I know that I am 2 different people with you. But please try to see it from my perspective. Please understand that I don’t know how to act with you, because I don’t know what you want.
Tonight, you left the room and said faintly, “I tried.” Yes, I felt like that was directed towards me.
I feel sometimes like I need to entertain you. It’s crap, really. I could be alone with you in silence for hours just listening to you play, and I am at peace.
I did enjoy speaking with you last night. I do enjoy being fully vulnerable and unveiled by you. You are the only one who can do that to me. That’s so seductive, because I can see myself with you. No. Not like that. Well yes, if you’d have me. But what I meant was that you show me the me that I hide from myself and it isn’t fair. Because now you hide from me to. So I suppose I should take that as yet another sign that we just aren’t meant to be.
Forget the idea that we share the same dreams. Forget the idea that you are my TF. Forget the notion that we have so much in common we could be the same person, if we were not different genders. Forget that I can not stay away.
Because I can. I will.
I know I show you nothing when the sun is out and at night, when I feel safe, I wish for you to reach out. You don’t. And when I do, I’m ignored.
I don’t know what you want. Do I need to entertain you? If so, go find another. Please. Because I am no longer an entertainer. I am sad. Too sad to entertain.
I miss you, my Dearest Friend. But you have to find a way. Find some way to overcome your fears. Please. Show me your feelings, if you have any.
I will never let go of the hope I have for you. I have tried. The only way is to extricate you from my life. That will only happen by your choice. I will continue to live in sadness if it means that I get to enjoy your love. (in whatever capacity you choose to give it)
I love you. I always will.
I am so glad that you are feeling better. And I hope that you forgive me.