• Missing you

    by  • February 9, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, Thinking of you • 0 Comments

    Terry I have found that God is to busy right now to help or pay attention to me I have lost the strength to fight I have had to much happen to me for one person to keep going I have lost my love I have lost my health I have lost my will to live.I can’t fight alone anymore I am so sad I feel so alone in my life and fighting this alone hurts so much I can’t do it anymore.
    I am in so much pain I can’t look after myself.I have seen my beautiful daughter marry the love of her life and maybe that’s all the happiness I can expect.I need more than I have to carry on but I have come to realize that my feelings are not important enough for that.So I am going to stop fighting stop all medical care except for pain management and wait for what comes.
    I might be called a quitter but I have realized that my life has already ended in so many ways.
    All I ever wanted in my life was for you to love me as we promised each other and as dumb as it sounds I would have accepted my illness knowing I had your love and compassion and you by my side fighting together
    Terry I want to give up chronic pain is a fight you never get breaks from. It is all day every day, and lately for me it has been all night every night. Pain and lack of sleep have left me feeling incredibly discouraged. Sometimes I feel as if being in pain for this long warps my thoughts. All I want is a break from the pain. It is easy to want to give up when you can’t even get a break from pain while sleeping.
    Additionally I don’t feel like I am allowed to do anything than fight this disease every second of every day.
    Every single time I look up at the sky and I see the stars and it makes me cry.
    Because I know that soon I will be up there and you will be down here.
    And I only wish I could hear
    Your voice say you love me for sure
    To feel your hand or see your face your smile your love
    Now all that’s left is a trace of you and our memories
    I just don’t know how to except the fact you’re gone
    But in my heart you shall lie
    For all those times that we shared
    And all those times you said you cared
    We loved each other always and forever
    And you said you would never leave me…ever
    But now that your gone my heart is broken and my life is going to end on a lonely trail and knowing that has been the most devastating pain
    Had I to do it all over again, I would have done it differently. Fighting this cancer has taken so much work, and what did it get us? Months perhaps a year we should have just accepted things and enjoyed the time we had left like we did before.We could have travelled. We could have made the most of the time we had together.
    I am so very grateful for the life I’ve been given with you Terry and I am lucky I could experience what this world had to offer everyone and every opportunity that fell into my path.
    It frustrates me that this is the only way I can convey my deepest thoughts to you I still have lingering hope that something will lead you to the realization that I do and always did love you.And maybe you can bring your eyes to these words, and your mind back to what we used to be.
    I’m not angry at you for leaving me I don’t understand all of it but I’m here to say that the person you fell in love with is the same person sitting here typing this message to you right now.  I admit I had some struggles I was fighting at the time but thankfully, I fought through that, and I’ve been a good husband and person and loving father for along time now.Love makes one say and do irrational things especially when the heart is broken.Terry when you left our life I truly did die inside.I wish I had been given the chance to explain some things to you, though. 
    I just want you to think back for a second to the way we felt that night I first kissed you. Remember laying in the upstairs room I remember thinking life could not possibly become any better for me than it was in that very moment.I remember the moon lighting your face and creating the most beautiful sparkle in your eyes.I remember the way your hand felt in mine and how it lightly trembled because you were nervous.  It didn’t last but for a few minutes, but I want you to know I would go through the pain of you breaking my heart all over again just feel what I felt in those few minutes.
    Although it seemed at times as if we were rock solid and nothing could divide us, we were still fragile like all couples.Every I love you I am so happy with you I am in love with you seemed to be another brick to the wall that we built between us and the world. Little did I know you would be the one to tear it down. It’s okay, though.I would not take anything in the world for it. For whatever reason, you saw it best for me not to be a part of your future.  I couldn’t have given you the world, my love but I swear I would have made you feel like the only person in it. Our time came to an end long before my love for you ever did or will.
    I don’t want you to be burdened with me and my illness I am going to let come what may.Terry I will never forget the way you made my heart feel for the time you loved me. I lived while you loved me.My beautiful Terry don’t forget about me.When God decides to take me from this world, please know in your heart that you were loved with everything in my being.I am so sorry you didn’t feel it but know you were loved you are the one and only love of my life I always loved you and that is the truth Terry I would not hurt so much if I didn’t really love you.
    If I ever live again it would be to find you.
    I love you always
    Your loving husband forever
    Peter

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