• An important message: I need you hear this.

    by  • February 15, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    You know what, I don’t really know why I’m still waiting for you.
    I’m wasting my life.
    You’ve messed me around so much.
    Even right from the beginning you cut me out, I should have known better.
    You hurt me so much!
    I thought we had a connection.
    Yes I did wrong. I was desperate to see you. But actually when I think about it, why was that exactly?
    Well.. Maybe because you were outside my house, driving up and down, flashing your lights, beeping and waving.
    I know that I shouldn’t have kept messaging you. I really wanted to have a conversation with you, and I thought at the time that is what you wanted too.
    Is that not what that would have looked like to you if you were in my shoes?
    I’m completely confused by you. :/
    I really don’t know what to think anymore.
    I didn’t deserve to be treated how you behaved towards me. I don’t think you would treat anyone else like that & just to completely rub salt into it, I saw you having a long laugh and chat with someone else I know, same age as me. It was quite a while afterwards but it made me think actually.. You know what all this time you kept playing me and then telling me to go and yet you’ll happily give the time of day to someone else.

    I am really hurt by you & to be honest I do want an apology.
    I don’t think you realise how many times I have cried over you.
    On my 18th birthday, the only person I really wanted to see was you & I didn’t see you. I wished we could make amends so I could move on with my life.
    May as well say it, because it’s been quite a few years.
    I thought about that time when I think you walked up to my house and then walked away. Why did you do that?
    I also owe you an apology for how I behaved.
    I have been completely emotionally and physically scarred in the past and you somehow helped me to realise that I was worth something and I could do things with my life.
    Despite this, I can’t understand why till this day, you’re still messing me around.
    Why won’t you just either talk to me or just go away. Stop leaving me hanging by a thread. You know exactly that I feel for you so why are you continuing to do this me??
    I need you to tell me what you want to do or to back off and not come near me anymore. I really do.
    It took a lot of courage to pick up the phone that day and call you. I had no idea what you would say. I wanted to apologise for how I’d behaved. I didn’t expect you to forgive me. I just needed you to know that I was sorry. I didn’t get that chance. But I wanted to at least try and get through to you. Your physical actions and your words did not match up.
    I admit I shouldn’t have continued to message you, it wasn’t a good idea. But you know what, I was 16. I think if somebody behaved how you did towards you, I think you might also have been confused and wanted to get to the bottom of it.

    The interactions since suggest to me that it’s almost like you get some kick out of playing with my emotions and the knowledge that I still feel for you.
    Is it really just a game to you? Do you actually care for me at all?
    Has it always been a game?
    You know what, I’ve stuck to what you’ve wanted. I’ve not iniated any contact with you. I’ve not stood outside your house or gone up to your front door.
    I wouldn’t do that out of respect for you. Maybe you don’t have any respect for me.
    It seems to me that this is just a bit of fun to you and nothing else.
    If it’s more than that, then I suggest you let me know.
    I’m not playing games anymore, I’ve had enough.
    I’m never going to know, unless you tell me what to want from me.
    Surely you must understand that.
    Just please, please stop with the games now.

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