This year has been unkind so far.. I’m aware my petty complaints fall mostly on uncaring ears. My complaints are minimal next to real world problems of death and loss, of pain and heartache. In an effort to comprehend how little it matters in the world I’ll put them out their to drive home the nihilism. As a male over 40 you’d think I’d have my shit locked down by now. A father of 5 means my life is not my own anymore, so ideas of checking out and removing myself are selfish at best. I struggle still with my identity as a man. I wake and follow routine that is expected of me. I sit behind my eyes and just exist. I work, show up early for others because I have nothing else to do. I work long hours and many days so I give an appearance. I escape by means of PlayStation and Netflix crowding out thoughts by unthinking actions. I get dressed after a shower and go about what is preordained. I despise having days off because the mask is harder to hold up. I pretend to have interests and obsessions so people can identify me. I feel empty and a failure when measuring myself against others. Now after retreading all this I see no point in going on with it. Sorry to waste your time.