I wanted to express my gratitude to you, and this is the best way.
Thank you for not saying happy birthday last week. That may sound sarcastic but it’s not. It did affect me, if it was intentional like I suspect, but probably not in the way you intended. It was exactly what I needed, and it helped me finally get where I needed to be.
Thank you for not changing at all, for still giving me your special brand of cold silence at the predictable times, and for keeping up the manipulative efforts, even in my warmest moments (I know those are your favorite).
Thank you for taking the opportunity to emphasize, in the midst of our forgiveness conversations, that the way it ended was not good for you. (I think you were referring to me feeling hurt after you deceived me and promptly removing myself from your line of fire?) I’m glad you clarified that you don’t blame me for it, though. I was really worried about that. I admit that part was sarcastic.
Speaking of worry, I know how much you were worried about me when I was in the hospital, because of the fact that you never said one thing to me afterward. (To clarify, I am aware you were indifferent about what I went through, another blessing in disguise.) I am appreciative you were so self-absorbed and seemingly incapable of empathy, back then and always. Treating me like less than a person when it was life or death was probably one of your most gracious moves, as far as long-term impact. Your consistency of character in such a crucial moment made it easier for me to see you for who you really were, to separate fact from fiction, and to get my life back together.
My concern for you lately was genuine, though, as it always was, and I’m glad that I had the opportunity to show you love and forgive you, the way I used to wish you had done for me… before I accepted it would never happen.
I already took responsibility for my wrongs, apologized (far too much, I now realize), and went out of my way to move past this. For me, it’s never been about balancing the scales. I know that is a foreign concept to you. Unlike the old me, I understand that expectations and boundaries are two separate things, so I have fewer of the first and more of the second. I hope you realize that me cutting you off permanently is the best boundary I can have for myself, and why. You said you completely understand, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
I’m writing because I thought it was time to speak up finally, to exercise some compassion on my own behalf. I do have some left these days, despite how much you siphoned from me. I now reserve my heart for the people in my life who are capable of giving, too. Who are genuine, honest, and loving. There are tons of people like that in the world, and if you would stop seeing them as objects that exist for your benefit or competition you need to destroy, you might learn something about how to have a real relationship. I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but the truth is not always pleasant.
I am proud of myself for coming back from something so difficult. Many people don’t get the outcome I did. I won’t get into specifics, as I put that all behind me. I don’t consider myself a victim, as that has always been your preferred role, and I would never try to take it from you. I hope that someday you can finally see who is responsible for all the misery in your life, for the failed relationships and people “giving up on you.” (Hint: it’s not me, and it’s not “them.”)
It will never be me, and I hope that has finally sank in all the way. I am happy where I am, and much better off. What we had was not real, because you were not real. That was your choice, and the way you live your life is your choice. The consequences are only yours, and you can keep them. I don’t agree with your version of things anymore. Good luck with everything.
-if you know it’s you, you’ll know it’s me