savour a good argument, I spoke about his with the woman yesterday, but self-depreciation and negativity is the basis for most humour. Happy shit isn’t funny.
comments are welcome