This letter will probably never reach you….. I know how it feels to receive long letters… unless it’s from someone you care deeply about, it would merely be a burden to read and take in…….
When I said I loved you. I… really don’t think it was hasty, that I was just in love with the idea than with you. I know you may think it was too soon. But I really did and do feel I like every part of you. As a person. Not as an image i have of you in my head. I look back and i know you said I shouldn’t try to change you. And you are right. Nothing about you made me like you any less. I was being selfish in wanting you to change, especially when the things I wanted from you don’t even matter. I was being selfish and took your love for granted. When you said your back hurts, numerous times I think I acted frustrated. But that’s not how I really felt towards you. I felt frustrated with myself not being able to help you and see you get better. Then later on I probably got a little numb to it.
My love was irrational and overbearing. It shouldn’t be like this. My idea of love in my mind didn’t align at all with how I executed it with you.
I think the breakup was actually good for me. And you were right to break up with me. It made me think hard on all of my emotions. My actions. How we treated each other. How i perceived things. And the reason behind my behaviours and why I acted counter to my feelings.
I think I fell back into the model I had with my previous volatile relationships. Because for so many years that’s how we handled things. I ended them because I hated myself and hated how it weighed on us both. But I’m so used to that kind of way of doing things that at a moment of weakness that’s all I know how to handle conflict, stress and anger in a relationship.
Im sorry that night i behaved the way I did. I intentionally acted cold and awkward and took all the things from your condo. I stayed silent the whole night. I did it to cause you pain, in hopes that it will trigger you to face our problems, the problems that I one-sidedly perceived to have, the problems I one-sidedly created out of nowhere. And expected you to fix. While I was doing it, I was in pain. I had to pull myself together hard to continue my act, to pretend I don’t want to talk to you.
You were right about a lot of things. I couldn’t see it… and I can think of reasons such as being too afraid to lose you and such. But I think the problem lies deeper. I liked you very much. And felt loved by you. But I was afraid of finally actually finding love. Even though I’ve searched for love all my life. I’ve been hurt before. Not just by my past relationships but also people who claim they want relationships. I start to feel the need to build a defence to protect myself. And that pain is subconsciously associated with feelings of love and being loved. I unconsciously felt the need to test to see if this feeling is true. Which is exactly the kind of thing I hate. I couldn’t help but focus on little details to prove that love is not real. Put it under a microscope. And overlooked the good signs. When there’s no bone for my to pick. I felt the need to artificially create the opportunity for it to appear. And if it doesn’t I’m reassured. If even tiny bits don’t go my way. I magnifies the problem and feels safe in knowing that true love is all but a myth and I will be safe from getting hurt again. This is counter productive to my goals.
I hope you can give me another chance. I have thought about this hard. Not just simply what I want emotionally. But what it means for both of us. It is very hard to find someone willing to move forward together. The journey should be one to be enjoyed, in a comfortable pace and not rushed. It is the journey that matters, not the destination. I lost sight and kept thinking about the future and couldn’t focus on the moment.
I think because of my upbringing, that my parents were always more critical than supportive, that I tend to look at everything from a negative perspective first. If you can sort out the bad than what is left will only be the good. I adopt a more pessimistic view of things. Even when I know full well the bad doesn’t matter, or that the good is what’s important.
I really hope this letter doesn’t come across to you as me blabbering about my own selfish needs… it is hard to not sound self centred when I’m the playwright as well as my own audience. My own voice and mind are the only things present. I wanted to write this to say I value your needs as much as my own. And they shouldn’t be in competition against each. And I want to be able to put your needs above mine, because I love you. And this doesn’t even need to be reciprocal. Because if I love you I will feel joy to always include your needs as I plan things. If you have needs I cannot cope with or understand. I should respect them, as they are what make you unique, and cherish them as much as I cherish you.
Thank you for the good times you gave me. I only wish it could’ve gone on a bit longer.
I love you