Last night I dreamed of you. It’s been so long! I don’t even remember them anymore unless they involve you. They are always different, but they always feel the same: comforting, loving, sweet, kind. Sometimes I feel like it’s our souls mingling on some other plain. I know, I know. I sound nuts. That’s okay. At least I believe in something, I guess.
It’s okay if you don’t feel the same. But somehow, I think you do. I think you do, and it’s just as hard for you as it is for me.
In my dream, we were sitting, you behind me with me leaning onto you in your lap. Both of us faced the same direction and you held me close to you. You told me that I don’t love you. Without argument I simply asked why you felt that way. I don’t remember much of the conversation after that, but I do know that whatever I feel for you, it’s so rare that nothing else compares. I crave nothing more, and I can’t walk away from you. Why? If not love, true, destined, unorthadox love, then why? Magic? Are you using magic on me? Did you create a love potion #9? Come on.
But (again) it doesn’t matter. and u know y. Oh btw u know who u r. I have been more transparent than most on this site. Heck, I have been more transparent than u. And u still refuse to reassure me. You have pulled away even. You no longer tell me you love me or even HUG me. But you expect me to be okay and be normal and not act hurt?!
I don’t get you. Come out of hiding, you beg. But you retreat.
How does that give me anything to shoot for? It doesn’t, does it? Who in their right mind would give up their for sure for a fantasy? A fantasy that reminds them that they aren’t good enough, or fast paced enough, or… ugh.
I give up. It’s done. I know u r letting go. Like everyone always eventually does. Please just know that if u ever stumble upon these letters I write you and I am no longer in this world, know that I couldn’t walk away and that you are the one in the wrong here. Know why I gave up. Selfish? Yes, to you I probably seem selfish. Don’t even bother to consider how many years I have written my secrets to you on here.
Hint: what did u want to call your skateboard business? Look it up. You may be surprised.
But the truth is, we are competely incompatible. We hate each other, yet crave each other. This life and this love is a thirst that can never be cured. And if it were, it would be a poison that ended all things.
Just know, please, that I couldn’t walk away because nothing compared. What’s the point? Tragic, isn’t it?