• I should be over you, but…

    by  • February 11, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    I am not sure what I’d do to you if I could do anything. I wanna yell at you for being a jerk but I knew that even before I fell hard for you. So I can’t even do that. I wanted to hold you in my arms and love you more than anyone’s ever loved any other person. That I know that is never going to happen. I wanna hate you because even if you’re all that I want, you are the last person I probably need. Why? Never be around a guy who makes you question your self-worth. I know I am stupid. It was beyond my control to resist falling for you. After that short trip we had together, all I could ever think of was you. I know you have your dreams and ambitions and I have mine. But for a moment, I was ready to sacrifice my dreams to build yours. You made me dream about us. I knew I shouldn’t have done that from the start. Like I said, it was beyond my control. You have the upper hand in this complicated scenario. I need you. I want you. I need you to make my life a little more meaningful than it is. You don’t need me to fulfill your dreams. You can replace me with some other girl and I guess you have already done that. I promised I wouldn’t question my worth but there is a huge problem with me that troubles me every time. I am neither this pretty or popular girl you can have an automatic crush on or this talented girl with enough prospects that you wanna hold along as you work on your ambitions. Funny thing is I thought I could be both. After crying and sobbing and blaming myself for everything, I’ve concluded that I am fine the way I am. I didn’t have to fall for someone who took everyone who worked for him for granted. I knew I’d be of no use to you someday. That time has finally come. Even after much preparedness for this anticipated outcome, I dont know why it hurts so bad. Why do I keep coming back to you? Today I had promised myself that I’d erase you from my mind and memories. That’s such a shame because I went out despite having no plans, just hoping I could catch a glimpse of you. Stupid thing is I actually got to meet you and you ignored me just as I had imagined. How long is it going to be like this? How long am I going to sense your presence from miles away? How long will I be longing to see you and then realize you dont care about me anymore? I know I should be thankful to you for giving a chance to me to look deep into myself. Despite that I wish I had met you under some other circumstances. I wish I had seen the crazy side of you first and disliked you from the beginning. I wish I didn’t have to be crying my eyes out while writing all this when you are probably busy with your grand plan that doesn’t even include a trace of me. I try to be strong and think you are the wrong guy and my immature feelings will leave someday. I try to ignore you but it is hard to do that when I know that you are around. Thank you for once being there for me. I dont even expect you to remember how hard I fought beside you to build what you wanted. I knew you weren’t gonna stay. I knew you would leave me wounded and confused.I know I brought this upon myself even though it was purely unintentional. But how badly I wish you were a better man. How badly I wish you lived by your words and promises. How badly I wish it could be us together. But that isn’t happeining in this lifetime. I could cry a river. I’d still not get you and even if I did, that would be the worst thing that could ever happen to my soul. You destroy me but I set myself on fire to keep you warm. I cut my flesh so that you dont go hungry. I wanna stop doing that. I think I’ve started to do that which is why I am of no use to you anymore. I wish you love that could change you to make a man I once desired. I wish you happiness. I am simply waiting for my tears to stop. I am waiting to be actually happy all by myself. I am waiting for the time it isn’t going to hurt anymore. Im waiting. All I can do is wait.

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