• Rough days

    by  • February 19, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, Grief • 0 Comments

    I keep telling myself I’m okay, that I’m stronger than this. You raised me to be strong, brave and independent. I think I do rather well getting those messages across to those who know me. But you forgot to show me how I’m supposed to handle life on the really rough days. The days you used to always be there for. The days you made me get out of bed, bright and early even if it was to just sit on the couch all day with you. You made sure I ate and rested when it was the last things I wanted to do. You cared and loved me even when I was a complete bitch sometimes.
    On those days that I don’t seem to know what to do, I think of you. I think of all the times I came home to you. You accepted my tears without a word, held me as I curled up beside you with my head on your lap as you hummed or sang me to sleep. I always felt a million times better spending time with you.
    I miss your smile. I miss you laugh. I miss the devilish smirk you had when you were about to pull a fast one on someone. I miss your voice and tsks. I miss seeing you in the window waiting for me to get home. I miss you. I miss your presence. You were my favourite person in the world and I would have given you everything in me for one more day, one more moment, one more word. Just one more of anything.
    I know you’re always with me, in my heart and in all the little things in the world that remind me of you but it’s not the same. You were my partner in crime. I understand that you lived the best life and a goddamn fulfilling one but, (and this may seem selfish) you missed all my big moments. I wanted you there for my big moments. I want to see your face smiling up at me when I graduated. I’ve only gotten this far because you pushed me to make the best of my life and opportunities. I know I can do it all without you, that’s how you raised me. But if I’m totally honest, I don’t want to and it hurts so much on those bad days that only you knew how to cheer me up or comfort me.
    I’m getting a lot of those rough days lately. I’m sorry if I’m letting you down but I’m trying my best but it all seems so much harder sometimes without you. I have special people that try to help but sometimes it’s just a wee bit easier if they don’t know.
    All in all, I just want to say that aside from the rough days, i’m okay. I’m slowly getting to where I want to be and I do it all because of you.
    I love you so much it hurts and I miss you so much more. xoxo.

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