It’s over and it’s so sad.
You’ve held a candle for me for nearly 20 years, we’ve even worked together and I never knew this. Finally we got together and for 1.5 years of those 3 years it was OK. If i look past the insane jealousy, your insecurity, the many arguments however it was the best sex I’ve ever had. When I think about it and put myself in your position, you got what you finally dreamed about for all those years and you didn’t want to share me with anyone. The funny part was.. I didn’t share myself with anyone but you but you just didn’t believe me. I’m so insanely honest and you just didn’t see this. I have always been faithful even though you thought so many times I was flirting with everyone that I came into contact with. You were just so scared to lose me.
The irony is, your fear of losing me is what pushed me away. I couldn’t take the arguments, the breaking into my computer, taking my phone, trying to catch me out on something that just wasn’t there. You eroded my love away because of your incessant idea that there was something being hidden. I was so much in love with you, I don’t think you ever really understood what you had. You were so busy trying to catch me out, you didn’t even fully live in the moment and get to experience the love I was giving you. It makes me so sad really but I gave you all my love, it just wasn’t hitting the mark because it was as it you weren’t fully present.
Now I’m just counting down the days until you leave my house and I have to pay you out. I really will miss just having a hug, talking to my friend, holding your hand, having a genuine laugh with you. I will miss just having human touch. I think that you will be lonely and you have more to lose than me.. and that makes me sad as well. There are days I just want to hug you and say it will OK, and then in an instant you become the arrogant guy again and I’m glad I didn’t reach out to you. I guess you are just hurting as well and you have a different way of showing it.
Relationships come and go and I really thought that this would be forever. I was hoping that was the case. Everything I said, I meant. I had no idea it would come to this. We had 3 years together and there were moments that I think you really got to experience the feeling of the love I was giving to you. I think it scared you. You showed me love as well but I can’t help feeling that you held back because you didn’t want to get hurt. You carried so much baggage you just didn’t let it go long enough to live in the now.
The saddest part of all of this …. is the death of our friendship. I don’t think we will ever be the same again. The reason you used to be so friendly to me was because you always held that candle, and you were always wondering … well you found out. I remember saying to someone, whilst I don’t know you that well, we get on really well, and if I was going to have a relationship with anyone, it would be you. Looks like we both got what we wished for. Sadly, the wish and dreams were not enough.
You were one of my closest friends, we had so many laughs and great times and this was just before we got into a relationship however I think I never really knew you; you just showed me the side that you wanted to show me. With me, you get what you see, I don’t change depending on the circumstance. Ironically you’ve come a long way and have lost some of that baggage but I can’t turn the love back on anymore.
I’m mourning the loss of our friendship. We may still catch up but it just won’t be the same. There is history and it’s not all good. I always said to you that our friendship means more to me than anything else however, we are both hurting and sad; we just go through the experience differently. You may read me as being insensitive and cold; I’m really just hurting so much inside I appear stoic to keep my shit together; maybe the arrogant tactic is what you are using for the same reason.
I’m crying because i feel I’ve lost a good friend. I hope you prove me wrong.