• To You

    by  • February 23, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    I know the minute you read this you’re going to text me and ask if it’s me, so yes JEG, it is…
    It hurts so damn bad, worse than I had ever anticipated..
    Then again, I didn’t anticipate much, since we promised each other always.
    It’s funny, you aren’t mine anymore, but in a twisted and sadistic way, I’m still yours. You still hold my heart in your hands, regardless of what you think, you know I still love you more than anything.
    I should have been better, I know…
    I should have made you happier, done more for you to love me in the way I needed, loved you more, taken better care of you and just been there for you. But now I know and realize there really was no hope after all…
    When did you realize it…? That you don’t love me the way I love you…?
    It’s going to suck..
    Your hugs make me feel safe and at home.
    Your hand in mine reminds me that I’m not alone.
    Your cuddles calm me down.
    Hell, just talking to you everyday pulls me back from the edge.
    But we aren’t a “thing” anymore…
    A thing.. That’s what you call a relationship during the first month… not ten months in…
    Learning those songs for our one year down the drain..
    Now it’s sitting in a practice room sobbing while playing what was our song.
    Tears filling my eyes when I hear love songs on the radio.
    Having to tell my friends what happened because I’m on the verge of tears at lunch.
    Asking Ethan to take care of you and make sure you’re okay.
    You pushing me away and becoming cold and distant…
    You said I was your best friend….
    What happened to that….
    Sitting here in your hoodie, watching Beauty and the Beast, thinking of one of our first dates, granted your mom was there…
    Our “first” date… damn..
    You showed up looking cute as hell, nervous to talk to my mother who you soon grew to think of as family..
    We went to the restaurants and then to go mini golf.. You teased me so much.. After that we went to 7/11 and you got coffee. Before you dropped me off we went to the high school’s junior lot, trying to think of what else to do and I kissed you, I’m pretty sure that was the night I realized just how in love with you I was.. How in love with you I am..
    I miss you so fucking much J.. you don’t even know how bad it is.. When I’m with my friends I’m better due to distraction, but when I’m not talking to them, or I’m alone at home… it feels like I’m drowning.. The box of notes, small things, and my birthday gifts tucked safely under my bed… If I opened it I’m sure I would sob more than I have in the past three days…
    It’s like a huge hole is in my chest, and there’s nothing to fix it…
    I was, and am head over heels in love with you JEG, and I don’t think I’ll ever not love you, regardless of who you end up with, be it “him” or someone new, I hope you’re happy and that they love you even more than I did.
    I will forever love you.
    – JAM

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